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View Full Version : First 7 pages of my return to screenwriting - thoughts?


Brock Landers
08-26-2004, 04:41 AM
Enjoy. Feel free to post your thoughts. I want to see if any music fans can catch the references:


FADE IN:

INT. AIRPLANE - DAY

Tired, beaten, worn out, strung out from pills and alcohol - this
is BILLY FLATLAND, 25 years of age. Billy's eyes are bloodshot,
his hair is ruffled up and off-kilter. He's a man who's gone to
hell and back. He's dressed in an old pair of jeans and a silk
hirt. Expensive. For his roughed up present look, Billy is somewhat
handsome. His eyes are light blue, bright as lamps. He looks like
there's a fire growing inside him.

Outside the airplane a GIANT HUMMING BIRD hits the wing.


EXT. CRASH SITE - DAY

What was the plane that Billy was flying on is now a CRASH site.
Charred remains of bodies are everywhere. Luggage has been tossed.
Metal bits lying to and fro. And in the middle of all the carnage
and chaos is Billy, laying in the middle of all the wreckage. He's
not dead. He's alive. He stares at the sky overhead. Rain is coming.

From a distance he can hear fire trucks making their way to the plane's
crash site.

He sees something. Something he doesn't expect. At first he believes
it's a helicopter, but it's shaped differently than a helicopter and
doesn't make the same noise that a Helicopter would make. It moves
CLOSER and CLOSER to him until it dawns on Billy what exactly he's
seeing.

A giant HUMMINGBIRD.

BILLY(o/s)
I keep on coming back this scene in my
mind. It plays like I'm watching a movie.
Giant hummingbirds bring down a 747 Jet
that I happen to be flying on. I'm the only
survivor.

INT. PSYCHIATRISTS OFFICE - PRESENT - DAY

BILLY is two years older. He's in the office of DR. WILLIAM WEARY.
Weary is what you'd think of when you think of your average big
psychiatrist. He's around 57 years of age, balding, speaks in a
low, gentile voice. He Wears glasses over his large, calm eyes
and his large, jewish-like nose. He's unthreatening in every way.

Two of these people are a YOUNG MAN and a YOUNG WOMAN. The
Young Man has a slight working-class English accent and, like
his fellow countryman, smokes cigarettes like they're going
out of style.

The office is unthreatening. It's painted a grey color with a
few lively paintings lining the unthreatening walls. It's a large
office with a bookshelf with books ranging from the works of SIR
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE to J.D. SALINGER's "The Catcher in the Rye" to
ARISTOTLE to KURT VONNEGUT'S "Slaughterhouse Five", everything a
modern intellectual would have on their bookshelf.

Dr. Weary makes a few notes on his clipboard and looks to Billy,
who lays on the comfy leather couch staring up at the ceiling. His
eyes are the same distant, bloodshot eyes that they were when the
eventful plane crash happened.

DR. WEARY
Why do you think it is that you keep on
coming back to the plane crash?

BILLY
(sarcastically)
I don't know doc, it really isn't that
big of a deal.

Billy's voice matches his eyes. He's a dreamer. His voice is lazy
and uncaring.

DR. WEARY
Now, now, Mr. Flatland, their is no need
for unwarranted sarcasm.
(pause)
It is my opinion that....

Billy isn't listening, and Dr. Weary's VOICE just gets lower and
lower until you can't hear it anymore. Time seems to SLOW DOWN, yet
Billy seems to be moving at normal speed. Weary's mouth moves very
slowly as he goes over his clipboard.

STOMPING FEET fill Billy's ears, he flinches as the STOMPING grows
louder. He knows where it's coming from. The Stomping RIPS AT HIS
BRAIN.

It becomes too much for him and he SCREAMS.


INT. DRESSING ROOM - BACKSTAGE - THE DIAMOND CLUB

The bandmembers of the group "MONSTER" are in the Dressing Room of
the hip club called "The Diamond Club." The dressing room is large,
exotic, spacious. Every member of the group seem to be in a type of
deep transe, almost like a medidation. Muffled by the walls of the
dressing room we can hear the very same STOMPING that was ripping
apart Billy's brain in the last scene.

Everyone is in their DEEP MEDITATION TRANSE. Everyone except for
Billy, who is standing infront of a mirror, frantically trying to
get his hair perfect. His action are sporadic, hyper. If he was any
stronger his tough comb would probably be ripping his hair out by now.

He's clearly on drugs, a spot of dried blood crusting under his right
nostril. His eyes move everywhere as if possessed by demons. He is
on the verge of a drug-induced breakdown. Billy is ready to EXPLODE.

From his point of view his hair has become tough bits of straw and
everytime he combed one flat it seemed to get a life of it's own and
curl back up, the way he hates it.

