Psychologist Bob

[JBond]

I thought I would post a few skits I made years ago (and posted here) that centered around a character obviously named "Psychologist Bob". I made a few changes since alot of it seemed stupid to me now...maybe all of it still is, let me know. I wrote 4 of them, here's the first one. This one isn't my favorite.

Bob: Hi, my name is Bob. How 'bout you take a seat and tell me your story.
Frank: Well, I’ve been feeling a little down recently. Thought it would help to make an appointment with a psychologist.
Bob: Clearly. How was your day?
Frank: My day was alright today, I went out to get the mail-
Bob: Did you go outside naked or anything like that?
Frank: Nooo...just got the mail. Later, I had breakfast and walked to my car-
Bob: Did you do anything obscene on the way to your car? Perhaps peeing in the neighbors lawn, anything that could be qualified as.. “looney”
Frank: God no, I’m a pretty normal guy...is that alright with you? I’ve just had a few problems recently, I was getting to them. Anyways, I was driving my Ford Taurus to work-

*Bob quickly writes something down in his notepad while shaking his head*

Frank: …and I was listening to-
Bob: Voices in your head?
Frank: NO!! I was listening to the radio! Christ! What is WRONG with you!? Not everyone is crazy!
Bob: Wow, you seem to have some deep emotional problems. Tell me, were you a little brat when you were younger, as well?
Frank: AHHHH!!

*Frank leaps across the room and tries to strangle Bob*

Bob: Security, SECURITY!

*Security rushes in*

Bob: Get this crazy freak off me!! AHHHHHH!

*Security drags the wild-eyed Frank off of Psychologist Bob and out the door*

Frank: I’ll get you for this! I’LL GET YOU!

Bob: Another monkey back into the cage…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

“Come see Psychologist Bob for all your problems, I’ll pay 20 dollars for the first session. After that, only $50 per session.

Think you don’t have any problems? Come visit, and we’ll see."

555-2854 to make an appointment

"And remember, Bob needs the mucha moola!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

[JBond]

Bob: Welcome, would you like a seat?

*Ben takes a seat*

Bob: It says here in your file that you were arrested 3 weeks ago...do you want to talk about it?
Ben: It was a mistake, I did nothing!
Bob: Nothing? It says you set fire to a donut shop...was this...made up? *Bob chuckles*
Ben: Yeah, I’ve never even gone into a donut shop, I’m allergic to donuts. I don’t know what donuts are.
Bob: Uh huh...why do you think they’d arrest you then?
Ben: I uh...don’t know, they’re crazy. I’ve never done anything wrong in my life!
Bob: Hmm.....also says in your file you’re a compulsive liar. Are you, a compulsive liar?
Ben: No.
Bob: How do I know you didn’t just lie there?
Ben: I didn’t.....heh heh...
Bob: Is that a lighter in your hand?
Ben: *nervously looks around* Noooo.....

*Ben jumps over to Bob and furiously flicks the lighter under his sleeve*

*click* *click* *click* *click*

Bob: Something wrong?

*Ben grabs two rocks out of his pocket and begins beating them against each other next to his shirt*

Ben: Nooooo, spark, SPAAAARK!!
Bob: Tell me about your mother.

*Ben finally stops trying and sighs*

Bob: I think we made some progress today! But your time is up, we should meet again.

*Hands him a card. Ben takes it and leaves with a twitch in his eye*

Bob: Hmmm.

*Bob adds “Pyromaniac” to chart*

Secretary on speaker: Sir, your BMW is on fire.
Bob: Odd....it wasn’t on fire when I got here... Must be that lunatic, Frank.

*Explosion is heard from outside followed by high pitched laughter*

Secretary on speaker: Sir, your BMW just-
Bob: Yeah I got it.

[JBond]

(This one is my favorite)

Bob: Ms. Pondwater, send in Mr. Chuckles

*A guy in ripped clothes and with freaky hair almost gets in but stops and stares at the door for about 5 seconds then proceeds to gnaw on the side of the door*

Bob: I know how you feel, I never get a chance to get a bite myself. Take a seat.

*Mr. Chuckles walks to the seat and picks it up and tries put it in his pocket*

Bob: HAHAHAHA!! I love a guy with a sense of humor!

