3. Where in the World is William Shatner

[JBond]

Welcome to JBond's third fanfic. Like always, please do not add on to the fanfic for I have it all typed in MS Word. I will post a part every day or two. Keep your hands and arms inside the car, and enjoy the ride!

<North Pole>
<Superman’s Residence>

Superman: Well it’s great you guys could finally come over to see my place!
JBond: You s-s-sure know h-h-how to pick the s-s-spots, Superman!
Superman: Yeah I know.
JBond: It’s h-h-hard to show sarcasm when I’m so c-c-cold.
Superman: Ooo, I got mail!

<Superman views his letters>

Superman: Hmmm <Flips through about 15 of them and throws them into a box marked ‘Santa’> Ah, this one’s for me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Superman,

I noticed in your comics that you don’t get paid for your saving the world and all, and I also noticed that you don’t solve near all of the world problems. So why don’t you get off your lazy ass or get a real job!

Thanks, Timmy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Superman: Uh-huh.... <Superman gets a pen and paper>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Timmy,

You know those sounds you hear in the middle of the night when you’re all alone in your bed? Those are mass murderers that are searching through your house for fresh blood!!

Be careful!, Superman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<The phone rings, JBond answers it>

JBond: <On Phone> Hello....no....no...yes I am!......Uh huh....Hey listen, do you want to do something this Friday?
Superman: Bond! Are you giving out my phone number to your women?!
JBond: <Still on phone> Ok! See you at 7:00! <Hangs up> I didn’t give your number out, that was a wrong number.
thebtskink: You’re my hero!
Olorin: Can we go back to America now, I’m cold, and I’m afraid of what would happen if I went to the bathroom up here...
Superman: Fine, we can go now...where’d thebtskink go to?

<thebtskink is cutting a hole in the ice>

Olorin: I think he’s ice fishing.
JBond: Hey thebtskink, don’t you have to give up your worms to go ice fishing, haha!
thebtskink: Worms...what do you mean by that?

<JBond notices thebtskink was going to use Oreos to fish>

JBond: Oh, uh...nevermind.
thebtskink: What…did you think I would use worms as bait?! What the hell kind of sick joke is that?!
JBond: Well uh...I once heard from some people that worms can uh...sometimes be used as...bait.
thebtskink: I want addresses of these people...NOW!
Olorin: C’MON! Let’s go!

<They all start to go to the exit and thebtskink falls into ice fishing hole>

Superman: Dammit! <Superman jumps in the hole and gets him out>
thebtskink: Hey thanks Superman, means a lot!
Superman: Don’t get too mushy, I just didn’t want you to find my stash of magazines.

<JBond runs for the hole but Superman trips him>
<They all leave and go back to America...some how...use your imagination>

<At the Inter-National Superhero Association for the Non-Evil>

Tech: Oh great, you’re FINALLY back!…why is thebtskink all wet.
thebtskink: Fell in freezing water, sir.
Tech: Well that was dumb!
Superman: What the hell is your problem?
Tech: Sigh...It’s so stressful working here, late hours, few breaks...what I mean is....WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE ME TO DISNEYLAND?!?
Olorin: You wanted to go?
Tech: I was hoping to meet Goofy...Sigh...where’d Jedi go?
JBond: He got arrested for putting his initials into cement.
Tech: He got arrested for that?! People put there initials in wet cement all of the time!
JBond: I never said it was wet cement.
Tech: Ahh! I was wondering where the company jackhammer was!
Superman: Yeah it was quite interesting, they broke into his house and took him to jail.
Tech: Huh? How’d they know it was Jedi if he got back to his house before they noticed it?
JBond: Well...he put his address into the cement as well.
Tech: Dumb ass...anyway, we have a situation.
JBond: Ooo, I like situations!
Tech: William Shatner-
JBond: Ah nuts...
Tech: -has gone all over the world and has stolen 99.9% of the albums!
Superman: Why not all of them?
Tech: Well the only ones that are left are Milli Vanilli and his albums. Our intelligence here believes he took out all of the albums that were better than his so his are now the best and will make money.
JBond: What?! That doesn’t make sense, your guys are just stupid!
Tech: Hey! Don’t insult my intelligence!!
Superman: Son of a b*tch...now I’ll have to only listen to Milli Vanilli forever…
Tech: Your mission, if you choose to take it...I mean accept it...DAMN IT, I KNEW I’d mess that up!!...anyway, get the albums back and bring back Shatner...it’s ok if you don’t get the Poison albums back. We have a lead. We got a call just 5 minutes ago from CD’s-A-Plenty, and they told us they info on William Shatner’s whereabouts. Here is the address, good luck!

<The heroes exit the building>
<Toilet flushes from a different room and Mirko walks in>

Mirko: ...was that the guys that just left?!
Tech: Um...
Mirko: You briefed them, didn’t you? You KNEW it was my turn!
Tech: Oh come on, the last one I did was telling them that your cat had escaped!
Mirko: Hey, that cat means a lot to me!
Tech: Yeah and they found it two minutes later in a tree outside of the building...
Mirko: Well, when you start your own Superhero company, you can make your own rules!

