Psychologist Bob

[The WupZter]

Hahaha nice one.

[JBond]

Episode 8: Seven Pill Monty

*A man walks in and shakes Psychologist Bob's hand and sits down*

Bob: Well, hello. You must be Christopher.
Chris: That's me. I assume you know about my situation?
Bob: Yes, your doctor called me yesterday...while I was eating. He said you wanted to look into possible anti-depressants.
Chris: Correct. I know that since you're not a doctor you can't legally prescribe me anything, so I was thinking-
Bob: Not a doctor?! I can still do things, you know?
Chris: I'm...sure you can.
Bob: The state and probably the country won't let me sell you drugs, but nothing in the law says I can't leave some out on the table allowing you to perhaps...take them.
Chris: Are you sure about that?
Bob: Oh sure.

*Bob gets up and goes to his cabinet collecting some things, meanwhile looking back suspiciously over his shoulder. He walks back to his desk and spaces out 7 piles of pills onto the table in a row and sits back down*

Bob: There you have it, the best anti-depressant on the market. Guarenteed to prevent suicide or your money back...I guess.
Chris: Great, but which ones are they?
Bob: Oh, I can't tell you that, that would be too easy. But I can try to steer you in the right direction.

*Bob nods his head towards the far end of the pills*

*Chris takes one of the purple pills on the far left*

Bob: Ah geez, I didn't know you were going to swallow it! That one's poison!
Chris: Poison! What are you doing with poison?!?
Bob: No time to explain, you need to take the anedote!

*Bob points to the piles*

Chris: Which one is it!
Bob: I can't tell you that!

*Chris takes a red pill, second from the right*

Bob: Ooo, that was Lithium, sorry.

*Chris takes a white pill from the middle pile*

Bob: Hah, but that one was Speed, now you're in for trouble.

*Chris is now breathing heavy and sweating*

Chris: What do I do?!
Bob (delightfuly): More! Take more!

*Chris takes a handful of blue pills from the third from the right pile*

Bob: Heh, you don't want to know what those were.

*Chris collapses onto the floor*

*Bob talks on his intercom*

Bob: Mrs. Octobijune? Could you please order me some more of my "happy pills"? ...what do you mean, you're "not my doctor"?

[Frizzo the Clown]

Its about time you wrote more, you lazy *****.

[JBond]

Originally Posted by Frizzo the Clown

Its about time you wrote something else!

Originally Posted by Frizzo the Clown

Its about time you wrote more, you lazy *****.

You seem to be getting hostle in your old age.

[Frizzo the Clown]

Originally Posted by JBond

You seem to be getting hostle in your old age.

Naw, I was always this hostile.

[Knerys]

"happy pills" heh heh heh.

[JBond]

Episode 9: Multi-tasking

*Psychologist Bob is sitting at his desk playing Cat's Cradle with string*

Bob: I'll win this game yet...

*A man walks into his office*

Andre: Hello? I'm your 11 O'Clock. Your secretary said I could come in.
Bob: Yes, she's presumptious that way... Well, have a seat.

*Andre sits into one of the chairs on the other side of Bob's desk*

Bob: So, what's ailing you?
Andre: Well, I've been having a rough time. See, when I was a child, my mother often told me-

*Bob is giving him the "move it along" hand wave signal*

Andre: So, uh, anyway, long story short, my sister's husband left her for another woman and I had to let her move in.
Bob: The other woman?!
Andre: ...my sister.

*A woman walks into the office*

Daisy: Hi, your secretary said I could enter. I'm here for my 11:00 appointment.
Bob: Of course she did...
Andre: There must be some mistake. My appointment was set for 11:00. I'm sure of it. You said on the phone "it has to be 11:00."
Daisy: You said the same thing to me. Should I...come back?
Bob; No, no. Of course not. Take a seat, I can explain everything.

*Daisy takes a seat*

Bob: You see, I make ALL of my appointments for 11:00. It's the perfect time. I get paid for the few hours of work that I sleep at my desk during the late morning, I see a patient, then I go home for lunch for the day...which I get paid for, as well.
Andre: You have all of your paitents in therapy at the same time?!
Bob: Oh God, no. This is the first time two people actually showed up. *Bob starts fiddling with the Cat's Cradle game again* I get so many no-shows, it's never really been a problem... *Bob puts it down* But, no big deal, this will be fun to try two of them at once. Maybe I can help you both with the same advice. What's wrong with you?

Daisy: I think my husband is cheating on me.
Bob: Perfect! That's wonderful! We'll just hook you up with Andre's brother here!
Andre: Sister.
Bob: Well, that's more difficult, but I think we could make it work with some real soul-searching.
Daisy: This is ridiculous, I'm paying good money for a serious therapy session!
Bob: Would you guys stop calling it "therapy?" Trust me, if it was therapy I would be getting paid a lot more. Therapy is a tough field and I just haven't broken out yet.

