EnderDeschain
12-23-2008, 11:11 PM
One of the things I love most about this time of year, aside from the eggnog, is retrospective bull****. So I decided to make a list of all the horror stuff I've seen this year so I could post it. There is no logic behind this, other than I just love making stupid lists. I included straight-to-video crap. Some of these may not have technically come out this year, stuff like Teeth. But if the flick didn't have a wide theatrical release, and didn't come out on DVD 'til this year, then I consider it basically a 2008 straight-to-DVD release. Like if something played at a couple film festivals in 2007 but not most theaters, I included it.
I almost forgot, there are so many spoilers here that to black them out would take me entirely too much time. So SPOILER WARNING ALL THROUGHOUT THIS MUG!!!
13 Hours In A Warehouse – Reservoir Dogs meets The Ring. I don’t mean in tone or anything general like that, I mean this movie blatantly rips off Reservoir Dogs from the set-up to the dialogue to the direction. It doesn’t just have similarities, it is a ****in rip-off. The dudes holed up after a robbery, the “stop pointing that gun at my brother!” and “are you gonna crow all day, co*k, or are you gonna do something?” lines, it’s friggin shameless. And the ghosts have the flickery bad-TV-reception thing going on, the white dresses, bleh bleh The Ring bleh, just not done anywhere near as good or effectively. Throw a lot of 8mm, some Wolf Creek, a little Blair Witch, and even some Silence Of The Lambs, and it all adds up to pure crud. I did like the Robin Williams conversation, though.
Brutal Massacre – Pretty goddamn stupid. I was expecting something funny, and while a line or two inspired chuckling there wasn’t much very funny in this, or scary, or note-worthy at all except for how bad it was. This movie isn’t even really worth talking about.
Cloverfield – I thought it was ****in great. It used the first-person idea quite well, and although it wasn’t particularly scary it was an awesome flick anyway that kept my attention throughout the whole thing. Sure there was some dumb stuff like homedude going back after the chick, but mostly it was at least capably done. It had some great effects. My biggest complaint is the ending, which I thought was too long. After the chopper crashed there were about three different times that I thought it was over, but it kept going. Otherwise great flick.
Day Of The Dead – I watched this one shortly after it came out on DVD so it’s been a few months since I’ve since it, but I remember enough to know that it sucked. The zombies crawled on walls and ceilings. Read that sentence again. The zombies crawled on ****in walls and ceilings. If that doesn’t indicate to you what kind of a giant dickaroo this movie is, then nothing will. Ving Rhames is ashamed of himself right now, I’m sure, for being a part of this. Then again, he was in Striptease and Bringing Out The Dead, so he’s probably used to it. Sure Mena Suvari is nice to look at and all but she’s pretending to be a bad-ass soldier, which is pretty goddamn laughable and detracts from her hotness.
Diary Of The Dead – I made a rather long post about why this movie sucked in it’s review thread, and don’t really feel like trying to rehash it all or looking it up to copy and paste it. I will just say it sucked more than every other Romero movie combined, and considering Land and Dawn, that’s a lot of suck. The characters were stupid, the zombies were ridiculous, the effects were the worst thing since Night Of The Bloody Apes, and the social commentary was as subtle as an anal probe. And more painful.
Doomsday – What a piece of crap movie. First off, I can’t stand Bad Girl flicks. I mean I can’t ****ing stand them, they disgust me to such a degree that they’re almost unwatchable. Some dainty little ***** running around kicking ass is not just unrealistic, it’s irresponsible and stupid. So that’s a major strike for this movie. But even that besides, it’s just all over the place, and not in a good way. The initial premise is actually kind of interesting and might have worked if handled differently, but once the stupid whore and her team go out into the city it quickly falls apart completely. There are okay moments of gore, like a dude getting his head blown off point blank by a shotgun and an exploding bunny rabbit, but they’re few enough that they hardly even count. The sole bright spot in the movie is when Sol comes out to address his followers, with “Good Thing” playing as they prepare for a gross and particularly gory cannibal feast. That was cool. But while one half of the flick seems lifted straight from Road Warrior (including the shamelessly derivative car chase at the end), there are also bits from Robin Hood Prince Of Thieves and 28 Days Later. And they all add up to ****.