<small>[ 02-02-2002, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: JBond ]</small>

[Godzilla]

Originally posted by JBond:
<STRONG>
&lt;They all leave and go back to America...some how...use your imagination&gt;

[ 10-13-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]</STRONG>

How about me. I'm fast and cheap! :D

[Con-Air]

Yes, but I come with an in-flight movie

[Frizzo the Clown]

Hey! Didn't I already kill Shatner? That crafty bastard!

[rObix]

hey bond, once im "elite" and over 3000 posts can i get in on the superhero stuff? im never anything good in any fan fics :P

[Superman]

Originally posted by JBond:
<STRONG>Superman: Uh-huh.... &lt;Superman gets a pen and paper&gt;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Timmy,

You know those sounds you hear in the middle of the night when you’re all alone in your bed? Those are mass murderers that are searching through your house for fresh blood!!

Be careful!, Superman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
</STRONG>

Great job as usual Bond!

[Olorin]

Wow, even though I am probably the worst poster on these boards (ie, I leave, I stand up my fiance, I moderated LOTR, etc), I still get facetime in fanfics. I must be a pretty cool guy.

[JBond]

&lt;The heroes are now outside&gt;

Olorin: Hey! This address is all the way on the other side of town! How are we going to get there?
JBond: Public transportation.

&lt;Olorin cringes&gt;

Superman: Well, I know which bus we take out of here to get the west side of town. But I’m not sure when it will get here. You should call the Bus Company.

&lt;JBond calls the Bus company from a pay phone&gt;

Recorded Operator: Hello, and thank you for choosing the only bus company in the city. For bus time information, please press 5639.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Recorded Operator: Thank you, Bus #1 will be at the corner of Snuggles and Downy at 2:35......at Rabbit and Trix at 2:37......at Rabbit and Energizer at 2:40......at Jordan and Wheaties at 2:44......and at Dole and Viagra at 2:50.........Bus #2 will be at-

JBond: Hey what bus are we taking Supes?
Superman: The 84.

&lt;JBond hangs up immediately&gt;
&lt;The guys wait 23 and a half minutes for the 84 bus and get on&gt;

Warpedchick: Hi, I’ll be your bus driver today! Are there any questions?....Yes! You with the spandex!
Superman: Do you do this at every stop?
Warpedchick: Hehehe, I do what I want. The in-drive movie we will be playing is Johnny Mnemonic staring Keanu Reeves! Enjoy.
Olorin: HOW long is this drive?
JBond: About two hours until we get way over to the west side.
Olorin: Damn!

&lt;Bus starts up and drives away as a man runs along the side of the bus and elbows the door&gt;

Keanu Reeves: LAPD!! Pull over!

&lt;Warpedchick turns the bus to the right and runs him over!

Warpedchick: BWAhahaha!

&lt;Keanu manages to get on the bus all dirty from the back of the bus and gets his way up to the front&gt;

Warpedchick: Damn!
Keanu Reeves: You can’t go any further, there’s a BOMB on this bus!!

&lt;Keanu removes the Johnny Mnemonic tape from the VCR&gt;

Keanu Reeves: It’s ok, the bomb has been shut down, you are now safe!

Warpedchick: Not yet!!

&lt;Warpedchick turns the wheel sharply and Keanu flies out the door&gt;

Keanu Reeves: AaaaaIIIIIIEEEEEE.......
Warpedchick: HEHEHE!!!
JBond: You know...you just couldn’t be prepared for something like that!

&lt;JBond notices a hot girl a few seats ahead&gt;

JBond: Hey Supes, check out THAT chick! Not bad, eh?
Superman: So-so
JBond: So-so?! Are you crazy!? She’s gorgeous!
Superman: I don’t now, she’s just doesn’t look like my type.
JBond: Oh I see how it is, she doesn’t have quite the same “larger dimensions” as Lois Lane!
Superman: Excuse me?
JBond: Face it, you’re jealous of her breasts!
Superman: I’m happy with the way my breasts are NOW thanks!!
JBond: Yeah...
Olorin: Why are you so occupied with the looks Bond? I have much more sense then you, I don’t even HAVE to look at the girl just as she doesn’t have to look at me. It’s all in the conversations and mood! All I have to hear are those 4 magical words to know I am in eternal bliss...
thebtskink: Please deposit more quarters?
Superman and JBond: HAHA!
Olorin: Eh, screw you guys...

&lt;The bus arrives to CD’s-A-Plenty and they go inside&gt;

Doomsday: Welcome to my store, feel free to look around and buy albums to your heart’s content! If you have a question about a particular CD, just ask!

&lt;The entire store is wiped out clean&gt;

thebtskink: More like an inconvenience store!
Superman: &lt;Superman raises his hand&gt; Yeah I got a question...are you on crack!
Doomsday: ...I swear, it’s medicinal, ASK ANYONE!!
JBond: Excuse me, we were sent by tech, he said you could help us on the whereabouts of William Shatner.
Doomsday: Who now?
JBond: Shatner...the maniac who stole all of your CD’s!
Doomsday: Oh that guy! He’s such a great man, he’s really going to help out my business out!
thebtskink: Yeah...I understand how you could see it that way...
Doomsday: He didn’t steal them you know, he DID pay for them!
Superman: Well I guess that was sort of thoughtful of him.
Doomsday: Yeah...well, he didn’t really pay for them…but he said he’d get back to it! I forgot the particular date...do you know what day of the month...”pigs fly”?
Olorin: Um no, could you tell us how we could find him?
Doomsday: Well, he was talking to someone on his cell phone about how he has to stop at “We Sell Shirts” and then to some casino or something.
JBond: I see, well thank you for your help!
Doomsday: You bet! Would you like to by some CD’s!
JBond: Um, perhaps when you get some more in...

