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10-13-2001, 09:16 PM
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#1 |
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Feed me
Join Date: May 2000
Location: SR388
Posts: 67,506
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3. Where in the World is William Shatner
Welcome to JBond's third fanfic. Like always, please do not add on to the fanfic for I have it all typed in MS Word. I will post a part every day or two. Keep your hands and arms inside the car, and enjoy the ride!
<North Pole> <Superman’s Residence> Superman: Well it’s great you guys could finally come over to see my place! JBond: You s-s-sure know h-h-how to pick the s-s-spots, Superman! Superman: Yeah I know. JBond: It’s h-h-hard to show sarcasm when I’m so c-c-cold. Superman: Ooo, I got mail! <Superman views his letters> Superman: Hmmm <Flips through about 15 of them and throws them into a box marked ‘Santa’> Ah, this one’s for me! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Superman, I noticed in your comics that you don’t get paid for your saving the world and all, and I also noticed that you don’t solve near all of the world problems. So why don’t you get off your lazy ass or get a real job! Thanks, Timmy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Superman: Uh-huh.... <Superman gets a pen and paper> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Timmy, You know those sounds you hear in the middle of the night when you’re all alone in your bed? Those are mass murderers that are searching through your house for fresh blood!! Be careful!, Superman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ <The phone rings, JBond answers it> JBond: <On Phone> Hello....no....no...yes I am!......Uh huh....Hey listen, do you want to do something this Friday? Superman: Bond! Are you giving out my phone number to your women?! JBond: <Still on phone> Ok! See you at 7:00! <Hangs up> I didn’t give your number out, that was a wrong number. thebtskink: You’re my hero! Olorin: Can we go back to America now, I’m cold, and I’m afraid of what would happen if I went to the bathroom up here... Superman: Fine, we can go now...where’d thebtskink go to? <thebtskink is cutting a hole in the ice> Olorin: I think he’s ice fishing. JBond: Hey thebtskink, don’t you have to give up your worms to go ice fishing, haha! thebtskink: Worms...what do you mean by that? <JBond notices thebtskink was going to use Oreos to fish> JBond: Oh, uh...nevermind. thebtskink: What…did you think I would use worms as bait?! What the hell kind of sick joke is that?! JBond: Well uh...I once heard from some people that worms can uh...sometimes be used as...bait. thebtskink: I want addresses of these people...NOW! Olorin: C’MON! Let’s go! <They all start to go to the exit and thebtskink falls into ice fishing hole> Superman: Dammit! <Superman jumps in the hole and gets him out> thebtskink: Hey thanks Superman, means a lot! Superman: Don’t get too mushy, I just didn’t want you to find my stash of magazines. <JBond runs for the hole but Superman trips him> <They all leave and go back to America...some how...use your imagination> <At the Inter-National Superhero Association for the Non-Evil> Tech: Oh great, you’re FINALLY back!…why is thebtskink all wet. thebtskink: Fell in freezing water, sir. Tech: Well that was dumb! Superman: What the hell is your problem? Tech: Sigh...It’s so stressful working here, late hours, few breaks...what I mean is....WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE ME TO DISNEYLAND?!? Olorin: You wanted to go? Tech: I was hoping to meet Goofy...Sigh...where’d Jedi go? JBond: He got arrested for putting his initials into cement. Tech: He got arrested for that?! People put there initials in wet cement all of the time! JBond: I never said it was wet cement. Tech: Ahh! I was wondering where the company jackhammer was! Superman: Yeah it was quite interesting, they broke into his house and took him to jail. Tech: Huh? How’d they know it was Jedi if he got back to his house before they noticed it? JBond: Well...he put his address into the cement as well. Tech: Dumb ass...anyway, we have a situation. JBond: Ooo, I like situations! Tech: William Shatner- JBond: Ah nuts... Tech: -has gone all over the world and has stolen 99.9% of the albums! Superman: Why not all of them? Tech: Well the only ones that are left are Milli Vanilli and his albums. Our intelligence here believes he took out all of the albums that were better than his so his are now the best and will make money. JBond: What?! That doesn’t make sense, your guys are just stupid! Tech: Hey! Don’t insult my intelligence!! Superman: Son of a b*tch...now I’ll have to only listen to Milli Vanilli forever… Tech: Your mission, if you choose to take it...I mean accept it...DAMN IT, I KNEW I’d mess that up!!...anyway, get the albums back and bring back Shatner...it’s ok if you don’t get the Poison albums back. We have a lead. We got a call just 5 minutes ago from CD’s-A-Plenty, and they told us they info on William Shatner’s whereabouts. Here is the address, good luck! <The heroes exit the building> <Toilet flushes from a different room and Mirko walks in> Mirko: ...was that the guys that just left?! Tech: Um... Mirko: You briefed them, didn’t you? You KNEW it was my turn! Tech: Oh come on, the last one I did was telling them that your cat had escaped! Mirko: Hey, that cat means a lot to me! Tech: Yeah and they found it two minutes later in a tree outside of the building... Mirko: Well, when you start your own Superhero company, you can make your own rules! <small>[ 02-02-2002, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: JBond ]</small>
