Man 101

[IdahoMR2man]

Ok. I'm fed up with this stuff. Brotha's don't know what it means to be a dude. There's certain responsibilities and rules that one must live by. We all know there's a bajillion unspoken rules men must follow. Well I think some of us men have forgotten those rules or weren't born with the part of the brain that instinctively kicks those rules into effect.

So I ask the fellow ball-bearers! Teach! Learn! And quit
being such douchebags!!!

Ok. I've got two rules to start. One is a personal one and the other I stole out of Maxim.

Guys are stupid. We do dumb things. Like cheat on our girlfriends. Or sleep with a girl that we have no intention of talking to ever again. But we must NEVER EVER do something bad to a girl that is either a virgin or has only been with you. Because if you hurt that girl you've just shown her that all men are ***** and she'll never sleep with any of the rest of us. Thanks alot you buttpipe.

Second Rule:
Farting in front of a woman can only occur if you've brought that woman to orgasm.

[Longshanks]

Issues?

[Iben]

I guess that makes my ex a buttpipe.

[WebMonkey]

Three : Never get back with an Ex. NEVER!
The only reason that this might be allowed could be for one night of hot sex.

Four: Hangovers and nagging girls dont mix. Stop one of them. (Although this could mean no more beer, so... nough said really.)

[Kris Hodgson]

Another rule:

There is no sex in the champagne room.

Thank you Chris Rock.

[WebMonkey]

Six : Never trust your Beer-goggles. They are the joke of the Devil.

[Sparhawk]

Originally posted by WebMonkey
Six : Never trust your Beer-goggles. They are the joke of the Devil.

Another prime example of why a wingman is essential to any mission!

[IdahoMR2man]

Sub note, to rule six. If your buddy is trusting his beer goggles make sure that the girl is at the level of his drunkedness. i.e. if it would take 8 beers for you to hook up with her, make sure he's at least had 8 beers.

[WebMonkey]

Seven : Wingmen drink as much as you do. Dont trust them if they can not stand straight.

[IdahoMR2man]

8: Never EVER under any circumstances let your friend wear a Speedo. There's no exceptions.

[WebMonkey]

Nine : Girls lie too. They are not all Angels as their faces may tell you..

Ten : Forget what your dad said about the Birds and the Bees. HE LIED. Birds fly into buildings and Bees are easily kiiled.

[IdahoMR2man]

11: You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and
threw It into a ceiling fan.

[WebMonkey]

12 : Saying you dont know what their talking about, when they shout at you for looking at other females chests, legs, ass, face or any other part of the female body, is not a lie.

[IdahoMR2man]

13. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.

14: Giving cigarettes to people who don't smoke is not cool. Giving cigarettes to a buddy who is trying to quit is not ok, either unless he is going to let you see his wife's boobs.

[WebMonkey]

15 : Wanting a mates girl is okay, having is wrong, wrong, WRONG.

16 : There is more than one way to skin a cat... I used six ways on my ex girlfiend's.

[Longshanks]

Ah - minor rant then straight on to the blokes jokes :D

[IdahoMR2man]

17: Picking a fight with someone in a crowded bar because they bumped into you means you have a small penis.

[Balrog of Moria]

lol....Great stuff guys

[WebMonkey]

Originally posted by Longshanks
Ah - minor rant then straight on to the blokes jokes :D

18 : Hoping the girl of your dreams will come along, is a nobble mith, just dont live by it.

19 : Having a penis doesn't make you one by law, girls.

[IdahoMR2man]

20: It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning
on A tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and
it's free.

[thebtskink]

21. It's permissible to sing to your favorite song while you're in the car. However, such permission is nullified when your buddies join in. That's just weird. Unless you're all drunk, and/or the song is "Bohemian Rhapsody"

[IdahoMR2man]

Sub note to 21: It is ALWAYS ok to judge a man as a friend if he sings the lyrics "Some Puerto Rican girls that justs DYING to MEETCHO" from Miss You.

[smokiechimp]

22: Never tell a girl that you went to a strip club and thought it was "OK" ALWAYS say "No, It Was Discusting"

[IdahoMR2man]

23: If your daughter has sex with her teacher, beat the holy living hell out of him. If your son has sex with his teacher, buy him a car.