[Godzilla]

Originally posted by Con-Air:
<STRONG>Yes, but I come with an in-flight movie</STRONG>

Sorry, but no one wants to go through the agony and hell of Superstar again.

[Frizzo the Clown]

Originally posted by Con-Air:
<STRONG>Yes, but I come with an in-flight movie</STRONG>"and todays in-flight movie: 'Alive' followed immediately by your in-flight meal!"

[Frizzo the Clown]

Man, JBond, this really sucks! ;)

[Con-Air]

Originally posted by Frizzo the Clown:
<STRONG>Man, JBond, this really sucks! ;)</STRONG>

Yeah, when do I come in?

[thebtskink]

This is great. Keep it coming!! :D

[JBond]

Originally posted by Con-Air:
<STRONG>

Yeah, when do I come in?</STRONG>

Soon enough

[JBond]

Originally posted by Frizzo the Clown:
<STRONG>Man, JBond, this really sucks! ;)</STRONG>

How could you SAY that?!

[Frizzo the Clown]

Originally posted by JBond:
<STRONG>

How could you SAY that?!</STRONG>Easy, watch this.....JBond, this sucks!

[Olorin]

Originally posted by Frizzo the Clown:
<STRONG>Easy, watch this.....JBond, this sucks!</STRONG>

*kick... kick kick*

idiot.

[Malice]

Hey....I get to use the
&lt;At the Inter-National Superhero Association for the Non-Evil&gt;
SuperComputer!

[Superman]

Originally posted by JBond:
<STRONG>&lt;thebtskink: Please deposit more quarters?
Superman and JBond: HAHA!
Olorin: Eh, screw you guys...
</STRONG>

Funny stuff Bond, the whole thing is great. Makes me want to get started on my next fan fic. :D

[JBond]

&lt;They leave CD’s-A-Plenty and call a cab up to the curb&gt;

Madness: Hello! Come in, come in! Where to?

&lt;The group reluctantly gets in&gt;

thebtskink: Take us to “We Sell Shirts”
Madness: You GOT it little buddy!

&lt;Madness hits the fare lever up and drives off&gt;

JBond: Um, excuse me, I believe the store is in the other direction.
Madness: Ohhhhhh, I’m SO sorry! What AM I doing!

&lt;Madness turns around and gets on the Canada exit&gt;

Superman: Hey...isn’t the United States....that way?
JBond: I’m pretty sure that the place we are going is not in Canada! Please get off this freeway and back on the regular road!
Madness: So sorry sir, right away.

&lt;The fair is now at $5, the taxi goes towards the exit to get off the freeway at 5 mph&gt;

Olorin: Going kind of slow there, aren’t you?
Madness: Well there are many small animals that could jump out at any time! I have to be careful!
thebtskink: We couldn’t run over a speed bump at this speed.
Madness: Well now, would you just look at ALL that debris in the road! Damn, I could cause damage to this car!

&lt;Madness waves the taxi back and forth through all of the lanes, the fair is now at $15&gt;

JBond: ...I don’t see a damn thing.
Superman: My God, don’t you even KNOW that the taxi fare lever is on!?!
Madness: Um...oh that thing...I didn’t notice. Geez...you know...it’s just going to take HOURS with all of this traffic and the lack of my road and driving knowledge! *snicker*
thebtskink: Heh, I’m so glad JBond is paying for this!
JBond: Yeah, and since you are the current owner of my wallet, YOU can pay for it!...Oh and I want it back after that too!

&lt;Just then the car swerves violently&gt;

thebtskink: What the hell is it now?!
Madness: Sorry about that, a cat came out of nowhere!

&lt;Superman looks back&gt;

Superman: I don’t see a cat?
Madness: I know! Success! 20 points!!


&lt;The group finally get to the department store “We Sell Shirts” later that night. On the front of the store the store’s name is displayed in big lit-up letters, and they see the manager sitting depressed in the parking lot&gt;

thebtskink: Is something wrong, sir? You look a little green.
Godzilla: Oh it was horrible, this crazy over-weight guy with a bad wig came in and pulled out some sort of phasor and took all of our personal CD’s and then killed a bunch of my employees!
JBond: That’s horrible!!
Godzilla: I know...I had over 100 CD’s! He left my copy of William Shatner Does West Side Story though....thank goodness!

&lt;Olorin takes a step back from Godzilla&gt;

Superman: Do you think you know where he might be going? Perhaps to a casino or something?
Godzilla: Yeah that sounds right, he said something about going to his private casino on the north side of town...what’s this all about?
Superman: That was William Shatner, he’s planning to steal almost all of the worlds supply of CD’s
Godzilla: So I won’t be able to buy my Boys II Men CD’s back?! DAMNIT!! Could this day get any WORSE!?