*An clock alarm goes off*

Bob: 11:05, and that's lunch. ...I'll tell you what I'm going to do, because I'm a nice guy. I'll come back from lunch just this once and help you guys figure this out. Just talk things over 'til then and I'll see you in 45. Ciao!

*Bob just about makes it to the door when a couple walks in*

Greg: Yes, we're here for the 11:00 couple's therapy.
Bob: You're late.

*Bob continues to walk out the door*

Bob: *Off screen* Heh. "Therapy." I wish

[IanTheCool]

nice. i like it.

[JBond]

Yeah, it was OK. After I wrote it I thought of a better joke for squeezing in sessions.

Two words: Speed Therapy

[Boro]

Best chapter yet!

[JBond]

Episode 10: Bobbing for Ideas

*Psychologist Bob walks into an psychologist's office. It says "Dr. David Mankiewicz" on the door*

David: You must be John Doe, take a seat.

*Bob walks over to David and shakes his hand and sits down across from him and his desk*

David: "John Doe." You probably get this a lot, but that's an unusual name!
Bob: Uh, yeah, my father was being rushed to name me from a doctor where I was born. God, I hate doctors.
David: That...doesn't explain your last name.
Bob: It's not fake!
David: Er, why are you here to see me today, John?

*Bob sneaks out a notepad and pencil from his pocket and keeps it where David can't see them.*

Bob: I'm having marriage trouble, Dr. David. Let's say I think my wife is cheating on me, what kind of advice would you give?
David: Do you think your wife is cheating on you, John?
Bob: What'd I say, Bob?
David: Bob?
Bob: I mean "John." My name's John.
David: I'm confused.
Bob: My wife is sleeping with another man, Doc. She's gone all the time. I think intercourse is involved.
David: Have you tried talking to your wife about this?
Bob: Talking to her about it! That's good!

*Bob writes things in his notepad below the level of the desk, so Dr. Mankiewicz can't see*

Bob: That's a lot better than sleeping with prostitutes to get even with her. I heard some other psychologist giving out that advice...
David: Prostitutes?! That's awful, who gave out that advice? They should take his licence away.
Bob: Hey, not everybody went to college. I'm sure his heart was in the right place. ...Also, I'm not sure if he had a licence, per se.
David: Well, relationships are not about "getting even" but are based on trust and communication. In my book, I underline the 7 steps to a healthy relationship, which start with each couple taking the time to-
Bob: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

*Bob is writing furiously away in his notepad*

Bob: "Com-mu-ni-ca-tion." OK, I'm having this problem with drugs. I'm taking them a lot and can't stop. I think it's your classic drug addiction. What should I do?
David: I-uh-drugs? I think we should talk more about your wife, first.
Bob: Wife? Hah. I'm not even mar-...oh. Her. No, I think we should talk about my drug problem. What would you suggest if I was taking cocaine and/or heroin?
David: Just what is going on here, Mister Doe?
Bob: Sigh. Ok, I'll level with you. I'm not a patient. I'm a pyschologist like yourself trying to research other psychologists' methods. I'm actually extremely normal. In fact, I'm a liiiittle concerned you never found out on your own...

*Bob makes some more notes in his notepad while shaking his head*

David: Wait, what?! You've been lying to me? ...and you're taking notes??
Bob: Well, I couldn't very well sneak in a computer, now could I? I can see you're a busy man, so I'll speed this up and I'll get out of your hair. How would you deal with the following problems:

*Bob flips through his notepad and holds it up to read*

Bob:
Drug addiction.
Alcoholism.
OCD.
ADD.
ADHD...honestly, I think these kids are making some of these up!
Molestation.
Molestation from an uncle.
Molestation from an aunt.
Molestation from a farm animal on a trip to the zoo.

David: From a farm ani-
Bob: You'd be surprised. And don't interrupt me.
Depression.
Bi-polar disorder...also, I'm not sure what that is.
Unemployment.
Tourette's.
Pyromania.
David: I'm...going to stop you right there, whatever your name is. I don't have TIME to help you with your pathetic practice, and I'm guessing by your questions that you don't have the money for my time, so I'm going to have to ask you to LEAVE! Immediately!

*Bob slowly gets up and puts his notepad into his pocket. He walks slowly toward the door and turns back around*

Bob: My name, if you were curious, is Bob Bobowski.

