Thoughtful discussion of an insightful nature. Vol. 1

[Olorin]

Essay Question: If monkeys ate pants, would the world’s population of hamsters finally unite in rebellion against humanity?

There are many points to consider in this sort of psychological debate, all of which carry varying relevancy to the issue at hand. First and foremost, one must consider the leadership capabilities of the average hamster, and unfortunately I have found that these small rodents are entirely inept at organizing, mobilizing, and training an army. An excerpt from my studies reads:

"It has been three weeks now. I have given several lectures to a select group of hamsters, instructing them in the art of warfare. After the third lecture, a stirring lesson concerning the proper use of a crossbow, several hamsters seemed to be asserting their dominance over the other hamsters. Several squabbles took place, and the same hamsters kept coming out on top. I immediately noticed that these gifted hamsters had silver hair, and only mated with the "hottest" female hamsterettes.

Taking these warriors aside, I gave them special attention in the development of combat intuition and technique. I assigned my pet dog, Woofie, to take command of these practice sessions when I was indisposed. The response was immediate and astounding. In less than four hours, these hamsters have already become adept at disabling a can of soup. When considering that before these sessions, they were still eating ants with little sticks that they poked into holes or picked off of each other’s backs, such an improvement was remarkable.

Yet when these "elite soldiers of virtue", as I called them, were reintroduced to the hamster society at large, they naturally attempted to resume control of the populace. In no time, they had developed a very successful democratic system of government, complete with social security for the elderly and little popsicles that tastes like peppermint. Yet, when a committee began negotiations over a mascot for this hamster nation, troubles began to emerge.

The vote was divided between using either a sock or a hamster as the mascot. Many thought it was only logical that a hamster would be the mascot for a bunch of hamsters, but there were factions that had become enamoured with socks. These factions had fallen victim to the evil seductions of the socks, allowing themselves to commit entirely to the physical pleasures provided by the footwear.

Within the week, the disagreement had erupted into a fully-fledged civil war. Lead by General Trumymuffins, a veteran of the "Human combat training sessions", the pro-sock movement recruited a sizable militia of some 400 hamsters. This "Sock Militia" divided its forces into two separate factions: the 1st and 2nd Battalions.

The first battalion was armed primarily with toothpicks soaked in cinnamon oil. When an enemy was stabbed by such a weapon, clotting of the blood would be made nearly impossible, as the oil created a slick layer over the wound, preserving it in an open state. Simultaneously, the cinnamon in the oil would sear and singe both the wound and skin of the victim hamster. Little was considered for defense, for as the Sock Militia was outnumbered, they knew they would not prevail by remaining behind a shield or bulletproof vest.

The second battalion was not armed at all. They were not given any form of defense either. The nicknames for this battalion include "Cannon Fodder", "Fart in the Wind", and "Poo Against a Wall."

Throughout all of this, the pro-hamster movement implemented the draft, raising an army of 900 almost overnight. With an established military structure and strategy, these soldiers received superior training and equipment. The forces were divided into four distinct categories: 1st and 2nd Infantry, Big Black Hamsters with Knives, and Air Force.

Both infantry units were suited in the most modern weaponry: Colt AR-15 M-4 Carbines, HE grenades (4 to a soldier), Aerosol Hairspray and standard issue dual Desert Eagles. For defensive purposes, these units did not give thought. After all, they were facing an army of hamsters with nothing but toothpicks to fight with. The third division, "Big Black Hamsters with Knives", consisted mostly of big black hamsters with knives. The knives were quite big as well. The fourth and final division of the Hamster Army was the Air Force. 30 Harrier Jets and over 90 Neutron Bombs were the primary weapons of this faction of the army.

Only one battle took place in the "Mascot War", and, predictably, the Sock Militia were indisputably victorious. The clever use of cinnamon oil soakings for the toothpicks proved to be far more than the over-trained, over-equipped, and overconfident Hamster Army could handle. While there were minimal losses among the "Poo Against a Wall" division of the Sock Militia, the army emerged nearly unscathed.

Today, General Trumymuffins rules his nation as the elected-for-life president of this tiny society. While his sons prepare to ascend the throne in the coming years when good old Trumymuffins will undoubtedly cease to live, the populace lives on blissfully unaware that there country is not a democracy." ("Rodents: At War and In Love" Vanasse, p. 396-397.)

Truly, it has been presented in undeniable clarity that hamsters are completely and totally unable to maintain any form of social order, or establish any semblance of a deliberate government. Certainly, if such fundamental skills are beyond them, how could they be able to unite in rebellion against humanity? Case in point: they can not.

Tomorrow: I’ll be attacking the premises in my lecture, "Monkeys can NOT eat Pants!"

[beemanbone]

You are a wild man!

[MovieDudeGuy]

Agreed . Oh, and I've got the new chapter in my epic in the Books/ Fan Fiction. Plz check it out!

[JBond]

Ah, well done, VERY well done!! Brilliant!!! PERFECT!!! Nay....perfect is but cow dung to the perfection in your essay.....except it SUCKS!!!!! You didn't address the issues of pants, and how loud they are....

I thought you were smart...

[Longshanks]

Where did you get your medication and can I have some too?

[Iben]

Do I really wanna read that?

[Optimus Prime]

Olorin you are one strange little man.:p

[Malice]

If you are riding down the Guadalupe (River) in a 4-door canoe, how many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse?

That answer will come later....

[tyler_durden]

Olorin, you have way to much free time. You should consider taking up a safe and calming past time, like nitting.

BTW - Malice, you signature is awesome. I will have to remember that saying.

[todd philip]

what in the hell was that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

i laughed my ass off

[JBond]

Originally posted by tyler_durden
Olorin, you have way to much free time. You should consider taking up a safe and calming past time, like nitting.

He won't be pleased to hear that

[todd philip]

i remember this, damn its still funny!

[HeadHunter]

what were you drinking man and are you going to pass the bottle??

[Catshe]

this guy smoked way to much dope last night LOL

[Tornado]

Man, todd, why do you keep bumping old threads?

[rayzor09]

you ass! stop bumping old threads!