&lt;At that moment someone in a ShopKo uniform walks to the front of the store and throws a couple rocks at the sign busting two letters&gt;


_ _ _ ______ _____ _____ _ _
| | | | | | | ____| / ____| | ____|| | | |
| | | | | | ||____ | |____ ||____ | | | |
| | | | | | | ____| \____ \ | ____|| | | |
\ |/ _ \| / ||____ ____| |||____ | |___ | |___
\__/ \__/ |_____| |_____/ |_____||_____||_____|

_____ _ _ _____ ____ _____ _____
/ ____| | | | ||_ _||MMMMM\|_ _| /MMMMM|
| |____ | |_| | | | |M| |M| | | |M|____
\____ \ | _ | | | |MMMMM/ | | \MMMMM\
____| || | | | _| |_ |M| \M\ | | ___|M|
|_____/ |_| |_||_____||M| \M\ |_| |MMMMM/


thebtskink: Um, the sign-

&lt;JBond interrupts him with a hand signal to be quiet&gt;

JBond: I think it’s time to go…
thebtskink: Yeah, I’ll call a cab.
JBond: Let’s NOT call a cab! I got something else we can take!
Superman: Bond, we’re not taking your fold-up car!!
JBond: Why not?! It’s seats 6, it has 4 wheel drive, machine guns behind the headlights and also in the windshield wipers to shoot down planes, ALL from one pen that conveniently fits in my pocket!
Superman: Bond...the car’s 4 inches long. And it seats 6 hamsters!
JBond: Well ok, it still needs some work. But it’s from a pen, what did you expect...

Godzilla: On no....my sign....what happened....I’M RUUUUUUUINED!!!!

JBond: Ok...I got it.

&lt;JBond pulls out a cell phone and types in some numbers&gt;

Olorin: Who you calling?
JBond: My car, it comes to me by this locator I have here in my pocket.

&lt;A minute later a car is seen turning violently around a corner, and running a red light causing another car to crash into a dumpster&gt;

Con-Air: Hey!! You a**hole!!!

&lt;JBond punches 7 on the phone&gt;

Bond Car: WHY DON’T YOU LEARN HOW TO DRIVE...PAL.
Con-Air: ....

&lt;The car then precedes to go down the street and knock over a mailbox while going 50 mph approaching Bond&gt;

JBond: Uh....CRAP!!
thebtskink: Get rid of the locator!!

&lt;JBond throws the locator into what turns out to be a gas station&gt;

thebtskink: Well now that was just plain stupid...

&lt;The car turns and goes into the gas station causing a massive fireball explosion&gt;

&lt;Superman pats Bond on the shoulder&gt;

Superman: Needs some more work there, Bond.
Olorin: I don’t know why Q invests so much into you after all this time.
JBond: I don’t know what went wrong…it always worked for Batman...here, let me try calling my tank over...

&lt;Olorin kicks the phone out of Bond’s hand&gt;

thebtskink: Hey Sir, you going to be alright?
Godzilla: Oh i'll be fine, it must have ShopKo that did this. I'm going to go to there store and change their "K" to an "H"....then set it on fire of course.
JBond: Of course.

Olorin: Hey you guys, why don't we just walk...

&lt;The group walks across the street to the casino&gt;

Olorin: There we go!

[ 10-16-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]

[thebtskink]

Bwahahaha!!! Good stuff!!!

godzilla really does sell it. 10 bucks a pound.

[Malice]

This rocks

[Godzilla]

Originally posted by thebtskink:
<STRONG>Bwahahaha!!! Good stuff!!!

godzilla really does sell it. 10 bucks a pound.</STRONG>

And you're my #1 cutomer. Ocasionally you find a tape worm.

[JBond]

I made a little adjustment with the small pen-car in the post.

[fractal_inversion]

I havent been in it, so I'll just assume I was the hot girl on the bus :D

[JBond]

You're in it later I believe. I was actually considering makiong one fo you the girl on the bus, but I thought one of you wouldn't like that.

[ 10-16-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]

[Olorin]

You have the Olorin Stamp of Approval: (_Y_)

[Superman]

The taxi bit with Madness was funny!

[JBond]

&lt;The group enter “Bill’s Casino”&gt;
&lt;A local gambler sees a man in spandex and a cape, a guy wearing a shirt that says “Worms are good for ya”, a man in all black, and a guy in a tux&gt;

Local Gambler: Who the hell are you guys?!
Superman: We’re the new Village People, now get lost!!!

&lt;A hot waitress walks by&gt;

JBond: Mandy! Do you remember me?! It’s Bond!

&lt;Mandy walks over and slaps Bond and he falls over&gt;

thebtskink: I think she does.
Superman: You slept with her? Must have tough with that chastity belt she’s wearing!
JBond: Hey! How did you know she’s wea-....&lt;JBond hits Superman&gt;

*CLINK*

JBond: OW!!
Superman: Hehe, fool.
JBond: FOOL!
Olorin: Would you guys quit fooling around! We need to find clues on William Shatner so we can catch him! OK?