*Mr. Chuckles drops the chair and sits on the floor and takes his shoes and socks off*

Bob: Good, make yourself comfortable. Now Mr. Chuckles...can I call you by your first name?
Mr. Chuckles: My servants of the devil call me Psycho.
Bob: Wonderful. Now Psycho, would you say you’ve been having any problems at home?
Psycho: My parents....they grounded me for hamster remnant possession again.....I deep fried them.
Bob: Ok, so they let you know how they felt and you conveyed your thoughts back. That’s good, very healthy. How’s school going for ya?
Psycho: I don’t go to school, not since....the day. Now...I teach myself all I need to know from magazines....Bombs R Us...Guns Almanac....Mad Magazine.
Bob: Well I suppose self-dependency is very important, that’s good....can’t even begin to understand why the Feds would have sent you to me...

*Psycho tries to cut his foot off with the edge of his hand*

Psycho: I am the lord of my underpants, I am the lord of my underpants, I am the lord of my underpants...
Bob: Hehe, you can be the lord of anything thing you want, just don’t forget us little people, alright?! Haha, I like you. I don’t think you need any help, you got everything figured out! Would you be interested in helping me as an assistant? I need someone to comfort crash victims, they are in very frail states and they could use someone of your caliber to bring them through this hard time. Would you be interested?
Psycho: Can I eat them? I must get to eat them.
Bob: Sure, you’ll get to meet them and talk to them for hours at a time. Here’s my card, call me for available times.

*Psycho takes the card and drops it into his pants and begins to leave*

Bob: Oh one more thing, the streets are dangerous out there, you need protection. Here, take my gun, we can’t have people bringing any danger to you! That aught to keep them away.

*Psycho takes the gun, smiles, and leaves*

Bob: What a guy...
Ms. Pondwater: Sir, someone is shooting at your Cadillac.
Bob: God dammit, get me Frank's number, he’s at it again.

[Kitty]

love it Jibbs :funny:

[halo7]

Lol. Funny. :D

[Frizzo the Clown]

So, who is this "Ben" character based off of? ;)

[HeadHunter]

I like the ben one best :D

[cg124]

:funny:

awsome stuff jibbs

[JBond]

So, who is this "Ben" character based off of? ;)

That's what you said last time. ;)

[Frizzo the Clown]

That's what you said last time. ;)
Haha..did I? This is funny stuff. No one seems to write stuff like this anymore. I miss it. This was always one of the best parts of coming here....reading fan fics like that. I remember how excited I was when I was included as a minor character in one of yours. ;)

[JBond]

It's too bad it went away, too many people are concerned with writing the first movie they think of in threads now.

[Frizzo the Clown]

Yeah. Its a real pity. I can't write these things, or else I would, but this is a tragedy that no one writes stuff like this anymore. I wish some of the newer posters would take more of an interest in this sorta thing.

[JBond]

(Well, here's the fourth one I wrote. After this I'll have to actually write new ones. ;))

Bob: Uh huh, I think you’re problem is you’re in denial.
Karl: I am NOT in denial

*Bob quickly writes something in his notepad*

Karl: *sigh*
Bob: Ok, I’m going to show you some ink blots pictures or…”Rorschach’s” as we smart people call them, and I want you to tell me what you see.

*Bob hands one to Karl*

Karl: Hmmmm, I see a rabbit next to a tree.
Bob: *checks the back of the ink blot picture* No, I’m sorry that’s wrong, it’s a woman on a bridge and a small town in the distance, next one.
Karl: Wrong? I thought I was suppose to free associate!
Bob: Well…yeah, but there was just no way that was a rabbit, I’m sorry! Heh heh heh!

*Hands him another one*

Karl: ...I see a man fishing with his child.
Bob: *turns his head to look at the ink blot* ...on this one? ...right here?!

*grabs the ink blot from him*

Bob: It’s a car! A CAR! Where do you get a man fishing out of this? *shakes his head smiling and then gets very serious* ...I think we should meet again.

*Bob hands Karl his card*

Karl: *leaves grumbling quietly* You’re the one that needs therapy...
Bob: So long!

[Diablo]

Yeah. Its a real pity. I can't write these things, or else I would, but this is a tragedy that no one writes stuff like this anymore. I wish some of the newer posters would take more of an interest in this sorta thing.


I can start a new one.. although people would want me to finish Hunter a CS tale first and maybe D&I 4.. heh.

Great Stuff Jibbs :)

[JBond]

(Ok, here's a new one)

Bob: On top of spa-gheeeeeeetti, all covered with-
Ms. Pondwater: Sir, your 4:00 is here.

*Bob checks his watch and it’s 4:00*

Bob: Well that’s just crazy.