*Bob almost makes it out the door before David's eyes go wide and he leaps to his feet.*

David: Wait! You're the psychologist Bob Bobowski I've heard so much about??
Bob: ...I suppose.
david: Do you have any idea how many of my patients were former patients of yours? You've made me a very rich man! Hell, half of them were apparently doing fine before taking your advice....it all makes sense now.
Bob: Wow...you could say we make a pretty good team! I rack them and you break them!
David: Well...I wouldn't go that far.
Bob: At the very least, we should exchange ideas! I got this GREAT idea for therapy where you tie up the patient by his feet upside down and play Def Leppard to the point of-

*Bob is flipping through his notepad excitedly while talking*

David: Please leave.
Bob: Oh...ok. Well, here's my card.

*Bob hands over his card and leaves*

*David looks at the card with a sort of pity in his eye. He walks over to his desk and pushes the intercom button*

David: Mrs. Honeysuckle, clear my 1:00, 2:00, and 3:00 for tomorrow. I'm taking on a new patient.

[IanTheCool]

Nice. I like how he shifts to drugs right away.

[Deexan]

My favourite part was "God, I hate doctors."

Almost a year between updates, pick up the pace ya big goof!

[JBond]

A year and two days. Odd.

[bbf2]

I've somehow never seen this thread before. These are really funny and really well-written. You have a future as a writer.

[JBond]

Of your 13,000 posts, about 50 of them aren't sarcasm. So you'll excuse me if I look at that post with suspisciously squinted eyes.

[bbf2]

Haha understandable, but no sarcasm at all meant here, these were legitimately really funny.

[JBond]

Episode 11: Hypnosis

*Psychologist Bob is standing on stacked furniture in his office to try and swat a fly on the ceiling. There's a knock at the door.*

Bob: *Sigh* Just a minute. *Whack whack whack!* Got him!

*Bob climbs down and answers the door to find a kind, very elderly man at the door. He's wearing a plaid vest, khaki pants and a smile.*

Bob: You must be Walter Fobberton. Won't you come in?

*Walt slowly walks in with his cane and sits down. Bob sits opposite him.*

Walt: Such a pleasure to meet you, young man. I thank you for taking the time to see me. It's so hard to find good help these days. *Walt leans over to shake his hand*
Bob: The pleasure is all mine. What can I do you for?
Walt: Ohhh, I haven't been sleeping well. It all started back in '63 when-...would you like a butterscotch, young man? I carry them here in my pocket... *Walt pulls out a butterscotch candy*
Bob: Oh no, that's quiet all right. You were saying?
Walt: I-wha? Oh, oh right. Well. I haven't been sleeping well. My wife says it's all in my head, that I should just drink some warm milk and-...Oh, she's a good person, but she doesn't seem to grasp how I feel. There was this one time we were in the grocery store and-
Bob (bored): Uh-huh, uh-huh. You said something about not being able to sleep? When did this start?
Walt: Ohhhh, long ago, back in the 60s I think. Maybe even further back. I...are you sure you wouldn't like a butterscotch?
Bob: I said "no!", Walt!
Walt: ...
Bob: Oh, sorry. Anyway, I've been reading a lot about hypnosis recently and you seem to be a good candidate to try it out. Maybe we can get to the root of your sleep disorder.
Walt: Hypnosis you say?
Bob: Yeah, I read in a magazine it's actually real! Who knew? Here, follow me.

*Bob gets up and walks over to a couch and Walt follows. Bob waves a hand to the couch and walt lies down. Bob takes off his wrist watch and swings it like a pendulum in front of Walt's eyes.*

Bob: You're getting very sleepy, Mr. Fobberton.
Walt: ...Nooo, I'm not. That's why I'm here.
Bob: *Sigh* Just keep your eye on the wrist watch, please.

*Walt watches the watch until his eyes get sleepy and finally close*

Bob: Theeeere you go. You're falling into a deep trance. Deeeeeeper and deeper. You are deeeeep under the spell of hypnosis. Hypnosis is real and it's wooooorking. Goooooood. Now. What is your name?
Walt: ...Walt Fobberton.
Bob: Do you have a sleep disorder?
Walt: ...Yes I do.
Bob: Good. When did your sleep disorder start? Did something happen to you?
Walt: It all started back in...are you sure you don't want a butterscotch candy?
Bob: NOO!! Jesus Christ, enough with the god damn candy!!
Walt: I'm a good person, who's yelling at me? Ohhhhh, why would someone yell at me, help me?!
Bob: Whoa, geez, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Tell me about your-
Walt (teary): I'm a gooood person! I never done nobody harm.
Bob: No one said you had, I'm sorry.
Walt: I mean sure, I've done bad things here and there, but I'm 70 years old, I can't be perfect. I shoplifted once when I was a teenager, I cheated on a history final, I stuck out my middle finger while driving-
Bob: Calm down, sir-
Walt: -I had impure thoughts about the nice young lady who cuts my hair, I've gone over the speed limit, I killed President John F. Kennedy, I once threw an apple at a rabbit eating my crop, I-
Bob: Sir, this isn't-...WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!
Walt: I threw an apple at a rabbit.
Bob: No, before that!
Walt: I went over the speed limit.
Bob: AFTER that!
Walt: I threw an apple at a rabbit.
Bob: Ahhhhh! No! You- I- You are feeling very awake, Mr. Fobberton. Wake!