&lt;Olorin blinks and they’re gone&gt;
&lt;Superman is tipping over a slot machine, thebtskink is throwing chips at the video cameras, and JBond is getting beat up by the bartender&gt;

Olorin: Sigh...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

&lt;thebtskink walks over to the Blackjack tables and sits down&gt;

Fractal: You must be under or equal to 21 to play this game, or I'll bust you
thebtskink: ...
Fractal: Ha ha ha! That’s just a little joke I sometimes open a game with.
thebtskink: ......&lt;thebtskink starts to leave&gt;
Fractal: Ok! I’m sorry! Do you want to play now?
thebtskink: Sure would!

&lt;Fractal shuffles the cards and places it near thebtskink&gt;

thebtskink: What...is it my turn to deal?
Fractal: NO! Cut the deck.

&lt;thebtskink cuts the deck and hands it back to Fractal&gt;

Fractal: Thank you...what the? The cards are all sticky!!
thebtskink: Oh sorry, I had a Popsicle!
Fractal : Leave! I won’t let you back to the table until you’ve wash your hands!
thebtskink: *Grumble*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

&lt;Superman walks over to the roulette table, bbf2 spins the...thing and puts in the ball&gt;

Superman: I’ll put $50 on...re-black.
bbf2: What? Did you say red?
Superman: Oh sorry, I said...reb-ack

&lt;Ball comes down on black&gt;

Superman: Whoo-hoo! Black!!
bbf2: Hey! You didn’t give a clear answer!! It’s sounded like you said red!
Superman: I, said, BLACK, dammit!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

&lt;JBond is at the bar drunk drinking more martini’s while sitting next to some guy&gt;

JBond: Ehhhhhh, then my 57th girlfriend left me and ran away with by best friend...I think they got married...
Michael Dolences: My condolences!
JBond: Yeah.....

&lt;JBond turns his attention to the TV behind the bartender&gt;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Samuel L. Jackson: Welcome back to another edition of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I am your new host, Samuel L. Jackson. We are STILL waiting for this no talent loser to make up his MIND!!
Link: &lt;shaking&gt; I’m sorry....it’s just...you aren’t letting me see the answers!
Samuel L. Jackson: Dammit! ANY idiot can just guess the answers! But now you actually have to USE that lump inside that small head of yours and answer the mother f**king question!!!
Link: Is it ostrich!
Samuel L. Jackson: Is that your FINAL answer!?!
Link: .......no
Samuel L. Jackson: Son-of-a-B*TCH!!

&lt;Samuel L. Jackson rises violently from his chair, pulls out a gun, and walks over to Link&gt;

TECHNICAL DIFFICULITIES: PLEASE STAND BY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JBond: Hmmmm...good for him...bartender! Get me another Jeff Daniels!!
dubloth: I believe you mean Jack Dan-
JBond: DAMMIT don’t argue with me, just get me another DRINK!....make it ah...Rum and Mello Yellow.
dubloth: Alcoholics...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

thebtskink: Ok, I washed my hands!
Fractal: That’s better!

&lt;thebtskink grabs his cards with soggy hands&gt;

Fractal: Sigh...have you ever heard of paper towels?!
thebtskink: Is that uh...a rock band?
Fractal: Do you want another card or not?

&lt;thebtskink looks at his cards&gt;

thebtskink: I don’t know...you think I should hit with a 19?
Fractal: ...yes!

&lt;Fractal gives thebtskink a 2 of clubs&gt;

Fractal: *****!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

bbf2: I’m sorry sir, but because I didn’t hear your bet, it wasn’t officially made! I’m going to have to ask for your $50 now!
Superman: Fine!!

&lt;Superman hands bbf2 a 50 dollar bill&gt;

bbf2: Thank you, and-....wait a minute. There have been a lot of reports of counterfeiting around here recently. But lucky for me, I know how to tell if this is real! Only a real 50 dollar bill would emit a blue flame when lit on fire!

&lt;bbf2 places a lighter under the bill and lights it. It flashes in a blue flame and is left in ashes in less than a second&gt;

bbf2: Hmm, I guess it was real.....can I have another one?
Superman: ......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

&lt;Olorin is walking along, admiring the strippers when he sees someone up ahead&gt;

William Shatner: Dammit man, I told you to rig ALL of the slot machines, not just those up near the front!!
silent rOb: For God’s sake Jim, I’m a video store clerk, not a MIND reader!
William Shatner: I told you to never call me that again!! That was a long time ago...and I’m an old man now....but I’d do it again if it meant a steady paycheck!!

Olorin: I have to warn the others!!

&lt;Olorin turns to look at the strippers&gt;

Olorin: ............

[ 10-17-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]

[thebtskink]

Very good.. *BZZT* Damn soggy keyboard...

[Frizzo the Clown]

Originally posted by JBond:
Samuel L. Jackson[/b]: Welcome back to another edition of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I am your new host, Samuel L. Jackson. We are STILL waiting for this no talent loser to make up his MIND!!
Link: &lt;shaking&gt; I’m sorry....it’s just...you aren’t letting me see the answers!
Samuel L. Jackson: Dammit! ANY idiot can just guess the answers! But now you actually have to USE that lump inside that small head of yours and answer the mother f**king question!!!
Link: Is it ostrich!
Samuel L. Jackson: Is that your FINAL answer!?!
Link: .......no
Samuel L. Jackson: Son-of-a-B*TCH!!