*A very beautiful woman walks in and takes a seat*

Bob: Well…hello, what’s your name?
Mandy: Mandy.
Bob: Splendid, my name is Robert. What seems to be bothering you?
Mandy: Well, I think my husband is cheating on me.
Bob: Oh, he is.
Mandy: What??
Bob: Yep, he told me. So, are you seeing anyone now?
Mandy: You’ve met my husband?
Bob: Yeah, we bowl.
Mandy: My husband doesn’t bowl.
Bob: Sure he does *Bob counts out on his fingers*: Man, tall, old, bowling, adultery. It’s him.

*Mandy awkwardly looks around for a second*

Mandy: So…anyway, he’s been coming back late almost every day, we don’t talk much anymore.
Bob: You have such pretty eyes…may I touch them?
Mandy: This isn’t going to work if you don’t listen to anything I say and continue to hit on me.
Bob: No?
Mandy: No. Unless you just want to prescribe me drugs, I think we should move on.
Bob: Oh I can’t prescribe drugs.
Mandy: I thought doctors can prescribe drugs.
Bob: Oh I’m not a doctor.
Mandy: Not a doctor? So all you do is listen and give advice?
Bob: Whoa, whoa, whoa…I’m in no place to give advice!
Mandy: How much is this visit costing me?
Bob: 80 dollars.

*Mandy gets up to leave*

Bob: Where are you going? We still have 55 minutes left.
Mandy: I’m not going to come here anymore, I’m going to spend my Tuesdays telling my problems to my cat. He doesn’t irritate me, charge me money, and he has a higher education than you.

*Mandy walks out and Bob smiles*

Bob: Sheeee’ll be back.

[Diablo]

:lol:

Nice

[Frizzo the Clown]

Haha! Good one. :lol:

[halo7]

Good Job! haha.

[cool_chik]

(This one is my favorite)

Bob: Ms. Pondwater, send in Mr. Chuckles

*A guy in ripped clothes and with freaky hair almost gets in but stops and stares at the door for about 5 seconds then proceeds to gnaw on the side of the door*

Bob: I know how you feel, I never get a chance to get a bite myself. Take a seat.

*Mr. Chuckles walks to the seat and picks it up and tries put it in his pocket*

Bob: HAHAHAHA!! I love a guy with a sense of humor!

*Mr. Chuckles drops the chair and sits on the floor and takes his shoes and socks off*

Bob: Good, make yourself comfortable. Now Mr. Chuckles...can I call you by your first name?
Mr. Chuckles: My servants of the devil call me Psycho.
Bob: Wonderful. Now Psycho, would you say you’ve been having any problems at home?
Psycho: My parents....they grounded me for hamster remnant possession again.....I deep fried them.
Bob: Ok, so they let you know how they felt and you conveyed your thoughts back. That’s good, very healthy. How’s school going for ya?
Psycho: I don’t go to school, not since....the day. Now...I teach myself all I need to know from magazines....Bombs R Us...Guns Almanac....Mad Magazine.
Bob: Well I suppose self-dependency is very important, that’s good....can’t even begin to understand why the Feds would have sent you to me...

*Psycho tries to cut his foot off with the edge of his hand*

Psycho: I am the lord of my underpants, I am the lord of my underpants, I am the lord of my underpants...
Bob: Hehe, you can be the lord of anything thing you want, just don’t forget us little people, alright?! Haha, I like you. I don’t think you need any help, you got everything figured out! Would you be interested in helping me as an assistant? I need someone to comfort crash victims, they are in very frail states and they could use someone of your caliber to bring them through this hard time. Would you be interested?
Psycho: Can I eat them? I must get to eat them.
Bob: Sure, you’ll get to meet them and talk to them for hours at a time. Here’s my card, call me for available times.

*Psycho takes the card and drops it into his pants and begins to leave*

Bob: Oh one more thing, the streets are dangerous out there, you need protection. Here, take my gun, we can’t have people bringing any danger to you! That aught to keep them away.

*Psycho takes the gun, smiles, and leaves*

Bob: What a guy...
Ms. Pondwater: Sir, someone is shooting at your Cadillac.
Bob: God dammit, get me Frank's number, he’s at it again.


hahahaha i lmao when i read this!

[cool_chik]

Hahahaha that last one is funny too!

[JBond]

Bob: Mrs. Frecklespawn, would you send in my next patient?

*A man of about 35 walks through the door*

Bob: Take a seat Mr...*checks a a piece of paper* Buckeye.
George: That's my address.
Bob: Of course it is! That's where you live! On...heh, Buckeye... Why don't you take a seat and tell me what brings you here today?