[smokiechimp]

24: If you ever get caught with a hooker, tell everyone she cost 100 bucks, just to save embarrassment! ;)

[tedward]

25: No matter how good looking your girlfriends best friend is "you dont think shes attractive "

[southern]

tell that to my best friend's boyfriend

[tedward]

26. As a rule girls dont generally like to talk about he-man and other cool cartoons of the eighties.

[WebMonkey]

27 : When in a relationship, dont forget your friends. And dont forget your living YOUR life.

[tedward]

Originally posted by WebMonkey
27 : When in a relationship, dont forget your friends. And dont forget your living YOUR life.

your freinds all away with their girlfriends are they?


rule 28 - Whenever one of your friends is on the phone to his girlfreind you must make fun of him mercilously - about being under the thumb etc.

[thebtskink]

Originally posted by tedward
26. As a rule girls dont generally like to talk about he-man and other cool cartoons of the eighties.

Sub-note: When trying to draw the interest of a girl away from you, nothing works better than recalling your favorite Transformers and G.I. Joes characters and battles.

[WebMonkey]

29 : Always, always say she's not fat in the that dress.

[dr_evil]

Rule #30: dont tell girls that you are a Star Trek fan unless you are at a Star Trek Convention

[IdahoMR2man]

Rule 31: Don't go to Star Trek Conventions.

[dr_evil]

*ignore*

[IdahoMR2man]

That's rule 29 dude!

[dr_evil]

Originally posted by IdahoMR2man
That's rule 29 dude!

crap my bad :(
*reads over thread*

[IdahoMR2man]

Rule 32: Weiner's are NOT funny or sexy. Keep it in your pants.

[smokiechimp]

Rule 33: If you think your girlfriends mom is hot

1 - Don't tell her

2 - Don't tell her mom

3 - Don't bounce her mom

4 - If you do, enjoy it but then Run, Run and don't look back!!

5 - DON'T tell your friends she is a MILF! It will lead to bad, bad things!

[WebMonkey]

Rule 34 : NEVER call your manhood pet names, for example, Jeeves or Dave.

It will lead to not jumping bones with your girl.+

[smokiechimp]

Rule 35: Don't talk to her boobes!!

[WebMonkey]

36 : Dont look at her lips and blanck out the voice, as she telling you all that's happened to her today.

[southern]

hey guys if your girlfriend comes over and brings her best friend don't grab the best friends boobs

[WebMonkey]

What a wicked idea !!! I'm gonna do it... I'm sure she wont mind. Thanks Southern...

[southern]

.........or it could result in a black eye or brocken balls

[IdahoMR2man]

Bah! Leave this thread yee of the land of Estro! Take your silly rules and apply them to your Ken dolls! And knit me a sweater!

[southern]

that also could lead to broken balls

[WebMonkey]

This is a male only thread... male rules to live by....

[smokiechimp]

WoW! A MAN thread. I like!

37: Her Bum Does NOT Look Big In That Dress!

[IdahoMR2man]

We of the land of Testos will grab whomever's bosoooms we choose!

[WebMonkey]

Only joking.................or am i ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

[southern]

fine i'll take my boobs and leave

[IdahoMR2man]

Originally posted by smokiechimp
WoW! A MAN thread. I like!

37: Her Bum Does NOT Look Big In That Dress!

For the second time this is Rule 29!!!!!!

[WebMonkey]

Originally posted by southern
fine i'll take my boobs and leave

No no... It's ok...


Leave the boobs on your way out.

[Balrog of Moria]

Land of Testes....Has a nice ring to it

[southern]

Originally posted by WebMonkey
No no... It's ok...


Leave the boobs on your way out.
sorry i'm a bit attatched to them

[smokiechimp]

Originally posted by IdahoMR2man
For the second time this is Rule 29!!!!!!

Well now it's rule 37 aswell!! OOOOKKKKKK!!!!!! :p

*pulls kipper half way out of his pocket* OoooKkk!

[WebMonkey]

aaaaaaaaaaawwwww.