&lt;Samuel L. Jackson rises violently from his chair, pulls out a gun, and walks over to Link&gt;

TECHNICAL DIFFICULITIES: PLEASE STAND BY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now thats some funny *****!

[Superman]

Originally posted by Frizzo the Clown:
<STRONG>Now thats some funny *****!</STRONG>

I gotta agree, that was funny as hell!

[Olorin]

Originally posted by JBond:
<STRONG>
Michael Dolences: My condolences!
[ 10-17-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]</STRONG>

Very celvur! Dorp.

[JBond]

Wayne Newton: Danke schoen, darling danke scheon!!!
JBond: WHOO-HOO!!!! Wayne Newton, you ROCK!! I mean you have great music and Fig Newton’s are GREAT!!

(Bond’s still drunk by the way)
&lt;Wayne Newton pushes a button on the stage, a man with a black suit, black sunglasses, and big red shoes shows up behind Bond&gt;

Frizzo the Clown: Come with me sir. You are disrupting Mr. Newton’s performance!

&lt;Frizzo takes Bond to the back room where all the screens that go to the video cameras around the casino are&gt;

JBond: Cooooool! Should there really be one in the women’s bathroom though?
Frizzo the Clown: Nevermind that! You know why you’re here, right?
JBond: Is this about the slot machines? Look! I was GOING to pay the entire 25 cents, but after I put in the 14th penny, the thing jammed on me!
Frizzo the Clown: ...no, I meant about you yelling during Wayne Newton’s live performance!
JBond: Oh....well I was kidding about the whole penny thing!

&lt;Screen 14&gt; slinger: Ok, who the hell put pennies into this thing!?!?

Frizzo the Clown: Now, what should be your penalty?!
JBond: Um...let go for good behavior?
Frizzo the Clown: Sigh....just go, it doesn’t matter anyway.
JBond: What do you mean?
Frizzo the Clown: It’s this job...the pay sucks, the boss is an ass, and they don’t allow us to mingle with the stripers.
JBond: Well that stinks...hey, you know the boss? Describe him!
Frizzo the Clown: Well, he’s kind of chubby, wears a toupee, has a bunch of Star Trek models in his office, and billions of music albums.
JBond: Hey, how would you like to work with us? We have a dental plan, you get to go many places, you get to kill people, and you can enjoy the strippers all you want!
Frizzo the Clown: I don’t know...is the pay good?
JBond: Pay?....OH, the pay! Uh.....well....hey! You can help us bring down Shatner for stealing the world’s supply of CD’s!
Frizzo the Clown: Count me in!!

&lt;Frizzo and Bond walk out and run into Olorin&gt;

Olorin: Hey watch it! Oh...it’s security! So...they found out about the penny thing, huh?
JBond: Course not! Actually, Frizzo here is joining our team against William Shatner.
Olorin: Oh good. Speaking of which, I just saw him!
JBond: Really? Well we better find Superman and thebtskink.
Olorin: Hey “Frizzo”. What makes you think you can help us out?
Frizzo the Clown: Well, I have knowledge on Shatner’s hideout. Also, I have a team of Midget Ninjas that I ordered on the internet that can help us out!
Olorin: Oh...can you trust them?
Frizzo the Clown: Are you kidding?! I trust them as far as I can throw them!
Olorin: ...
Frizzo the Clown: That’s a yes.
Olorin: Oh ok. &lt;Aside to JBond&gt; I don’t know about him, he seems....weird!
JBond: Olorin...Superman once ice skated naked on a ice rink!
Olorin: Yeah well...that isn’t THAT weird!
JBond: It was during a Red Wings game!
Olorin: ...welcome to the team Frizzo!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Superman: Roulette....reminds me of this game they have in Poland, it’s like Russian Roulette, but they put one bullet into a semi-automatic instead of a revolver...
bbf2: Please....go away!

JBond: Supes! We got to get out of here, Olorin spotted William Shatner.
Superman: Damn, we were having so much fun talking too, right?
bbf2: ...let’s play that game of yours...I’ll go first!
Superman: ...ok, we can go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

&lt;They arrive to thebtskink’s table where there are piles of chips setting next to him&gt;

thebtskink: Hey you guys, I’m doing GREAT!! I must have made over $10,000 in the last hour! My financial problems are finally over...
Olorin: Yeah that’s great, lets go!

&lt;Olorin yanks thebtskink away from the chips and they leave out the back door of Bill’s Casino&gt;

thebtskink: Hehe, look what I got!

&lt;thebtskink reveals a handful of $500 chips&gt;

Olorin: You DO know those aren’t worth anything, right!?
thebtskink: Oh...um, yeah I knew that! Just wanted souvenirs!

&lt;thebtskink drops the chips on the floor&gt;
&lt;They see William Shatner and silent rOb about to enter a white Mitsubishi mini-van in the alley&gt;

JBond: DIE!!!!

&lt;JBond pulls out his gun and tries to shoot but it’s empty&gt;

Superman: Bond...you can’t just yell die! You usually have to pull the trigger.
JBond: Hey I did pull the trigger! Must have forgotten to buy bullets...
William Shatner: Ha ha ha! Not this time Bond. I took out your bullets when I saw you in the Casino! I was informed by Frizzo the Clown!
JBond: Frizzo! How could you?!
Frizzo the Clown: I’m sorry Bond...but that was a long time ago. I was a corrupted clown back then. But I’ve become a better person in the last 5 minutes, that’s all behind me now!
William Shatner: Just shows you what kind of tricks I have up my sleeves! You can’t stop me, none of you can! I’m a genius mastermind, you will never catch me!!

