droidguy1119
01-01-2004, 10:41 PM
Alright. This is a story one of my old friends made. He said he wanted me to make it into a movie. He'd write the book, I'd write the script.
The only problem is that (and I told him this) that this is undoubtedly the most illogical, ridiculous, cliche, and generally worst story ever written. It's hysterical.
I know it sounds kind of heartless, but he thought it was funny too, so I'm going to post the story here. I've added my comments, MST3K-style, to the story, inside the brackets. Hope you get as much enjoyment out of it as my friends and I do.
All the capitalization and bad wording was the way the story was originally printed, so we left them.
Also, I titled it. It didn't have a title.
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Prologue
The End is the Beginning [That's right, don't give anything away quite yet...]
Ulthrad [The ulthrad is a body part, kids. It is the little-known vein that connects the heart to the kidneys.] stood motionless atop the foggy hillside. His breathing was scarcely visible, save for the heaving of his chest [Except for the wildy erratic movement, there’s no visible movement.], made more so by the lack of oxygen that came from the fog [Oh my God. I can’t breathe. There’s…there’s too much air in here!]. Badly injured, he strained his nerveless arm to no avail [His nerveless arm, ladies and gentlemen.]. He looked at the great gash in his biceps [Yes, one gash, two biceps]. The nerve was sliced clean through [What nerve? It’s a nerveless arm!]. Damn! He thought to himself . That fool nearly sliced my arm off! [My [i]nerveless arm!] His bone was the only thing holding his arm onto the rest of his beaten body, and it was completely numb [Yes. A nerveless arm and a numb bone]. He looked at his right hand, in which, his blood-slicked phase sword gleamed bright as the setting suns about him.
Ignoring this injury [:funny:], he took a step forward. This mistake he realized, as he fell with a curse. [This makes me think of The Night Before Christmas. “I ran to my window aflash! But I fell with a curse!] The many shattered bones in his legs and lower back were grating together like cookie crumbs. [That's right. Ground together like cookie crumbs. No, really, just imagine the sound effect.] He tried to get up, and fell again, screaming. He caught his breath, and cursed again, this time, at his fallen opponent. In a fury, he dropped his sword, [from his stomach, on the ground,] and readied his inferno pistol. He gazed down its sight for only half a second before losing control and emptying the cartridge upon his slain brother. [My dead brother…you die tonight.]
“You were a fool to challenge me, Skith!” [Ulthrad and Skith. What a team.] He chided. “I am your elder, I am your better! [Uh-huh.] It seems, my fallen opponent, that the first hit is not always the hardest!” With that, the mighty Ulthrad stood, […rearing like the mighty intestinal tract, glistening in the suns like a kidney stone…] and began the long, painful journey home. […to HELL!]
Chapter I
A Legend [You Never Wanted to Hear] Revived
Since Childhood, Ulthrad Tylandross showed remarkable physical and mental prowess, […but he was dropped on his head soon afterward, and lost it all.] especially in the use of the Gargadus, a massive psychic reservoir of […mouthwash and] unimaginable power […in cavity-fighting and gum-disease prevention.]. This Transference was, according to Kildrath legend, created solely for use by the Kildrath, and therefore, should be kept a secret to all but the highest seers. [So not only does only one planet get to know about this Gargadus thing, but only some of the people can hear about it. And if only they get to hear about it, who judges how good he is at it? Don't they have to test everyone?] No one expected the turn that came on poor Ulthrad’s fifteenth passing. [What? Fifteenth death?] Upon great destiny’s eve, all who had come of maturity were to draw forth from the Pool of Stones. First, came a merchant, and a cheer. [Hooray! We’ll never buy anything from you!] Next, an entertainer, and another cheer of fervor from the crowd. [Entertainment. If only there were some present in this story.] All present began to murmur predictions and gambling with fate [[i]Gambling with fate!?] as Ulthrad stepped forth. […resembling the great sternum, in its first trip to the pit of kidney stones…]
He shuddered, stepped upon the pedestal of gold, and plucked a single stone. A gasp and a cry came from the crowd. For, although he had the powers of a seer at the highest level, [that is not my card.] he had drawn the stone of the warrior. As it was forbidden to practice any skill but the one chosen, there came a dilemma. Would he be able to become a warrior, as fate had predicted? [Or is fate amusing itself by torturing poor Ulthrad? I know if I was fate, I would.] Or was he doomed to walk the planet as a failure, a low-class soldier, with no abilities beyond the metaphysical? [Because those people are punished, and have stories written after them!]