George: It's so many things. My parents died when I was 6, so I've never had it easy. I got kicked out of foster homes and schools for starting fights, yelling at teachers and letting out animals on occasion. I've never been able to hold a steady job or relationship, and I'm manic-depressive.
Bob: Wow, you've come to the right place...*checks chart*, George. I think I can help you.

*Bob stands up and goes to his bookshelf and pulls one of the books out. On the cover it says "Manic-depression." He opens it.

Bob: I can help you with your manic-depression, or as it's sometimes called......."Bi-polar disease".
George: What is that you have there? Is that a book on social disorders?!
Bob: No...it's a book on YOUR disorder.

*George gets up*

George: I don't think I want to see somebody who has to look up "manic-depression" in a book!!
Bob: Whoooooa! I think somebody's getting a little depressive!

*George storms out of the room. Bob watches him leave, sighs, and looks back into the book*

Bob: If only there were some way we could combine the depressive with the manic to cancel them out...

[Frizzo the Clown]

Its about time you wrote something else! ;)

[JBond]

I was bored, I made it up as I went along....when's the last time you wrote something? ;)

[Frizzo the Clown]

I wrote a bad check last week. :P

[JBond]

Episode 7: Bob Still Has A Job


*Psychologist Bob is with a couple in his office*

Bob: Now, let me see if I've got this right. Lindsey, you're mad at Sean for not showing you respect in this relationship, and you would like him to help out more around the house. Sean, you would like Lindsey to give you more alone time during the day and not to dress in such trampy clothes when you go out.

Lindsey: That was all correct except for the part about about the clothes, he never said that...

Bob: Oh...well, I'm pretty sure he did.

*Bob picks up a tape recorder on his desk*

Bob: We don't just record these session to share with friends! I'll run it back, and you'll see.

*Bob pushes "Rewind" for a bit and then "Play"*

Bob (on tape recorder): I'll run it back, and you'll see.

Bob: Oops, hold on.

*Bob runs it back more*

Lindsey (on tape recorder): and if Sean coudl only see, that when I'm on the phone with my friends that I'm trying to-....I told you to stop looking down my shirt!

Bob (on tape recorder): This brings us back to what Sean was saying earlier, about how you should not wear such trampy clothes when you go out.

Sean (on tape recorder): I never said that!

Bob (on tape recorder): Sure you did, I'll show you on the tape recorder.

Lindsey: I think we've heard enough.

Bob: Shh, isn't this the part where I do that great Daffy Duck impersonation?.....Man, does my voice really sound like that?

Sean: Are we paying you to just let us argue in front of you?!

Bob: I thought that's what all couples wanted to do. I can even call my wife down here, it'll be great! Man, does she have a mouth on her! Sometimes I just want to... *Bob raises his fist and shakes it*

Sean: No thanks, I think we're done here.

*Sean gets up to leave*

Bob: For the best, I'm not married. One day, I hope. *crosses fingers* That's why I took this job, actually, to meet new people.

Lindsey: That would be bad enough for single people, but couples couseling?!

Bob: Ah, couples in trouble! *winks*

*Sean is out the door by now*
*Bob leans closer to Lindsey*

Bob: You know, Sean called you a jerk when you went to the bathroom earlier. Remember, my number's on my card!

Lindsey: I'm never calling you again!

*Lindsey takes his card from her purse, rips it up and tosses it back to him. She then storms out of there*

Bob: Ohhhh yeah, they're breaking up on that car ride home.

[The WupZter]

Hahaha nice one.

[JBond]

Episode 8: Seven Pill Monty

*A man walks in and shakes Psychologist Bob's hand and sits down*

Bob: Well, hello. You must be Christopher.
Chris: That's me. I assume you know about my situation?
Bob: Yes, your doctor called me yesterday...while I was eating. He said you wanted to look into possible anti-depressants.
Chris: Correct. I know that since you're not a doctor you can't legally prescribe me anything, so I was thinking-
Bob: Not a doctor?! I can still do things, you know?
Chris: I'm...sure you can.
Bob: The state and probably the country won't let me sell you drugs, but nothing in the law says I can't leave some out on the table allowing you to perhaps...take them.
Chris: Are you sure about that?
Bob: Oh sure.

*Bob gets up and goes to his cabinet collecting some things, meanwhile looking back suspiciously over his shoulder. He walks back to his desk and spaces out 7 piles of pills onto the table in a row and sits back down*

Bob: There you have it, the best anti-depressant on the market. Guarenteed to prevent suicide or your money back...I guess.
Chris: Great, but which ones are they?
Bob: Oh, I can't tell you that, that would be too easy. But I can try to steer you in the right direction.