The Eye – There’s really nothing even worth saying about this puke pile.
Frontier(s) – I’d read some good things online about this flick before I decided to buy it, and had some pretty high hopes. It started out like your basic Hostel ripoff and, well, pretty much continued like your basic Hostel ripoff. There were a couple of cringe-worthy moments, but they were lifted straight from others like Texas Chainsaw and Saw and the aforementioned Hostel. This flick really had nothing to offer.
The Happening – I held out hope for M. Night even after everybody else started bashing him. I dug The Village and actually thought Lady In The Water wasn’t bad if you’re expecting a fantasy movie that’s not like his others. Going into this one I thought hey, it’s Mark Wahlberg, it’s got John Leguizamo, the trailers looked creepy and intriguing as hell, how bad can it be? And then I found out. It’s not just the super-stupid killer trees crap that ruins it, it’s friggin everything. The writing is bad, the acting is bad, the characters are horrible, it’s just unbelievably *****tacular, especially considering it’s from the same dude who gave us Unbreakable.
Hellboy 2 – I’m stretching the definition of horror here, but while the Hellboy flicks are mostly fantasy they certainly have elements of horror in them. Like the whole Angel of Death scene in this one which, even though it seemed forced and unnecessary, was actually kinda effective anyway. But stuff like the Market scene and the big rock doorway dude and other things just superfluously jammed in the flick pretty much killed it, for me. Plus the opening. God, what the **** was Del Toro thinking on that one?
Hell Ride – I really thought this was gonna be bad-ass. No it ain’t horror but I’m throwing it in here anyway just ‘cuz I suspected it would have elements, like some gruesome **** and some cool stuff. I was wrong. It sucked. I remember thinking about halfway through the movie that it would be greatly benefited by having someone else in the lead role, the dude playing Pistolero just sucked. The role was too important and the character was supposed to be too cool to be played by some no-name that couldn’t really hang with the better names around him. Then at the credits I found out why, it was Larry Bishop, the guy who wrote and directed it. Figures. Knowing that, the whole thing seems like one big ego-fest for him. I will say though that The Gent, played by Michael Madsen, had some killer moments that were awesome. So did Vinnie Jones. How such cool people got involved with this is beyond me, heck even Dennis Hopper and David Carradine are in it. This movie had the ingredients to be ****ing bad-ass, but the finished product was suck-ass.
Let The Right One In – Man, what a good ****in flick. This is another case where I avoided learning anything at all before seeing it, all I knew was it had something to do with vampires. So I went into it expecting a vampire movie. I was not at all expecting what turned out to be a captivating and sometimes touching sorta-love story about a 12-year-old boy and a 12-year-old girl (sorta), with some great vampire **** too. I especially dug the bit where the boy wants to see what happens if he doesn’t invite the vampire girl in. That was kind of freaky. There were some funny parts, a few parts that seemed almost feel-good, and at least one part I can think of that was truly unsettling (the boy’s dad’s friend). It had just about everything, and there’s so much going for it that it’s sort of difficult to even talk about. You just gotta see it to understand. This was an almost flawless movie.
Lost Boys: The Tribe – Pretty much a sacrilege. It should’ve been done with a bigger budget, a better director, and a better cast. And script. However comma, it did have its moments. There were some funny lines and some stuff that sort of half worked. The most glaring weakness for this flick was, to me, the final confrontation between main vampire and main dude, which seemed to go by in about thirty seconds. Anticlimactic. But the little bit that comes after that, after the credits start, the last part with Edgar Frog…I won’t say too much for those who haven’t seen it, but that little minute-or-so long segment made it worth watching. That was ****in awesome.
Midnight Meat Train – And here’s another one that I had high hopes for. It’s from Clive Barker and it has Vinnie Jones as a tenderizer-wielding mute serial killer, how much more could I ask for? It was mostly decent, and had some great moments, but a lot of said moments were marred by subpar special effects and some questionable directing. I was pleasantly surprised to see Rampage Jackson in it, though, playing a nutjob homeless dude who gives Vinnie a hell of a fight. That was cool. The ending is far-out but with a Barker flick you gotta know that’s coming. It wasn’t that that bothered me, it was just that the movie felt underwhelming all throughout. Maybe my expectations were too high.