The Elders called a council. There was talk of the “Legend of [Zelda: The Wind Waker.] the Two Brothers.” Although, at the time, Ulthrad had no brothers of his own, the legend spoke of a young boy with both a mastery of the Gargadus [which kills 10% more plaque than Scope], and a fighting ability unmatched by any other. The legend was dismissed before the Elders had a chance to talk about it [er, after the talk they were doing about it was finished with], for the boy had no brother. And the legend spoke of two. [Wait, two brothers? This story is too confusing.]
And so it came to pass that young Ulthrad [like the mighty liver] was taught the way of the warrior, and no other. [That’s right. No card tricks, no hopscotch, no nothing. Them were hard times.] With his rapid maturity, [yeah, right] he soon learned of his great power, and exercised it regularly, much to the Elders’ ignorance. [Because the Elders have important stuff to care about.] Soon, he had grown into a full-fledged officer in the Kildrath military. He quickly advanced through the ranks, and became a military tactical genius. Much to everyone’s apparent discontent. ["We hate you! Fail miserably!"] Rumors began to spread like wildfire of the fairytale of two brothers [which was a big problem, since it has the great Gargadus in it, and nobody’s supposed to know about it.] It was once believed that Ulthrad actually had a brother [who died in a terrible sledding accident], but was quickly subdued by the enforcers [“Never speak again.”], an elite team, composed of five ruthless warriors, dedicated to peace. [That’s right. [i]Ruthlessly peaceful.] The suspicions of the public were confirmed one day; however, [when Ulthrad finally revealed that he was gay] in a battle like none the world of Kildra had ever seen. [A commoner drank from the Gargadus! NOBODY SHALL HAVE THY MINT FLAVOR BUT THE HIGHEST SEERS, DAMMIT!]
The army had been fighting for a total of five days, seven hours. Ulthrad’s squad ["Ulthrad's squad." Whoa.] was dropping like birflies [?] under the heavy shower of inferno bolts. [Kill them! Kill them! They are the enemy!] The call to advance still rang clear in their com-links, and they carried forward. Ulthrad had just taken a single scarbod, a little scaly purple affair [Oh, lord.] with huge jaws, and decimating weapons, and was advancing upon another, when his com-link flashed, […and the scarbod heard the noise, turned, and killed the ever-present Ulthrad with one well-placed shot.] and his comrade, as well as best friend, appeared in front of him. [“I’m sorry, but we should see other people.”]
“We can’t hold much longer!” Came the helpless cry. [“Help us, Santa, the Grinch has stolen Christmas!”] “We’re dropping fast, [like birflies,] we need assistance! Ulthrad, bring your command, and hurry!” The link faded, and Ulthrad was jumped by a horde of purple, teeth flying as they hurled themselves upon him. [Like the movie Twister, only purple.] He activated his repulsion shield [eh, don’t bother, already fully repulsed], and the scarbods were flung off of his torso […and onto his face.]. He then called to his subordinates. [Oh, this man does not have people lower on the totem pole than him.]
“Let’s get over to the fortress, up north!” Rang the call. [“They’ve got cable, and apparently free coffee for the first thirty-five people!”] “Squad Veritan is holed up and all exits are blocked by the purple swarm! Let’s [stay in the fortress until they’re all dead, and pretend we were too late!] go!” At once, his command snapped to attention. They finished the herd advancing on them, and quickly set off to tear down the purple barricade. When they arrived, the inexorable tide of scarbods [whooo! Go scarbods!] had just chewed through the walls. The screams of both man and creature could be heard [“Oh, God, let the story end here!”], and the hail of fire was incredible.
“This isn’t the Fire Festival, boys! Let’s quit gackin’ and start hackin’!” [What is “gackin’”?] Came a call from a grunt. “And, uh, let’s try not to screw this one up.” [Too late.] They advanced, and took the scarbods completely by surprise [what with scarbods not noticing the yelling and whooping.] They tore through the first storm in a hail of inferno, and took the second by phase sword. Soon, all that was left was a single, solitary, shaking soldier. [Hooray! The scarbods won!] “Hey guys, who wants ‘im?” Asked another soldier. [Wait, what? I thought there was one. And they’re killing themselves now? Well, I guess that makes sense, but…] “He-he, check this out!” Without another word, an entire clip was unloaded on the armor plating of the scarbod’s gun. [Shot it in the gun.] “Look at ‘im squirm!” [“Heh, I gots me a big ‘un!”] He said. Suddenly, the scarbod jumped. In a split second, the one who has fired was down, a huge hole torn through his armor by the teeth of the angry scarbod. Ulthrad took control [pumping blood and digesting solid foods.]. He leapt over his command, and unsheathed his sword. In a flash, a purple head departed it’s shoulders [because heads just, you know, depart], and victory was theirs.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's all he wrote. It's the greatest story ever.