&lt;Shatner tries to open the car door but it doesn’t open&gt;

William Shatner: What the...?

&lt;Shatner notices the keys are locked in the car&gt;

William Shatner: ....ok, that could have happened to any genius!

&lt;Shatner breaks the glass and unlocks the door, gets in and drives away&gt;

silent rOb: Um...

&lt;silent rOb runs down the street following the mini-van&gt;

thebtskink: Great, we don’t have a car, and we can’t follow them, what do we do now?
Frizzo the Clown: We go to JCPennies!
Olorin: JCPennies? Crooks are getting away and you want to go there!? Have you SEEN their PRICES?!?
Frizzo the Clown: No, that’s where there hideout is. An abandoned JCPennies.
Superman: How cliché...
JBond: We need a vehicle!
Olorin: And keep Bond away from it!
Frizzo the Clown: What’s this about now?
thebtskink: Bond here blew up a gas station.
Frizzo the Clown: Oh.
thebtskink: And a car.
Frizzo the Clown: Ah!
thebtskink: At the same time.
Frizzo the Clown: Ouch!
JBond: Could of happened to anyone!

&lt;Wayne Newton walks out of the back door and notices Bond&gt;

Wayne Newton: There you are you little s**t! Get over here!
JBond: Uh-oh, we should be going now...let’s steal that parked car from across the street!

&lt;The group breaks into the car&gt;

thebtskink: Hey, there’s someone in the back!
Olorin: Get rid of him, this is no time to be polite!

&lt;thebtskink throws out Madness&gt;

Madness: Hey!! My CD’s are in there!

&lt;Superman grabs the CD’s in the cab&gt;

Superman: Well wouldn’t you know it!

&lt;Superman throws out the Milli Vanilli CD’s at Madness as they drive away&gt;

Madness: Thank you! Heh...company’s car!

&lt;Madness gets into his Jaguar and drives away&gt;

[Frizzo the Clown]

Ah! Its about time my role was expanded beyond a cameo! You like me! You really like me!

[JBond]

&lt;The heroes arrive at the JCPennies and get out&gt;

JBond: I’m telling you Supes, the large buildings, the taxi cabs, people all over the streets! Metropolis is New York City!!
Superman: I...don’t know what you’re talking about!
JBond: You can even see the Chrysler Building in one of your movies!
Superman: Well don’t you see, we filmed it in New York City! They don’t allow filming in Metropolis.
JBond: Uh huh...

&lt;The heroes walk up to the entrance of JCPennies and walk in. The place is almost completely black and moldy from the many years it has been there. Manikins are missing limbs, all the clothes have long deteriorated, the place is dead silent&gt;

Announcer: Attention Penny shoppers, there is a car with the license plate ZZA-126 in the parking lot with it’s lights on. Thank you!
Superman: Dammit!
JBond: So where would Shatner be?
Frizzo the Clown: Shatner’s lair lies deep within JCPennies....in the Women’s Department!!
JBond: Damnit, that could be ANYWHERE!...And the maps have long deteriorated, we're DOOMED!
Olorin: Well maybe we should just walk towards that huge CD pile in the back corner.

&lt;The group walks over and spots Shatner and silent rOb&gt;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

&lt;Shatner is digging through numerous CD’s now in his possession&gt;

William Shatner: What the hell is this one large white album here...it doesn’t even have a name!!

&lt;Shatner throws the album against the wall and it bursts in pieces&gt;

JBond: Oh that’s it, he’s dead!

&lt;JBond steps out in the open&gt;

JBond: Damn Shatner, no matter what you do, your music will ALWAYS stink! Hording all the world’s CD’s won’t make a difference. All it will do is cause mass suicides!
William Shatner: HEY! How did you find this place!!!

&lt;Shatner notices Frizzo and the rest of them&gt;

William Shatner: Frizzo, you’re fired. Besides, who ever said I was just going to KEEP the CD’s! Bwhahaha!

&lt;Shatner points up to the center of the ceiling, the heroes look up to notice a huge bomb hung up. As they are all staring at it, people walk out of the department store shadows and tie them up&gt;

Superman: Damn...all too familiar!
William Shatner: I made that bomb out of common household items. It’s two parts 409 window cleaner, three parts Crest: Extra Whiting toothpaste and one part Uncle Ben’s Chicken Fried Rice! It’ll be enough to DESTROY every CD here! And since you guys are such FANS of this...”good” music, you should die along with them!
JBond: You’ll never get away this, Bill!!
William Shatner: And what makes you believe that?
JBond: I don’t know...it just seemed like a good time for it. Force of habit really.
William Shatner: Well I will get away with this, so ta-ta for now!