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The due date for Round 135 of the CS Film Club is Monday, May 20th, 2013. 59 out of 64 Hugo Award winners completed. "Die Hard 5 makes Die Hard 4 look like Die Hard 1" - Doomsday |
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10-13-2001, 10:20 PM
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#2 | |
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Final Wars
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Monster Island
Posts: 6,185
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10-13-2001, 10:46 PM
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Studio Executive
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,914
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Yes, but I come with an in-flight movie
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10-14-2001, 07:11 AM
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Executive Producer
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: In a pool of my own filth
Posts: 36,861
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Hey! Didn't I already kill Shatner? That crafty bastard!
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10-14-2001, 09:10 AM
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#5 |
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Executive Producer
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Kaliningrad
Posts: 9,431
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hey bond, once im "elite" and over 3000 posts can i get in on the superhero stuff? im never anything good in any fan fics
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wtf? |
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10-14-2001, 02:53 PM
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#6 | |
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Executive Producer
Join Date: May 2000
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 13,161
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Drunk Super Suicide Society of the Summer Session Status: The Philosophical Drunk If you turned on an invisible light bulb, would you still see light? |
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10-14-2001, 06:33 PM
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#7 |
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Not you.
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Hope Mills, NC
Posts: 7,374
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Wow, even though I am probably the worst poster on these boards (ie, I leave, I stand up my fiance, I moderated LOTR, etc), I still get facetime in fanfics. I must be a pretty cool guy.
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10-14-2001, 07:03 PM
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#8 |
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Feed me
Join Date: May 2000
Location: SR388
Posts: 67,506
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<The heroes are now outside>
Olorin: Hey! This address is all the way on the other side of town! How are we going to get there? JBond: Public transportation. <Olorin cringes> Superman: Well, I know which bus we take out of here to get the west side of town. But I’m not sure when it will get here. You should call the Bus Company. <JBond calls the Bus company from a pay phone> Recorded Operator: Hello, and thank you for choosing the only bus company in the city. For bus time information, please press 5639. *BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* Recorded Operator: Thank you, Bus #1 will be at the corner of Snuggles and Downy at 2:35......at Rabbit and Trix at 2:37......at Rabbit and Energizer at 2:40......at Jordan and Wheaties at 2:44......and at Dole and Viagra at 2:50.........Bus #2 will be at- JBond: Hey what bus are we taking Supes? Superman: The 84. <JBond hangs up immediately> <The guys wait 23 and a half minutes for the 84 bus and get on> Warpedchick: Hi, I’ll be your bus driver today! Are there any questions?....Yes! You with the spandex! Superman: Do you do this at every stop? Warpedchick: Hehehe, I do what I want. The in-drive movie we will be playing is Johnny Mnemonic staring Keanu Reeves! Enjoy. Olorin: HOW long is this drive? JBond: About two hours until we get way over to the west side. Olorin: Damn! <Bus starts up and drives away as a man runs along the side of the bus and elbows the door> Keanu Reeves: LAPD!! Pull over! <Warpedchick turns the bus to the right and runs him over! Warpedchick: BWAhahaha! <Keanu manages to get on the bus all dirty from the back of the bus and gets his way up to the front> Warpedchick: Damn! Keanu Reeves: You can’t go any further, there’s a BOMB on this bus!! <Keanu removes the Johnny Mnemonic tape from the VCR> Keanu Reeves: It’s ok, the bomb has been shut down, you are now safe! Warpedchick: Not yet!! <Warpedchick turns the wheel sharply and Keanu flies out the door> Keanu Reeves: AaaaaIIIIIIEEEEEE....... Warpedchick: HEHEHE!!! JBond: You know...you just couldn’t be prepared for something like that! <JBond notices a hot girl a few seats ahead> JBond: Hey