My Name Is Bruce – “Well, hello. Consider yourself officially exempt from my wrath, sweetcakes, and if you’re lucky a little later I’ll let you play with my boomstick.” Only one word can describe this movie: totally ****ing awesome. It should go without saying that you have to be a Bruce Campbell fan to dig this flick, and if you’re one of the handful of people who didn’t like Army Of Darkness then you’ll absolutely hate this. A lot of it seems directly lifted from AOD but that isn’t really a bad thing. Bruce as himself is four times the ******* that Ash was, four times the blowhard and the coward, and four times as ****in cool. He spits one-liners all throughout and hams it up with his usual gusto, and it’s sometimes amazing how much he favors Clint Eastwood, in not just his looks but some of his mannerisms. As for the “plot,” yeah, it’s really irrelevant. The demon thing is ridiculous looking but it seems like they did that on purpose, I think most of their effects-type effort went into the many beheadings. It’s pretty obvious what this movie’s sole leg to stand on is, and you’re either gonna love it or hate it. But how anyone could hate Campbell’s awesome B-acting is completely beyond me. There are a ton of great little moments throughout this thing, like the “rawhide” bit and Bruce’s alcohol hunt and his fleeing the scene when he first encounters the demon thing. There were parts that had me rolling with laughter. Totally ****ing awesome, I says.
Prom Night – See my comments on The Eye.
The Ruins – I don’t understand why people don’t like this movie. I thought it had some good atmosphere and a great build-up. M. Night should take note, this is how a killer plant movie should be done. There were a few surprising moments like when the Greek gets arrowed then shot at the beginning, and when the blond chick stabs homedude toward the end. But my favorite moment by far was when we realized what the ringing of the cell phone really was. I found that to be a little creepy and kind of wigtastic. Most of the people I’ve talked to said “bleh, it’s stupid, killer plants how lame” but I thought it was pretty original and inventive. I didn’t know going into it that that was what it was going to end up being about, so I was led into it along with the characters in the flick. It may have worked better for me than most because a lot of folks knew about the plants thing before they saw it.
Saw 5 – Well it’s a Saw movie, so you pretty much know going into it what you’re gonna get. This one was better than four, at least. There was a lot of explaining about how Detective Hoffman fits in, and even though quite a bit of it felt forced it at least cleared up some of the disappointment from the end of four. I liked how the bit with all the strangers in the house or whatever ended up. I enjoyed seeing Jigsaw and think Tobin Bell is still the best thing about this series, but if they go on too much longer with these goddamn flashbacks it’s going to get annoying, whether he’s in them or not. If they’re gonna insist on continuing (which clearly they are), they should just cut the bull**** and do a straight-up prequel. It would probably be better than this one, and definitely better than four.
The Scorpion King 2 – Okay, now I’m really stretching the definition of horror. I will freely admit that the only reason I bothered watching this was to see if Randy Couture could act or not, and was pleasantly surprised to find that he can. He filled the role of Bad Sorcerer Dude quite capably, and even though there were moments where he came off a little stiff he was great for the most part. However comma, the rest of the movie was utter ****. No budget, horrible effects, horrible actors (except Randy), horrible story and writing, it all sucked. But watching Couture crank an armbar until bones crunched, and take his hands-up fighting stance that I’m used to seeing him take in the octagon, made it worth it.
Splinter – Surprise, a genuine monster movie. You don’t see those much anymore. This was pretty goddamn good, despite the fact that it owes a lot to stuff like The Thing and a few others. It feels fresh, though, and the characters and set-up are good enough that it rises above its familiar ingredients. I liked the foul-mouthed white trash dude who says **** every other word. The acting was good, and the flick moves along at a brisk enough pace that it never feels slow. My big complaint about it is the camera work, that same herky jerky **** that ruined some of the fights scenes in Bourne Supremacy, but even worse. There are points where I literally had no idea what the **** I was supposed to be looking at. It’s a shame because for the most part it looks like the effects might have been decent, if the goddamn camera had held still long enough to see them. What we do see is pretty cool. Also, I have to wonder about the science of homedude’s little body temperature stunt, and good lord that other guy sure did handle getting his arm cut off with a razor blade rather well. But those are minor complaints, easily overlooked in what was, to me, a wonderfully authentic horror movie.