And victory was theirs!
The only problem is that (and I told him this) that this is undoubtedly the most illogical, ridiculous, cliche, and generally worst story ever written. It's hysterical.
I know it sounds kind of heartless, but he thought it was funny too, so I'm going to post the story here. I've added my comments, MST3K-style, to the story, inside the brackets. Hope you get as much enjoyment out of it as my friends and I do.
All the capitalization and bad wording was the way the story was originally printed, so we left them.
Also, I titled it. It didn't have a title.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prologue
The End is the Beginning [That's right, don't give anything away quite yet...]
Ulthrad [The ulthrad is a body part, kids. It is the little-known vein that connects the heart to the kidneys.] stood motionless atop the foggy hillside. His breathing was scarcely visible, save for the heaving of his chest [Except for the wildy erratic movement, there’s no visible movement.], made more so by the lack of oxygen that came from the fog [Oh my God. I can’t breathe. There’s…there’s too much air in here!]. Badly injured, he strained his nerveless arm to no avail [His nerveless arm, ladies and gentlemen.]. He looked at the great gash in his biceps [Yes, one gash, two biceps]. The nerve was sliced clean through [What nerve? It’s a nerveless arm!]. Damn! He thought to himself . That fool nearly sliced my arm off! [My [i]nerveless arm!] His bone was the only thing holding his arm onto the rest of his beaten body, and it was completely numb [Yes. A nerveless arm and a numb bone]. He looked at his right hand, in which, his blood-slicked phase sword gleamed bright as the setting suns about him.
Ignoring this injury [:funny:], he took a step forward. This mistake he realized, as he fell with a curse. [This makes me think of The Night Before Christmas. “I ran to my window aflash! But I fell with a curse!] The many shattered bones in his legs and lower back were grating together like cookie crumbs. [That's right. Ground together like cookie crumbs. No, really, just imagine the sound effect.] He tried to get up, and fell again, screaming. He caught his breath, and cursed again, this time, at his fallen opponent. In a fury, he dropped his sword, [from his stomach, on the ground,] and readied his inferno pistol. He gazed down its sight for only half a second before losing control and emptying the cartridge upon his slain brother. [My dead brother…you die tonight.]
“You were a fool to challenge me, Skith!” [Ulthrad and Skith. What a team.] He chided. “I am your elder, I am your better! [Uh-huh.] It seems, my fallen opponent, that the first hit is not always the hardest!” With that, the mighty Ulthrad stood, […rearing like the mighty intestinal tract, glistening in the suns like a kidney stone…] and began the long, painful journey home. […to HELL!]
Chapter I
A Legend [You Never Wanted to Hear] Revived
Since Childhood, Ulthrad Tylandross showed remarkable physical and mental prowess, […but he was dropped on his head soon afterward, and lost it all.] especially in the use of the Gargadus, a massive psychic reservoir of […mouthwash and] unimaginable power […in cavity-fighting and gum-disease prevention.]. This Transference was, according to Kildrath legend, created solely for use by the Kildrath, and therefore, should be kept a secret to all but the highest seers. [So not only does only one planet get to know about this Gargadus thing, but only some of the people can hear about it. And if only they get to hear about it, who judges how good he is at it? Don't they have to test everyone?] No one expected the turn that came on poor Ulthrad’s fifteenth passing. [What? Fifteenth death?] Upon great destiny’s eve, all who had come of maturity were to draw forth from the Pool of Stones. First, came a merchant, and a cheer. [Hooray! We’ll never buy anything from you!] Next, an entertainer, and another cheer of fervor from the crowd. [Entertainment. If only there were some present in this story.] All present began to murmur predictions and gambling with fate [[i]Gambling with fate!?] as Ulthrad stepped forth. […resembling the great sternum, in its first trip to the pit of kidney stones…]
He shuddered, stepped upon the pedestal of gold, and plucked a single stone. A gasp and a cry came from the crowd. For, although he had the powers of a seer at the highest level, [that is not my card.] he had drawn the stone of the warrior. As it was forbidden to practice any skill but the one chosen, there came a dilemma. Would he be able to become a warrior, as fate had predicted? [Or is fate amusing itself by torturing poor Ulthrad? I know if I was fate, I would.] Or was he doomed to walk the planet as a failure, a low-class soldier, with no abilities beyond the metaphysical? [Because those people are punished, and have stories written after them!]