Supes, check out THAT chick! Not bad, eh? Superman: So-so JBond: So-so?! Are you crazy!? She’s gorgeous! Superman: I don’t now, she’s just doesn’t look like my type. JBond: Oh I see how it is, she doesn’t have quite the same “larger dimensions” as Lois Lane! Superman: Excuse me? JBond: Face it, you’re jealous of her breasts! Superman: I’m happy with the way my breasts are NOW thanks!! JBond: Yeah... Olorin: Why are you so occupied with the looks Bond? I have much more sense then you, I don’t even HAVE to look at the girl just as she doesn’t have to look at me. It’s all in the conversations and mood! All I have to hear are those 4 magical words to know I am in eternal bliss... thebtskink: Please deposit more quarters? Superman and JBond: HAHA! Olorin: Eh, screw you guys... <The bus arrives to CD’s-A-Plenty and they go inside> Doomsday: Welcome to my store, feel free to look around and buy albums to your heart’s content! If you have a question about a particular CD, just ask! <The entire store is wiped out clean> thebtskink: More like an inconvenience store! Superman: <Superman raises his hand> Yeah I got a question...are you on crack! Doomsday: ...I swear, it’s medicinal, ASK ANYONE!! JBond: Excuse me, we were sent by tech, he said you could help us on the whereabouts of William Shatner. Doomsday: Who now? JBond: Shatner...the maniac who stole all of your CD’s! Doomsday: Oh that guy! He’s such a great man, he’s really going to help out my business out! thebtskink: Yeah...I understand how you could see it that way... Doomsday: He didn’t steal them you know, he DID pay for them! Superman: Well I guess that was sort of thoughtful of him. Doomsday: Yeah...well, he didn’t really pay for them…but he said he’d get back to it! I forgot the particular date...do you know what day of the month...”pigs fly”? Olorin: Um no, could you tell us how we could find him? Doomsday: Well, he was talking to someone on his cell phone about how he has to stop at “We Sell Shirts” and then to some casino or something. JBond: I see, well thank you for your help! Doomsday: You bet! Would you like to by some CD’s! JBond: Um, perhaps when you get some more in...
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The due date for Round 135 of the CS Film Club is Monday, May 20th, 2013. 59 out of 64 Hugo Award winners completed. "Die Hard 5 makes Die Hard 4 look like Die Hard 1" - Doomsday |
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10-14-2001, 07:12 PM
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#9 | |
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Final Wars
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Monster Island
Posts: 6,185
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10-14-2001, 07:17 PM
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Executive Producer
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: In a pool of my own filth
Posts: 36,861
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10-14-2001, 07:20 PM
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#11 |
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Executive Producer
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: In a pool of my own filth
Posts: 36,861
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Man, JBond, this really sucks!
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10-14-2001, 07:48 PM
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Studio Executive
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,914
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10-14-2001, 08:48 PM
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#13 |
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PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET
Join Date: Jul 2000
Posts: 9,463
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This is great. Keep it coming!!
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It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. |
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10-14-2001, 10:30 PM
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#14 | |
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Feed me
Join Date: May 2000
Location: SR388
Posts: 67,506
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Quote:
__________________
The due date for Round 135 of the CS Film Club is Monday, May 20th, 2013. 59 out of 64 Hugo Award winners completed. "Die Hard 5 makes Die Hard 4 look like Die Hard 1" - Doomsday |
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10-15-2001, 07:29 AM
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#15 | |
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Feed me
Join Date: May 2000
Location: SR388
Posts: 67,506
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Quote:
__________________
The due date for Round 135 of the CS Film Club is Monday, May 20th, 2013. 59 out of 64 Hugo Award winners completed. "Die Hard 5 makes Die Hard 4 look like Die Hard 1" - Doomsday |
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10-15-2001, 07:44 AM
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Executive Producer
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: In a pool of my own filth
Posts: 36,861
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10-15-2001, 11:11 AM
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#17 | |
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Not you.