In a perfect world... *starts day dreaming about such things*

[WebMonkey]

37 : Men must stick together through thick and thin....and southern's flirting.

[smokiechimp]

Rule 38: All Kippers are off limits!

[IdahoMR2man]

Debatable rule #39
If your buddy is chasing after a girl for a couple weeks and hasn't bagged her and actually doesn't REALLY care for her, just wants her body, she's fair game.

[Balrog of Moria]

Debateable Indeed

[WebMonkey]

Debatable rule #39 is a RULE. Of course she is. Love and War and all that.

[Chodaboy]

just to add to this thread....

46 RULES THAT GUYS
WISH GIRLS KNEW.....

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to;expect an answer you do not want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.

26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done; not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and either do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

40. If it itches, it will be scratched.

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together.

46. What the hell is a doily?

[thebtskink]

40. A friend is not truly a friend until you can carry on a conversation with him made almost entirely out of grunts.

[WebMonkey]

Chodaboy...you belong in this men only thread man!!!
Although your last post has used up most of my jokes for the next 30 mins.

Rule 41 : When the girl say, you've had enough to drink... look her in the eyes and say... "Lady, you wish". Then carry on drinking till the early hours with your friends..as friends are forever.

[IdahoMR2man]

Rule 42: It's ok to measure your penis. It's not ok to compare with your friends.

[Balrog of Moria]

Rule 43: A friend with weed is a friend indeed

[Brock Landers]

Originally posted by IdahoMR2man
We of the land of Testos will grab whomever's bosoooms we choose!

HELL YEAH!!!

[smokiechimp]

So when do we get to have a Mass Debate! :hehe:

God I'm sooo Funny! :p

[Rogue]

:funny: You guys are hilarious!

[Iben]

Chodaboy -----> :lol:

[thebtskink]

Originally posted by IdahoMR2man
Rule 42: It's ok to measure your penis. It's not ok to compare with your friends.

Sub-Rule: It's even worse to use the same ruler. That ruler must be soaked in alcohol, burnt, and given a proper burial. ;)

[welty69]

Rule 44 --- Do not ask us to pull over and "ask" us to inquire for directions. We will not do it, unless we are alone, even then we will not tell you.

[IdahoMR2man]

Rule 45: Pretending to be a vampire/werewolf/Kleenon/douchebag does NOT make you cool or mysterious. Kicking ass and banging hot women that are way out of normal guy's league makes you cool and/or mysterious. Any one that does try to be the above things end up looking like the Beholder on Saturday Night Live.

[Balrog of Moria]

ha...That rules

Rule 46: Leaving the toilet seat down it ok...We pay the bills, We own the F'n thing

[tedward]

Rule 44 --- Do not ask us to pull over and "ask" us to inquire for directions. We will not do it, unless we are alone, even then we will not tell you.

Men never get lost. Fact.

Rule 47 -- If someone asks you for directions you have to give them some - even if you have to guess them.

[WebMonkey]

That is a fact.

48 : Men know everything. And what we dont know, we can draw.

[Rogue]

Originally posted by Balrog of Moria
ha...That rules

Rule 46: Leaving the toilet seat down it ok...We pay the bills, We own the F'n thing

*ahem* In my house, I pay the bills so bite a big 'en, Balrog. :p

[sabin26]

Damn I know I had a few goods one they pretty much were already used.

[WebMonkey]

49 : Ladies...never laugh at a naked man.

[sabin26]

Rule #50: Men do not start conversations while in the bathroom. Nor do you make conversation waiting in line for the bathroom.

[Tenafly Viper]

#51: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

[WebMonkey]

52# If a fellow man has been hurt by love, DONT lett him cry on your shoulder, get that man HORRIBLY DRUNK. It's part of the Male-Law.

[Tenafly Viper]

#53: Never allow a phone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary.

[IdahoMR2man]

*ring ring ring - picks up phone* Hel-*hangs up*

Rule 54: In bathrooms if there is more than two urinals, never go for the one in the middle. Always take the one farthest away from any potential peeers.