Teeth – I figured I was gonna hate this movie. I figured it would be chock full of just the type of girl-power horse**** that I truly despise out of Hollywood. Plus I’d heard it referred to as “hilariously horrifying” or some such ****, and to me the idea of dudes getting their junk mutilated isn’t particularly funny. Once I started watching it, though, I was pleasantly surprised. It actually was funny, but at the same time disturbing. But I wouldn’t go so far as to call it hilarious. When it really started getting good, to me, was after chick cuts off the gynecologist’s fingers and looks up vagina dentata on the internets and reads the crap about a hero having to conquer her. Then the sorta-date-rape guy gets his dick bit off, which was actually funny and discomforting to watch, and by that point I was thinking something unexpected might happen. The little hints involving her step-brother and him telling the dad that he loved her, initially stopping her when she came on to him, I thought it was about to transcend into something other than the blunt-force women’s empowerment ****. Then she eats homedude’s pecker, and that’s pretty much the end of the movie. Wha? That’s really it? I wasn’t expecting much going into it, but for a moment it made me expect more, which made it all the more disappointing when it turned out to be just a one-trick pony. The power of women’s sexuality and blah blah blah, the movie should’ve never got my hopes up that it would be something more.
Trailer Park Of Terror – Great flick. The first ten or so minutes were actually quite cool, completely awesome stuff. It gets very ridiculous after that and becomes one of those horribly good movies that’s so hammy and stupid and over-the-top that you gotta love it. It had some really awesome moments involving the dude with the guitar, especially once he takes to the rooftop and starts jamming. There was some good music in this. The crash-up derby scene, the dumb high bi*ch who gets her arm chopped off, there were delicious little moments like those scattered throughout that made me grin. It’s a popcorn horror flick that kind of feels like a throwback, and I loved it.
The X-Files: I Want To Believe – I never watched the TV show or the first movie and so didn’t know much of **** about the characters going into this, but I didn’t figure I’d have to. I was mostly right. The story and people in it played out well enough without being confusing to an X-virgin like me. That being said, I wasn’t very impressed with this flick. It seemed kind of slow and meandering, and never really grabbed my attention all that much. The whole thing with the head transplant and stuff at the end was kinda cool, but the rest of the movie didn’t really have much to offer, I didn’t think. It was mostly just bleh.
I almost forgot, there are so many spoilers here that to black them out would take me entirely too much time. So SPOILER WARNING ALL THROUGHOUT THIS MUG!!!
13 Hours In A Warehouse – Reservoir Dogs meets The Ring. I don’t mean in tone or anything general like that, I mean this movie blatantly rips off Reservoir Dogs from the set-up to the dialogue to the direction. It doesn’t just have similarities, it is a ****in rip-off. The dudes holed up after a robbery, the “stop pointing that gun at my brother!” and “are you gonna crow all day, co*k, or are you gonna do something?” lines, it’s friggin shameless. And the ghosts have the flickery bad-TV-reception thing going on, the white dresses, bleh bleh The Ring bleh, just not done anywhere near as good or effectively. Throw a lot of 8mm, some Wolf Creek, a little Blair Witch, and even some Silence Of The Lambs, and it all adds up to pure crud. I did like the Robin Williams conversation, though.
Brutal Massacre – Pretty goddamn stupid. I was expecting something funny, and while a line or two inspired chuckling there wasn’t much very funny in this, or scary, or note-worthy at all except for how bad it was. This movie isn’t even really worth talking about.
Cloverfield – I thought it was ****in great. It used the first-person idea quite well, and although it wasn’t particularly scary it was an awesome flick anyway that kept my attention throughout the whole thing. Sure there was some dumb stuff like homedude going back after the chick, but mostly it was at least capably done. It had some great effects. My biggest complaint is the ending, which I thought was too long. After the chopper crashed there were about three different times that I thought it was over, but it kept going. Otherwise great flick.