The Elders called a council. There was talk of the “Legend of [Zelda: The Wind Waker.] the Two Brothers.” Although, at the time, Ulthrad had no brothers of his own, the legend spoke of a young boy with both a mastery of the Gargadus [which kills 10% more plaque than Scope], and a fighting ability unmatched by any other. The legend was dismissed before the Elders had a chance to talk about it [er, after the talk they were doing about it was finished with], for the boy had no brother. And the legend spoke of two. [Wait, two brothers? This story is too confusing.]
And so it came to pass that young Ulthrad [like the mighty liver] was taught the way of the warrior, and no other. [That’s right. No card tricks, no hopscotch, no nothing. Them were hard times.] With his rapid maturity, [yeah, right] he soon learned of his great power, and exercised it regularly, much to the Elders’ ignorance. [Because the Elders have important stuff to care about.] Soon, he had grown into a full-fledged officer in the Kildrath military. He quickly advanced through the ranks, and became a military tactical genius. Much to everyone’s apparent discontent. ["We hate you! Fail miserably!"] Rumors began to spread like wildfire of the fairytale of two brothers [which was a big problem, since it has the great Gargadus in it, and nobody’s supposed to know about it.] It was once believed that Ulthrad actually had a brother [who died in a terrible sledding accident], but was quickly subdued by the enforcers [“Never speak again.”], an elite team, composed of five ruthless warriors, dedicated to peace. [That’s right. [i]Ruthlessly peaceful.] The suspicions of the public were confirmed one day; however, [when Ulthrad finally revealed that he was gay] in a battle like none the world of Kildra had ever seen. [A commoner drank from the Gargadus! NOBODY SHALL HAVE THY MINT FLAVOR BUT THE HIGHEST SEERS, DAMMIT!]
The army had been fighting for a total of five days, seven hours. Ulthrad’s squad ["Ulthrad's squad." Whoa.] was dropping like birflies [?] under the heavy shower of inferno bolts. [Kill them! Kill them! They are the enemy!] The call to advance still rang clear in their com-links, and they carried forward. Ulthrad had just taken a single scarbod, a little scaly purple affair [Oh, lord.] with huge jaws, and decimating weapons, and was advancing upon another, when his com-link flashed, […and the scarbod heard the noise, turned, and killed the ever-present Ulthrad with one well-placed shot.] and his comrade, as well as best friend, appeared in front of him. [“I’m sorry, but we should see other people.”]
“We can’t hold much longer!” Came the helpless cry. [“Help us, Santa, the Grinch has stolen Christmas!”] “We’re dropping fast, [like birflies,] we need assistance! Ulthrad, bring your command, and hurry!” The link faded, and Ulthrad was jumped by a horde of purple, teeth flying as they hurled themselves upon him. [Like the movie Twister, only purple.] He activated his repulsion shield [eh, don’t bother, already fully repulsed], and the scarbods were flung off of his torso […and onto his face.]. He then called to his subordinates. [Oh, this man does not have people lower on the totem pole than him.]
“Let’s get over to the fortress, up north!” Rang the call. [“They’ve got cable, and apparently free coffee for the first thirty-five people!”] “Squad Veritan is holed up and all exits are blocked by the purple swarm! Let’s [stay in the fortress until they’re all dead, and pretend we were too late!] go!” At once, his command snapped to attention. They finished the herd advancing on them, and quickly set off to tear down the purple barricade. When they arrived, the inexorable tide of scarbods [whooo! Go scarbods!] had just chewed through the walls. The screams of both man and creature could be heard [“Oh, God, let the story end here!”], and the hail of fire was incredible.
“This isn’t the Fire Festival, boys! Let’s quit gackin’ and start hackin’!” [What is “gackin’”?] Came a call from a grunt. “And, uh, let’s try not to screw this one up.” [Too late.] They advanced, and took the scarbods completely by surprise [what with scarbods not noticing the yelling and whooping.] They tore through the first storm in a hail of inferno, and took the second by phase sword. Soon, all that was left was a single, solitary, shaking soldier. [Hooray! The scarbods won!] “Hey guys, who wants ‘im?” Asked another soldier. [Wait, what? I thought there was one. And they’re killing themselves now? Well, I guess that makes sense, but…] “He-he, check this out!” Without another word, an entire clip was unloaded on the armor plating of the scarbod’s gun. [Shot it in the gun.] “Look at ‘im squirm!” [“Heh, I gots me a big ‘un!”] He said. Suddenly, the scarbod jumped. In a split second, the one who has fired was down, a huge hole torn through his armor by the teeth of the angry scarbod. Ulthrad took control [pumping blood and digesting solid foods.]. He leapt over his command, and unsheathed his sword. In a flash, a purple head departed it’s shoulders [because heads just, you know, depart], and victory was theirs.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's all he wrote. It's the greatest story ever.
And victory was theirs!