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Hope Mills, NC
Posts: 7,374
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idiot. |
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10-15-2001, 12:21 PM
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#18 |
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Bringer of Newer Versions!
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 3,397
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Hey....I get to use the
<At the Inter-National Superhero Association for the Non-Evil> SuperComputer!
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I dont have a very interesting Signature...
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10-15-2001, 10:57 PM
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Executive Producer
Join Date: May 2000
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 13,161
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Quote:
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Drunk Super Suicide Society of the Summer Session Status: The Philosophical Drunk If you turned on an invisible light bulb, would you still see light? |
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10-16-2001, 03:13 PM
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#20 |
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Feed me
Join Date: May 2000
Location: SR388
Posts: 67,506
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<They leave CD’s-A-Plenty and call a cab up to the curb>
Madness: Hello! Come in, come in! Where to? <The group reluctantly gets in> thebtskink: Take us to “We Sell Shirts” Madness: You GOT it little buddy! <Madness hits the fare lever up and drives off> JBond: Um, excuse me, I believe the store is in the other direction. Madness: Ohhhhhh, I’m SO sorry! What AM I doing! <Madness turns around and gets on the Canada exit> Superman: Hey...isn’t the United States....that way? JBond: I’m pretty sure that the place we are going is not in Canada! Please get off this freeway and back on the regular road! Madness: So sorry sir, right away. <The fair is now at $5, the taxi goes towards the exit to get off the freeway at 5 mph> Olorin: Going kind of slow there, aren’t you? Madness: Well there are many small animals that could jump out at any time! I have to be careful! thebtskink: We couldn’t run over a speed bump at this speed. Madness: Well now, would you just look at ALL that debris in the road! Damn, I could cause damage to this car! <Madness waves the taxi back and forth through all of the lanes, the fair is now at $15> JBond: ...I don’t see a damn thing. Superman: My God, don’t you even KNOW that the taxi fare lever is on!?! Madness: Um...oh that thing...I didn’t notice. Geez...you know...it’s just going to take HOURS with all of this traffic and the lack of my road and driving knowledge! *snicker* thebtskink: Heh, I’m so glad JBond is paying for this! JBond: Yeah, and since you are the current owner of my wallet, YOU can pay for it!...Oh and I want it back after that too! <Just then the car swerves violently> thebtskink: What the hell is it now?! Madness: Sorry about that, a cat came out of nowhere! <Superman looks back> Superman: I don’t see a cat? Madness: I know! Success! 20 points!! <The group finally get to the department store “We Sell Shirts” later that night. On the front of the store the store’s name is displayed in big lit-up letters, and they see the manager sitting depressed in the parking lot> thebtskink: Is something wrong, sir? You look a little green. Godzilla: Oh it was horrible, this crazy over-weight guy with a bad wig came in and pulled out some sort of phasor and took all of our personal CD’s and then killed a bunch of my employees! JBond: That’s horrible!! Godzilla: I know...I had over 100 CD’s! He left my copy of William Shatner Does West Side Story though....thank goodness! <Olorin takes a step back from Godzilla> Superman: Do you think you know where he might be going? Perhaps to a casino or something? Godzilla: Yeah that sounds right, he said something about going to his private casino on the north side of town...what’s this all about? Superman: That was William Shatner, he’s planning to steal almost all of the worlds supply of CD’s Godzilla: So I won’t be able to buy my Boys II Men CD’s back?! DAMNIT!! Could this day get any WORSE!? <At that moment someone in a ShopKo uniform walks to the front of the store and throws a couple rocks at the sign busting two letters> Code:
_ _ _ ______ _____ _____ _ _ | | | | | | | ____| / ____| | ____|| | | | | | | | | | ||____ | |____ ||____ | | | | | | | | | | | ____| \____ \ | ____|| | | | \ |/ _ \| / ||____ ____| |||____ | |___ | |___ \__/ \__/ |_____| |_____/ |_____||_____||_____| _____ _ _ _____ ____ _____ _____ / ____| | | | ||_ _||MMMMM\|_ _| /MMMMM| | |____ | |_| | | | |M| |M| | | |M|____ \____ \ | _ | | | |MMMMM/ | | \MMMMM\ ____| || | | | _| |_ |M| \M\ | | ___|M| |_____/ |_| |_||_____||M| \M\ |_| |MMMMM/ <JBond interrupts him with a hand signal to be quiet> JBond: I think it’s time to go… thebtskink: Yeah, I’ll call a cab. JBond: Let’s NOT call a cab! I got something else we can take! Superman: Bond, we’re not taking your fold-up car!! JBond: Why not?! It’s seats 6, it has 4 wheel drive, machine guns behind the headlights and also in the windshield wipers to shoot down planes, ALL from one pen that conveniently fits in my pocket! Superman: Bond...the car’s 4 inches long. And it seats 6 hamsters! JBond: Well ok, it still needs some work. But it’s from a pen, what did you expect... Godzilla: On no....my sign....what happened....I’M RUUUUUUUINED!!!! JBond: Ok...I got it. <JBond pulls out a cell phone and types in some numbers> Olorin: Who you calling? JBond: My car, it comes to me by this locator I have here in my pocket. <A minute later a car is seen turning violently around a corner, and running a red light causing another car to crash into a dumpster> Con-Air: Hey!! You a**hole!!! <JBond punches 7 on the phone> Bond Car: WHY DON’T YOU LEARN HOW TO DRIVE...PAL. Con-Air: .... <The car then precedes to go down the street and knock over a mailbox while going 50 mph approaching Bond> JBond: Uh....CRAP!! thebtskink: Get rid of the locator!! <JBond throws the locator into what turns out to be a gas station> thebtskink: Well now that was just plain stupid... <The car turns and goes into the gas station causing a massive fireball explosion> <Superman pats Bond on the shoulder> Superman: Needs some more work there, Bond. Olorin: I don’t know why Q invests so much into you after all this time. JBond: I don’t know what went wrong…it always worked for Batman...here, let me try calling my tank over... <Olorin kicks the phone out of Bond’s hand> thebtskink: Hey Sir, you going to be alright? Godzilla: Oh i'll be fine, it must have ShopKo that did this. I'm going to go to there store and change their "K" to an "H"....then set it on fire of course. JBond: Of course. Olorin: Hey you guys, why don't we just walk... <The group walks across the street to the casino> Olorin: There we go! [ 10-16-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]
__________________
The due date for Round 135 of the CS Film Club is Monday, May 20th, 2013. 59 out of 64 Hugo Award winners completed. "Die Hard 5 makes Die Hard 4 look like Die Hard 1" - Doomsday |
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10-16-2001, 03:21 PM
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#21 |
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PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET
Join Date: Jul 2000
Posts: 9,463
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Bwahahaha!!! Good stuff!!!
godzilla really does sell it. 10 bucks a pound.
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It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. |
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10-16-2001, 05:22 PM
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#22 |
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Bringer of Newer Versions!
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 3,397
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This rocks
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I dont have a very interesting Signature...
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10-16-2001, 05:29 PM
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#23 | |
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Final Wars
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Monster Island
Posts: 6,185
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10-16-2001, 08:08 PM
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#24 |
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Feed me
Join Date: May 2000
Location: SR388
Posts: 67,506
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I made a little adjustment with the small pen-car in the post.
__________________
The due date for Round 135 of the CS Film Club is Monday, May 20th, 2013. 59 out of 64 Hugo Award winners completed. "Die Hard 5 makes Die Hard 4 look like Die Hard 1" - Doomsday |
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10-16-2001, 08:18 PM
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#25 |
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Studio Executive
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Somewhere else than you, obviously. Unless you're me.
Posts: 1,223
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I havent been in it, so I'll just assume I was the hot girl on the bus
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