Day Of The Dead – I watched this one shortly after it came out on DVD so it’s been a few months since I’ve since it, but I remember enough to know that it sucked. The zombies crawled on walls and ceilings. Read that sentence again. The zombies crawled on ****in walls and ceilings. If that doesn’t indicate to you what kind of a giant dickaroo this movie is, then nothing will. Ving Rhames is ashamed of himself right now, I’m sure, for being a part of this. Then again, he was in Striptease and Bringing Out The Dead, so he’s probably used to it. Sure Mena Suvari is nice to look at and all but she’s pretending to be a bad-ass soldier, which is pretty goddamn laughable and detracts from her hotness.
Diary Of The Dead – I made a rather long post about why this movie sucked in it’s review thread, and don’t really feel like trying to rehash it all or looking it up to copy and paste it. I will just say it sucked more than every other Romero movie combined, and considering Land and Dawn, that’s a lot of suck. The characters were stupid, the zombies were ridiculous, the effects were the worst thing since Night Of The Bloody Apes, and the social commentary was as subtle as an anal probe. And more painful.
Doomsday – What a piece of crap movie. First off, I can’t stand Bad Girl flicks. I mean I can’t ****ing stand them, they disgust me to such a degree that they’re almost unwatchable. Some dainty little ***** running around kicking ass is not just unrealistic, it’s irresponsible and stupid. So that’s a major strike for this movie. But even that besides, it’s just all over the place, and not in a good way. The initial premise is actually kind of interesting and might have worked if handled differently, but once the stupid whore and her team go out into the city it quickly falls apart completely. There are okay moments of gore, like a dude getting his head blown off point blank by a shotgun and an exploding bunny rabbit, but they’re few enough that they hardly even count. The sole bright spot in the movie is when Sol comes out to address his followers, with “Good Thing” playing as they prepare for a gross and particularly gory cannibal feast. That was cool. But while one half of the flick seems lifted straight from Road Warrior (including the shamelessly derivative car chase at the end), there are also bits from Robin Hood Prince Of Thieves and 28 Days Later. And they all add up to ****.
The Eye – There’s really nothing even worth saying about this puke pile.
Frontier(s) – I’d read some good things online about this flick before I decided to buy it, and had some pretty high hopes. It started out like your basic Hostel ripoff and, well, pretty much continued like your basic Hostel ripoff. There were a couple of cringe-worthy moments, but they were lifted straight from others like Texas Chainsaw and Saw and the aforementioned Hostel. This flick really had nothing to offer.
The Happening – I held out hope for M. Night even after everybody else started bashing him. I dug The Village and actually thought Lady In The Water wasn’t bad if you’re expecting a fantasy movie that’s not like his others. Going into this one I thought hey, it’s Mark Wahlberg, it’s got John Leguizamo, the trailers looked creepy and intriguing as hell, how bad can it be? And then I found out. It’s not just the super-stupid killer trees crap that ruins it, it’s friggin everything. The writing is bad, the acting is bad, the characters are horrible, it’s just unbelievably *****tacular, especially considering it’s from the same dude who gave us Unbreakable.
Hellboy 2 – I’m stretching the definition of horror here, but while the Hellboy flicks are mostly fantasy they certainly have elements of horror in them. Like the whole Angel of Death scene in this one which, even though it seemed forced and unnecessary, was actually kinda effective anyway. But stuff like the Market scene and the big rock doorway dude and other things just superfluously jammed in the flick pretty much killed it, for me. Plus the opening. God, what the **** was Del Toro thinking on that one?
Hell Ride – I really thought this was gonna be bad-ass. No it ain’t horror but I’m throwing it in here anyway just ‘cuz I suspected it would have elements, like some gruesome **** and some cool stuff. I was wrong. It sucked. I remember thinking about halfway through the movie that it would be greatly benefited by having someone else in the lead role, the dude playing Pistolero just sucked. The role was too important and the character was supposed to be too cool to be played by some no-name that couldn’t really hang with the better names around him. Then at the credits I found out why, it was Larry Bishop, the guy who wrote and directed it. Figures. Knowing that, the whole thing seems like one big ego-fest for him. I will say though that The Gent, played by Michael Madsen, had some killer moments that were awesome. So did Vinnie Jones. How such cool people got involved with this is beyond me, heck even Dennis Hopper and David Carradine are in it. This movie had the ingredients to be ****ing bad-ass, but the finished product was suck-ass.