*Walt slowly opens his eyes*

Walt: ...Are we done, young man?
Bob: Yep. That should do it. You'll sleep like a baby.
Walt: Oh, you really are too kind. It was nice meeting you, Mr Bobowitz.
Bob: Incidentally, if your sleeping trouble should return, I can refer you to another doctor. Dr. David Mankiewicz. Here's his card.

*Bob hands him his card. Walt puts his hand inside his vest.*

Bob: Oh, sweet Jesus!! *Bob ducks to the floor and covers his head with his arms in fear*

*Walt pulls out a wallet and puts the card into it and puts it back in his vest, all the while staring down at Bob*

Walt: You're an odd young man. Oh, you'd be perfect for my niece Susie. I'll have to give you her number sometime. Such a sweet lady!

*Walt walks slowly out the door with his cane with Bob still cowarding on the floor*

[Frizzo the Clown]

Ha!

[Deexan]

Originally Posted by JBond

Bob: Sir, this isn't-...WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!
Walt: I threw an apple at a rabbit.
Bob: No, before that!
Walt: I went over the speed limit.
Bob: AFTER that!
Walt: I threw an apple at a rabbit.
Bob: Ahhhhh! No! You- I- You are feeling very awake, Mr. Fobberton. Wake!

[JBond]

Episode 12: Rorshach

*Psychologist Bob is sitting at his desk painting a Rubik Cube when his intercom buzzes*

Receptionist: Bob, Sandy Petiteski, your 2:00, is here.
Bob: Thank you, Ms. Moonshadow. Send her in.
Receptionist: Him.
Bob: Drat.

*Sandy Petiteski, a 25 year old man, walks in and takes a seat opposite Psychologist Bob*

Bob: I thought you were a woman.
Sandy: ...Pardon me? *Sandy feels his hair length*
Bob: Oh no, I mean because of your name. It was kind of a let down, I don't get many female patients.
Sandy: No?
Bob: No, not since the incident with...what can I do for you today, Mr. Petiteski?
Sandy: It's kind of embarassing, but, well, about a week ago at work I had a bit of a breakdown and...assaulted a clown. I was told by my boss I had to see someone for help or go to anger management if I wanted to continue working there, so...here I am.

*Psychologist Bob slowly leans back in his chair, puts his hands behind his head and smiles*

Bob: First question. Where do you work in which clowns are nearby?
Sandy: It's an architectural firm. Someone hired a clown as sort of a gag gift for a birthday.
Bob: Uh huh. And then what happened?
Sandy: He kept poking balloons into my face and I eventually lost it and punched him. I later apologized to Ben.
Bob: And after that?
Sandy: That's...it.
Bob: So what's the problem?
Sandy: I punched a clown.
Bob: You're not allowed to hit them? I thought that's why people hire clowns...as with strippers.
Sandy: Tell me how I can keep my job, Sir.

*Psychologist Bob puts his hands up in a surrendering motion and gets up and walks over to a cabinet. Out of the cabinet he gets a few large index cards and returns to his seat*

Bob: Have you ever heard of a Rorshach test, Mr. Petiteski?
Sandy: *chuckles* People still use those?
Bob: Oh sure, it's a classic. They can tell you important things. I'm going to show you a set of Rorshachs and you tell me what you see.

*Psychologist Bob shows him the first card. It contains a high-resolution photograph of a farm in a grassy field*

Sandy: That's...a farm.
Bob: Very good. And this one?
Sandy: That one's clearly a picture of a bowl of fruit.
Bob: Right again! And how about this one?
Sandy: That's Matthew McConaughey. Look, I'm confused, aren't these suppose to be inkblots where I interpret shapes?
Bob: Oh no, you're thinking of the old ones. Personally, I could never tell what the hell those were suppose to be pictures of, so I just made my own. Now it's a lot easier to tell if the patient is getting them right!
Sandy: You have no clue what you're doing.
Bob: You have a girl's name!
Sandy: "Sandy" was my father's name!
Bob: Then he should have known better, especially with that effeminate last name.

*Sandy punches Bob in the face and then leaves*

Bob: Matthew McConaughey? Try Josh Lucas, assh*le...

[Frizzo the Clown]

Its true. That is why people hire clowns. We get punched a lot.

[IanTheCool]

lol nice.

[MasterChief117]

JBond, you need to make these skits into episodes, actual filmed episodes. These are HILARIOUS.

[JBond]

Heh, thanks. I would need actors, though.