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View Full Version : THE EVERLASTER prolouge (First Draft)


twaas1
10-23-2004, 04:57 PM
Here is the prolouge to the first draft of my like thousandth story, THE EVERLASTER, remember this is only the prolouge and only the first draft so it is a little shaky and "undecided" at some parts. It is a small part of the prolouge though...read away

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When it sunk, he was there. When it fell, he was there. When it crashed, he was there. The Everlaster. He walked slowly through the desert, searching for water. Little did he know, it was right there. An aquifer, an unknown source at that point in time. 2654 B.C. He shuffled along thirsting and hungering for food and water. Starving to death and never dying. It was his worst nightmare.

When he was born…he doesn’t know. Where he lives…anywhere. He travels along being an unknown part in history. To quote: When it sunk (The Titanic) He was there. When it fell (The Hindenburg) He was there. When it crashed (The Stock Market) He was there. He took place in all events in history. Neither him, nor anyone else knew. He knew he couldn’t die…in fact, he didn’t know what dying was. He didn’t stay any place long enough to see anyone die. He witnessed everything. Coincidentally, he was at every event that made a difference or an impact on society.

He shuffled still. Along the Nile he was. He stopped and looked at something. It was a structure. A structure being built. A man approached him. The man was Khufu. The man who ordered construction of the Great Pyramid. Although the Pyramid hasn’t been built yet.

The Everlaster has a name…unknown though. But he calls himself Jordan…so that is what I will refer to him as.

“Who are you?” asked Khufu

Nothing was heard.

“Who are you?” again asked Khufu

Jordan gave him a blank look.

“WHO ARE YOU???” demanded Khufu, once again.

Jordan had never spent enough time with anyone to learn how to talk. He was born near the beginning of time when no one spoke much. So he never learned how to talk.

“Who are—y-you” repeated Jordan.

“I am Khufu…king of the land!” stated Khufu

“King of duh laa—land” stuttered Jordan

When Khufu figured out he couldn’t speak, he took him under his protection. Jordan lived with Khufu for many years. He learned to speak, write, and understand languages. Two years after Jordan had mastered the language of the people, he got an idea. He went to Khufu…

“Khufu,” He said, “I have a plan”

“What?!” snapped Khufu who was under stress. Khufu was under stress for many reasons. One was because of tomb raiders. They stole his and many other people’s treasures. There were a group of people known as the Khallas at that time. They were a group of seven men. The Khallas were tomb raiders and were the most crafty of them all.

“You have said that you need a tomb. I have an idea”

And so began the Great Pyramid’s construction. Now I am not saying that Khufu didn’t have anything to do with it…just saying that it was Jordan’s idea. Khufu did approve of it, order the construction, and many other things too.

Later, as the years went by…Khufu did die. Jordan just thought he had left. So he left in search of his only friend. When he learned of dying from Khufu’s son, he went in revenge of the Khallas…

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I forgot to say that the Khallas had killed Khufu's uncle, brother, cousin and supposedly Khufu too

Tornado
10-23-2004, 05:21 PM
You shouldn't have created 2 threads on the same thing.

twaas1
10-23-2004, 05:36 PM
It doubled by accident

Tornado
10-23-2004, 06:10 PM
The post times were 6 minutes apart though.

twaas1
10-23-2004, 07:13 PM
I still don't understand what happened...anyways, did you like it?

ambrosia
10-23-2004, 07:35 PM
Quote: "When it sunk (The Titanic) He was there. When it fell (The Hindenburg) He was there. When it crashed (The Stock Market) He was there. He took place in all events in history. Neither him, nor anyone else knew. He knew he couldn’t die…in fact, he didn’t know what dying was. He didn’t stay any place long enough to see anyone die." End quote.
he was there, that he 'took place', in all those disasters mentioned in the beginning of the paragraph, the Hindengerg... Titanic... and yet he has still never seen anybody die...
In the last part of this paragraph you say that he doesn't stay long enough to see anybody die and doesn't even know what death is... yet you also say

Quote: "The Everlaster has a name…unknown though. But he calls himself Jordan…so that is what I will refer to him as." End quote.

He calls himself Jordan. So he does have a name.

Quote: "He knew he couldn’t die…in fact, he didn’t know what dying was." End quote.

How can he know that he couldn't die if he doesn't know what dying is in the first place?

Even for a first draft, your story still needs alot of work in its structure. :cool:

twaas1
10-23-2004, 07:50 PM
Yeah I know it is a little shaky and needs some editing