*Bob nods his head towards the far end of the pills*

*Chris takes one of the purple pills on the far left*

Bob: Ah geez, I didn't know you were going to swallow it! That one's poison!
Chris: Poison! What are you doing with poison?!?
Bob: No time to explain, you need to take the anedote!

*Bob points to the piles*

Chris: Which one is it!
Bob: I can't tell you that!

*Chris takes a red pill, second from the right*

Bob: Ooo, that was Lithium, sorry.

*Chris takes a white pill from the middle pile*

Bob: Hah, but that one was Speed, now you're in for trouble.

*Chris is now breathing heavy and sweating*

Chris: What do I do?!
Bob (delightfuly): More! Take more!

*Chris takes a handful of blue pills from the third from the right pile*

Bob: Heh, you don't want to know what those were.

*Chris collapses onto the floor*

*Bob talks on his intercom*

Bob: Mrs. Octobijune? Could you please order me some more of my "happy pills"? ...what do you mean, you're "not my doctor"?

[Frizzo the Clown]

Its about time you wrote more, you lazy *****. :P

[JBond]

Its about time you wrote something else! ;)

Its about time you wrote more, you lazy *****. :P

You seem to be getting hostle in your old age. ;)

[Frizzo the Clown]

You seem to be getting hostle in your old age. ;)
Naw, I was always this hostile.

[Knerys]

"happy pills" heh heh heh. :hehe:

[JBond]

Episode 9: Multi-tasking

*Psychologist Bob is sitting at his desk playing Cat's Cradle with string*

Bob: I'll win this game yet...

*A man walks into his office*

Andre: Hello? I'm your 11 O'Clock. Your secretary said I could come in.
Bob: Yes, she's presumptious that way... Well, have a seat.

*Andre sits into one of the chairs on the other side of Bob's desk*

Bob: So, what's ailing you?
Andre: Well, I've been having a rough time. See, when I was a child, my mother often told me-

*Bob is giving him the "move it along" hand wave signal*

Andre: So, uh, anyway, long story short, my sister's husband left her for another woman and I had to let her move in.
Bob: The other woman?!
Andre: ...my sister.

*A woman walks into the office*

Daisy: Hi, your secretary said I could enter. I'm here for my 11:00 appointment.
Bob: Of course she did...
Andre: There must be some mistake. My appointment was set for 11:00. I'm sure of it. You said on the phone "it has to be 11:00."
Daisy: You said the same thing to me. Should I...come back?
Bob; No, no. Of course not. Take a seat, I can explain everything.

*Daisy takes a seat*

Bob: You see, I make ALL of my appointments for 11:00. It's the perfect time. I get paid for the few hours of work that I sleep at my desk during the late morning, I see a patient, then I go home for lunch for the day...which I get paid for, as well.
Andre: You have all of your paitents in therapy at the same time?!
Bob: Oh God, no. This is the first time two people actually showed up. *Bob starts fiddling with the Cat's Cradle game again* I get so many no-shows, it's never really been a problem... *Bob puts it down* But, no big deal, this will be fun to try two of them at once. Maybe I can help you both with the same advice. What's wrong with you?

Daisy: I think my husband is cheating on me.
Bob: Perfect! That's wonderful! We'll just hook you up with Andre's brother here!
Andre: Sister.
Bob: Well, that's more difficult, but I think we could make it work with some real soul-searching.
Daisy: This is ridiculous, I'm paying good money for a serious therapy session!
Bob: Would you guys stop calling it "therapy?" Trust me, if it was therapy I would be getting paid a lot more. Therapy is a tough field and I just haven't broken out yet.

*An clock alarm goes off*

Bob: 11:05, and that's lunch. ...I'll tell you what I'm going to do, because I'm a nice guy. I'll come back from lunch just this once and help you guys figure this out. Just talk things over 'til then and I'll see you in 45. Ciao!

*Bob just about makes it to the door when a couple walks in*

Greg: Yes, we're here for the 11:00 couple's therapy.
Bob: You're late.

*Bob continues to walk out the door*

Bob: *Off screen* Heh. "Therapy." I wish

[IanTheCool]

nice. i like it.

[JBond]

Yeah, it was OK. After I wrote it I thought of a better joke for squeezing in sessions.

Two words: Speed Therapy

[Boro]

Best chapter yet!