Let The Right One In – Man, what a good ****in flick. This is another case where I avoided learning anything at all before seeing it, all I knew was it had something to do with vampires. So I went into it expecting a vampire movie. I was not at all expecting what turned out to be a captivating and sometimes touching sorta-love story about a 12-year-old boy and a 12-year-old girl (sorta), with some great vampire **** too. I especially dug the bit where the boy wants to see what happens if he doesn’t invite the vampire girl in. That was kind of freaky. There were some funny parts, a few parts that seemed almost feel-good, and at least one part I can think of that was truly unsettling (the boy’s dad’s friend). It had just about everything, and there’s so much going for it that it’s sort of difficult to even talk about. You just gotta see it to understand. This was an almost flawless movie.
Lost Boys: The Tribe – Pretty much a sacrilege. It should’ve been done with a bigger budget, a better director, and a better cast. And script. However comma, it did have its moments. There were some funny lines and some stuff that sort of half worked. The most glaring weakness for this flick was, to me, the final confrontation between main vampire and main dude, which seemed to go by in about thirty seconds. Anticlimactic. But the little bit that comes after that, after the credits start, the last part with Edgar Frog…I won’t say too much for those who haven’t seen it, but that little minute-or-so long segment made it worth watching. That was ****in awesome.
Midnight Meat Train – And here’s another one that I had high hopes for. It’s from Clive Barker and it has Vinnie Jones as a tenderizer-wielding mute serial killer, how much more could I ask for? It was mostly decent, and had some great moments, but a lot of said moments were marred by subpar special effects and some questionable directing. I was pleasantly surprised to see Rampage Jackson in it, though, playing a nutjob homeless dude who gives Vinnie a hell of a fight. That was cool. The ending is far-out but with a Barker flick you gotta know that’s coming. It wasn’t that that bothered me, it was just that the movie felt underwhelming all throughout. Maybe my expectations were too high.
My Name Is Bruce – “Well, hello. Consider yourself officially exempt from my wrath, sweetcakes, and if you’re lucky a little later I’ll let you play with my boomstick.” Only one word can describe this movie: totally ****ing awesome. It should go without saying that you have to be a Bruce Campbell fan to dig this flick, and if you’re one of the handful of people who didn’t like Army Of Darkness then you’ll absolutely hate this. A lot of it seems directly lifted from AOD but that isn’t really a bad thing. Bruce as himself is four times the ******* that Ash was, four times the blowhard and the coward, and four times as ****in cool. He spits one-liners all throughout and hams it up with his usual gusto, and it’s sometimes amazing how much he favors Clint Eastwood, in not just his looks but some of his mannerisms. As for the “plot,” yeah, it’s really irrelevant. The demon thing is ridiculous looking but it seems like they did that on purpose, I think most of their effects-type effort went into the many beheadings. It’s pretty obvious what this movie’s sole leg to stand on is, and you’re either gonna love it or hate it. But how anyone could hate Campbell’s awesome B-acting is completely beyond me. There are a ton of great little moments throughout this thing, like the “rawhide” bit and Bruce’s alcohol hunt and his fleeing the scene when he first encounters the demon thing. There were parts that had me rolling with laughter. Totally ****ing awesome, I says.
Prom Night – See my comments on The Eye.
The Ruins – I don’t understand why people don’t like this movie. I thought it had some good atmosphere and a great build-up. M. Night should take note, this is how a killer plant movie should be done. There were a few surprising moments like when the Greek gets arrowed then shot at the beginning, and when the blond chick stabs homedude toward the end. But my favorite moment by far was when we realized what the ringing of the cell phone really was. I found that to be a little creepy and kind of wigtastic. Most of the people I’ve talked to said “bleh, it’s stupid, killer plants how lame” but I thought it was pretty original and inventive. I didn’t know going into it that that was what it was going to end up being about, so I was led into it along with the characters in the flick. It may have worked better for me than most because a lot of folks knew about the plants thing before they saw it.