On the sink below the mirror there's tablets of what appears to be
MANDREX, in pill form. Billy throws his comb across the room. Nobody
notices because they're too far in to meditation to notice what he is
doing. He has a razorblade on the sink, and he begins to manically
chop the tablets of Mandrax in to little bits.

Billy looks to a jar of BRYLCREEM on the counter.

BILLY
This should do the ****ing trip, yes
sir-ee!

Billy LAUGHS like a madman and scoops up the little bits of the drug
and lets the pieces fall in to the jar of Brylcreem.

He takes a large scoop of the Brylcreem and applies it frantically to
his hair, mixing it all around and defeats what he was trying to do.
His hair is no longer the tamed, organized style that he wanted but a
mess of free-roaming hair.

Billy looks at his hair and smiles.

BILLY
(smiles, pleased)
Perfect.
(grin fades away)
I'm Jesus Christ. Fear me.

The door to the dressing room opens. Their MANAGER walks inside.

MANAGER
You're wanted onstage guys.

Billy CONTINUES to stand there at the mirror, looking at the now
befuddled mess his hair is.

BILLY(v/o)
It was the moment Thomas, our manager,
came in to the room and announced that
is was showtime. I just couldn't leave
the room.

DR. WEARY(v/o)
Why is that?

BILLY(v/o)
(stuttering)
I....I....don't know. Ashamed, I guess.

DR. WEARY(v/o)
Why ashamed?

BILLY(v/o)
My hair.

DR. WEARY(v/o)
Your hair?

The bandmembers of "Monster" are walking out of the dressing room,
in full attire, ready to rock and roll. Everyone except BILLY, who
is staring at his hair in the mirror. It's mocking him, taunting
him.

THOUSANDS OF VOICES are RINGING INSIDE BILLY'S HEAD.

A wicked grin spreads across his face once more.


INT. OFFSTAGE - MADISON SQUARE GARDEN

Billy is walking towards the main stage. He can see every member
of the band onstage, waiting for him. NORI, 27, stands there to the
right of the main microphone with his guitar. He has curly blonde
hair and big green eyes. He is Billy's best friend in the world,
you can tell by the way they look at eachother as Nori notices
Billy coming to the stage. JAMES, 28, the drummer for the band,
stares off in to the vast CROWD. He looks almost catatonic. The
band's bass player, MICKEY, 23, looks up at the high ceiling of
"the garden."

A STAGEHAND approaches Billy, giving him the universal sign of
"thumbs up."

STAGEHAND
Good luck, Billy.

BILLY
(deadpan)
**** off.

The Stagehand looks after Billy as he leaves and gives him the
universal "middle-finger" sign meaning: "**** you."

INT. MAIN STAGE - CONTINUOUS

Billy has taken the MAIN STAGE. His big hulking BLUE FENDER STRAT
hangs by a strap on him. His eyes are distant. It seems his soul
is gone. He's LIFELESS there on stage.

The CROWD OF MADISON SQUARE GARDEN: A hippie stares off in to
the roof on the Garden, also in a drug-induced stupor. Two little
"emo" girls watch the bandmembers as if looking at gods. Another
Hippie starts BOOING at Billy.

Billy pays no attention to the booing man. He's off in his own
world. GIANT BLUE JAYS fly around the stratosphere of Madison
Square Garden. Two little children dressed in 1920's clothing
dance around NORI, who pays no notice.

NORI
Man, are you all right? Billy?
(looks to James,
beat)
Billy, man, are you O.K.?

Billy doesn't ANSWER. His eyes are darting to every single light
in the garden.

The Moose
08-26-2004, 04:52 AM
that's pretty good

but can i say one thing: unless the crash serves some real purpose later in the screenplay, change it to something else. it just seems ot be used too much

Brock Landers
08-26-2004, 04:53 AM
that's pretty good

but can i say one thing: unless the crash serves some real purpose later in the screenplay, change it to something else. it just seems ot be used too much

You'll see.

BEXSTAR
08-26-2004, 05:35 AM
I just finished reading it. I think its really good.

I like the way that you describe things in detail. Its a must for me when choosing a book

Brock Landers
08-26-2004, 11:20 PM
I just finished reading it. I think its really good.

I like the way that you describe things in detail. Its a must for me when choosing a book

I wrote a few more pages today, Billy having his breakdown on stage.

stonefaced_1
08-29-2004, 09:24 AM
Ok, it's pretty good so far.

Suggestions:

1. Unless there is a reason for it, change the name monster.

2. When Billy starts talking about his hair. Get rid of the voiceover and go back to the shrink's office. Have him smoking a cigarette maybe for effect.

3. The manager says "Your wanted on stage", possibly change that to "It's time boys" or something else.

4. Stick with it. It's pretty good and has a lot of potential.