Valeen: The Lone Hunter

[fineus fog]

ive decided to post an excerpt of a fantasy book im writing at the moment just to get a few opinions.

Please note that this excerpt takes place about 1/4 of the way the way thru the projected story.
Our hero has come out of a small village and banded together as many warriors as possible to fight off foreign invaders.

CHAPTER 5: THE 1ST BATTLE.
Valeen sat silently still, his gazed fixed on the canyon ahead, its seemingly unscaleable rock walls on either side shut out all daylight as if time stood still.
Behind Valeen stood his army, 6000 strong they stood; a deathly silence was upon them interuppted only by the whiney and shuffle of the horses.
Valeen's lieutenant rode up next to him.
"your thoughts look dark my lord"stated Kandol.
Valeen hesitated, saying nothing he stared straight ahead, his mind twisting in turmoil- looking for some hope to cling to, for victory has never been needed as it was on this day.
"M'lord! the archers are ready." said Kandol
"....Yes.. thankyou Kandol" Valeen smiled, he had known Kandol for many years and to think that this day could spell the end of his people nearly brought tears to his eyes. Holding back the tears he reached over to Kandol's shoulder and stared deeply into his eyes
"My brother, now is but a fleeting moment of fear, discourage it for soon it will turn to victory."
With that Valeen turned to his army raising his sword high into the air and spoke thes word in a voice that shook the canyons walls
"Soldiers, Fighters and Warriors you are, many of your brothers and family have died fighting wars for land, money, greed and titles, but put away these titles and fight for your people!!

At that moment the clouds rumbled and over the horizon came the darkest sight ever seen in the kingdom.
Flaming torches, row upon row could be seen entering the canyon, great drums sounded and shouts of defiance and hate shook the canyons walls.
Column after column they marched, 15000 strong some legends told hellbent on the destruction of every man woman and child of Craan.
Amile from Valeens army they stopped, and for the first time the men of Craan faced their enemies and possibly thier death.

[LordofKings]

very good Fog, very good. Like the names and the way you describe everything. I had a clear picture of what was happening. Thats my biggest problem, is decribing what i have in my mind and writing it down.

But, very good stuff. The dialogue is nice to, very epic-like.

Post more if you can, its good stuff

[The Moose]

it's pretty good fineus, but if i were you, i'd change "his lieutenant rode up to his side" to the name of the lieutenant

other than that, it's pretty good.

if ya want me to be really picky, you've got the odd syntax problem there, as well as the interlinking of ideas. just try and make it make a little more sense.

as i said. other than that, it's great. love the names

[ambrosia]

I work for a small, local publishing group now (we only just got started January this year) and have come to acquire a super ***** streak... so I'm going to make this short and sweet.

Work on your syntax... seriously, it is quite bad. I can spot three grammar errors in the first sentence alone. If you want people to take your work seriously you have to take it seriously first.

Ok. :)

Additionally, the first chapter should have your best writing in it... not your fifth. The first one has to capture a readers attention and have them want to read more; you gotta have to make them want to read to the good bits.

[LordofKings]

Curious, whats Syntax?

[ambrosia]

Originally posted by LordofKings
Curious, whats Syntax?

Rules that govern how words are combined to form phrases and sentences. Where you put your comma's, speech marks and such are all related to syntax.

[LordofKings]

Oh, is that a U.S term, because i have never heard that? hear, in South Florida we just call that Proper Grammer.

[fineus fog]

thanks guys
ive never thought of myself as a writer
THIS IS MY FIRST ATTEMPT!!
I had a na idea that i wanted to share
but thanks for the advice ambrosia but i dont quite understand the first part of your message
where i live we study "the queens english" ive never heard of syntax
and the fact it was posted at 2 in the morning

[ambrosia]

Originally posted by fineus fog

but thanks for the advice ambrosia but i dont quite understand the first part of your message
where i live we study "the queens english" ive never heard of syntax
and the fact it was posted at 2 in the morning

Syntax/Proper Grammar, it's all good. :) Since this is your first attempt, I should've been more considerate. This being a message board, you obviously can't tell a persons age/experience and such, so I apologise.

Basically, what i was saying, was that your grammar needs some heavy refinement... the fact that you posted it at 2am in the morning shouldn't really matter... unless you wrote it at 2 in the morning? :confused:

[fineus fog]

i was embellishing pre- written notes at 2am

[krullglaive]

i thought it was nice ...and syntax will come...keep it up.....

[2_much_popcorn1]

good stuff

[The Moose]

i've had syntax drilled into me here fineus.

obviously being picked up on