Saw 5 – Well it’s a Saw movie, so you pretty much know going into it what you’re gonna get. This one was better than four, at least. There was a lot of explaining about how Detective Hoffman fits in, and even though quite a bit of it felt forced it at least cleared up some of the disappointment from the end of four. I liked how the bit with all the strangers in the house or whatever ended up. I enjoyed seeing Jigsaw and think Tobin Bell is still the best thing about this series, but if they go on too much longer with these goddamn flashbacks it’s going to get annoying, whether he’s in them or not. If they’re gonna insist on continuing (which clearly they are), they should just cut the bull**** and do a straight-up prequel. It would probably be better than this one, and definitely better than four.
The Scorpion King 2 – Okay, now I’m really stretching the definition of horror. I will freely admit that the only reason I bothered watching this was to see if Randy Couture could act or not, and was pleasantly surprised to find that he can. He filled the role of Bad Sorcerer Dude quite capably, and even though there were moments where he came off a little stiff he was great for the most part. However comma, the rest of the movie was utter ****. No budget, horrible effects, horrible actors (except Randy), horrible story and writing, it all sucked. But watching Couture crank an armbar until bones crunched, and take his hands-up fighting stance that I’m used to seeing him take in the octagon, made it worth it.
Splinter – Surprise, a genuine monster movie. You don’t see those much anymore. This was pretty goddamn good, despite the fact that it owes a lot to stuff like The Thing and a few others. It feels fresh, though, and the characters and set-up are good enough that it rises above its familiar ingredients. I liked the foul-mouthed white trash dude who says **** every other word. The acting was good, and the flick moves along at a brisk enough pace that it never feels slow. My big complaint about it is the camera work, that same herky jerky **** that ruined some of the fights scenes in Bourne Supremacy, but even worse. There are points where I literally had no idea what the **** I was supposed to be looking at. It’s a shame because for the most part it looks like the effects might have been decent, if the goddamn camera had held still long enough to see them. What we do see is pretty cool. Also, I have to wonder about the science of homedude’s little body temperature stunt, and good lord that other guy sure did handle getting his arm cut off with a razor blade rather well. But those are minor complaints, easily overlooked in what was, to me, a wonderfully authentic horror movie.
Teeth – I figured I was gonna hate this movie. I figured it would be chock full of just the type of girl-power horse**** that I truly despise out of Hollywood. Plus I’d heard it referred to as “hilariously horrifying” or some such ****, and to me the idea of dudes getting their junk mutilated isn’t particularly funny. Once I started watching it, though, I was pleasantly surprised. It actually was funny, but at the same time disturbing. But I wouldn’t go so far as to call it hilarious. When it really started getting good, to me, was after chick cuts off the gynecologist’s fingers and looks up vagina dentata on the internets and reads the crap about a hero having to conquer her. Then the sorta-date-rape guy gets his dick bit off, which was actually funny and discomforting to watch, and by that point I was thinking something unexpected might happen. The little hints involving her step-brother and him telling the dad that he loved her, initially stopping her when she came on to him, I thought it was about to transcend into something other than the blunt-force women’s empowerment ****. Then she eats homedude’s pecker, and that’s pretty much the end of the movie. Wha? That’s really it? I wasn’t expecting much going into it, but for a moment it made me expect more, which made it all the more disappointing when it turned out to be just a one-trick pony. The power of women’s sexuality and blah blah blah, the movie should’ve never got my hopes up that it would be something more.
Trailer Park Of Terror – Great flick. The first ten or so minutes were actually quite cool, completely awesome stuff. It gets very ridiculous after that and becomes one of those horribly good movies that’s so hammy and stupid and over-the-top that you gotta love it. It had some really awesome moments involving the dude with the guitar, especially once he takes to the rooftop and starts jamming. There was some good music in this. The crash-up derby scene, the dumb high bi*ch who gets her arm chopped off, there were delicious little moments like those scattered throughout that made me grin. It’s a popcorn horror flick that kind of feels like a throwback, and I loved it.
The X-Files: I Want To Believe – I never watched the TV show or the first movie and so didn’t know much of **** about the characters going into this, but I didn’t figure I’d have to. I was mostly right. The story and people in it played out well enough without being confusing to an X-virgin like me. That being said, I wasn’t very impressed with this flick. It seemed kind of slow and meandering, and never really grabbed my attention all that much. The whole thing with the head transplant and stuff at the end was kinda cool, but the rest of the movie didn’t really have much to offer, I didn’t think. It was mostly just bleh.