[Sparhawk]

Originally posted by IdahoMR2man

Rule 54: In bathrooms if there is more than two urinals, never go for the one in the middle. Always take the one farthest away from any potential peeers.

It never ceases to amaze me that this is NOT common knowledge.

WTF is with close-pissers? Didn't get enough hugs as kids so the wanna snuggle up @ the urinals?

[IdahoMR2man]

Rule 55 - If you fart while peeing in a public bathroom and someone else is in there, don't mention anything about it. There is nothing you can say that won't be uncomfortable for either party....

[Alien]

Originally posted by IdahoMR2man
Guys are stupid. We do dumb things. Like cheat on our girlfriends. Or sleep with a girl that we have no intention of talking to ever again. But we must NEVER EVER do something bad to a girl that is either a virgin or has only been with you. Because if you hurt that girl you've just shown her that all men are ***** and she'll never sleep with any of the rest of us. Thanks alot you buttpipe.Man you sound like a girl. Not all men cheat. Not all men sleep with a girl that we have no intention of talking to ever again... You atleast sleep with them twice.

[IdahoMR2man]

HA!!!!! That's pot calling the kettle black.

[Tenafly Viper]

Originally posted by IdahoMR2man
*ring ring ring - picks up phone* Hel-*hangs up*
LMFAO! :twisted:

#56: There are NO cameras allowed at a bachelor party.

[IdahoMR2man]

#57 If a women tells you she's twenty and looks 16, she's 12. If she tells you she's 26 and looks 26, she's damn near 40.

Also per Chris Rock.

[WebMonkey]

58# If a girl sits next to you in a bar and buys you a drink. Ethier she's a "Pro" or a drag queen.

[welty69]

rule 59 -- Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed about...unless you get caught.

[tedward]

Originally posted by WebMonkey
58# If a girl sits next to you in a bar and buys you a drink. Ethier she's a "Pro" or a drag queen.

thats what they should teach in 'sex ed' classes cos its invaulable and always true.

[WebMonkey]

60# If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whooping", then you may sit back and enjoy.

[tedward]

61# If some guy goes out with your girlfriend behind your back - your alowed to punch his face in without repercusions.

[WebMonkey]

Originally posted by tedward
61# If some guy goes out with your girlfriend behind your back - your alowed to punch his face in without repercusions.
THATS SO TRUE !!

[WebMonkey]

62# Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "F...OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility..

[Tardumb]

Originally posted by IdahoMR2man
Rule 55 - If you fart while peeing in a public bathroom and someone else is in there, don't mention anything about it. There is nothing you can say that won't be uncomfortable for either party....

lmao! so true...

[WebMonkey]

63# The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

[sonjablue]

Shouldn't all these rules be numbered one?

[WebMonkey]

Why?

[welty69]

Originally posted by WebMonkey
60# If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whooping", then you may sit back and enjoy.

:lol: That is the funniest one so far.....

[thebtskink]

64: Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

[JBond]

Originally posted by welty69
:lol: That is the funniest one so far.....

Too bad he didn't write it ;)

[IdahoMR2man]

65: Be wary of single men that have cats.

[tedward]

66: Smelt it dealt it.

[Tardumb]

67: If you're hit by a "doorknob" before you can call safety, no matter how many times you're hit and how long you've been pummeled, under no circumstances can you hit back.

[Iben]

Originally posted by Tardumb
67: If you're hit by a "doorknob" before you can call safety, no matter how many times you're hit and how long you've been pummeled, under no circumstances can you hit back. lol, I didn't know guys over there followed those rules too. :funny:

[Tardumb]

heh, and I thought it was a young american guys' game...:p

[Iben]

guess it's more of an universal game then ;)

[tedward]

Ive never heard of it.

[IdahoMR2man]

68: When in a public bathroom and a guy is whistling a tune, don't join in.

[Tardumb]

69: Nuff said.

[IdahoMR2man]

Ha!!!

[Tardumb]

70: It's not okay to laugh at a friend's joke just to be nice. If it sucks, make fun of him.

[IdahoMR2man]

71: It's entirely ok to sweep dirt under the fridge as long as you are a bachelor....and it's a nice fridge.