&lt;Silent rOb runs in huffing&gt;

William Shatner: Ah rOb, you made it! Ok, it’s time to go now.
Silent rOb: *Grumble*

&lt;William Shatner turns on the bomb and sets it for 300 seconds. Then he leaves with silent rOb and the other extras&gt;

Frizzo the Clown: Damn, if only I had a computer I could turn it off by remote.
JBond: I wish I had a laptop.
Frizzo the Clown: Yeah...but don’t you mean a labtop?
JBond: ...I’m sorry, you said something about a computer.
Olorin: We’ve lost Bond.
JBond: Hey, we can use my pocket computer to shut it off by remote!

&lt;Superman attempts to slap his forehead but due to his hands being tied, he only twists his wrist&gt;

Superman: OW!

&lt;Bond takes out his computer with his teeth and places it on something nearby and attempts to type on it with his nose&gt;

FISABL BOMP

*BEEP*, Request Denied

DIDABLE BOB

*BEEP*, Request Denied

DISABLE ROB

*BEEP*, Access Granted

&lt;Silent rOb running behind William Shatner driving in the van again, spontaneously blows up&gt;

DISABLE BOMB

*BEEP*, Access Granted

&lt;The timer on the Bomb stops at 006&gt;

JBond: Dammit, I was too slow by ONE second!!
Superman: Maybe next time Bond, and now we just have to get out of here and catch up with Shatner.
Olorin: And thank you for stating the obvious!
Superman: Hey Bond, don’t you have a cutting device in your watch?
JBond: Um...sort of.
Superman: What do you mean “sort of”, if you have it, use it!
JBond: Well you see...I already used it in Live and Let Die! If I used it again it would be unoriginal!
thebtskink: Bond, I’m going to kill you as soon as you set me free!
JBond: Fine, I’ll do it. But DON’T tell anyone I use it!

&lt;JBond uses his cutting watch ONCE AGAIN to cut the ropes free and also sets the other guys free&gt;

Olorin: Alright, let’s go!

&lt;The heroes get into the taxi still with its lights on and finally get it started on the 5th try. They drive down the road at an incredible speed&gt;

Frizzo the Clown: Hey! There he is! I can see the Mini-van!

&lt;Superman pulls up in the cab and hits the mini-van from behind, but it’s no use, the car just has too good of handling!&gt;

Olorin: Hey Bond! Use the tank you said you could call over by using the phone!
JBond: Great idea, but you kicked the phone out of my hand, remember?!
Olorin: Oh yeah....sorry ‘bout that.
thebtskink: Here, use my cell phone to call it up.

&lt;JBond takes the phone, climbs up on top of the taxi&gt;

JBond: Ah, memories.

&lt;JBond throws the locator into the back window of the mini-van and gets back in and calls up the tank&gt;
&lt;Just then a train starts to go across the street ahead of them, Shatner speeds ahead and just makes it across, Superman is forced to stop&gt;

William Shatner: BWHAHAHA! So long suckers, you’ll NEVER catch me, haha!....uh oh.

&lt;An M1 Abrams tank comes down the street, hits a gas station causing to explode an then collides into Shatner’s van causing it to explode and be flattened&gt;

Olorin: Looha!!!
JBond: There are just too many 7-11’s in this city.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

&lt;The next day&gt;

Superman: Well, me and the rest of the gang finished returning all of the albums.
Mirko: You mean “The gang and I”!
Superman: ...right.
Mirko: Well, you were successful in accomplishing your objectives. But you made quite a mess! Two gas stations destroyed, a tank that no one can stop, a stolen taxi cab. And we keep getting calls from someone who claims to be Wayne Newton!
thebtskink: Well...when we returned all of the CD’s we destroyed the Milli Vanilli CD’s in each of the stores!
Mirko: Congratulations on a job well done! &lt;Mirko shakes everyone’s hand&gt;
JBond: Is there anything else we can do?
Mirko: Uh....yeah! You can go down to Starbucks and get me some coffee, and make it snappy!

Olorin: &lt;As they walk away&gt; You know, sometimes, I actually WISH for a national incident. Sure beats all of these chores.
Superman: That Shatner, what an idiot, he didn’t even take and of the world’s tape cassettes and LP’s.
thebtskink: What are those?

&lt;The group arrives at Starbucks and gets Mirko’s coffee. Frizzo’s cell phone rings&gt;

Frizzo the Clown: Hello.....oh damn!
JBond: What is it?!
Frizzo the Clown: They didn’t find William Shatner in the Mitsubishi mini-van rubble! He’s still out there...
Olorin: Al-RIGHT! &lt;Olorin smashes the coffee on the ground and they get into the same taxi cab and drive away&gt;

[ 10-19-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]

[slinger]

Don't forget to have Shatner farting.

[Link]

[quote]Originally posted by Jbond:
<strong>
Samuel L. Jackson: Welcome back to another edition of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I am your new host, Samuel L. Jackson. We are STILL waiting for this no talent loser to make up his MIND!!
Link: &lt;shaking&gt; I’m sorry....it’s just...you aren’t letting me see the answers!
Samuel L. Jackson: Dammit! ANY idiot can just guess the answers! But now you actually have to USE that lump inside that small head of yours and answer the mother f**king question!!!
Link: Is it ostrich!
Samuel L. Jackson: Is that your FINAL answer!?!
Link: .......no
Samuel L. Jackson: Son-of-a-B*TCH!!
&lt;Samuel L. Jackson rises violently from his chair, pulls out a gun, and walks over to Link&gt;
TECHNICAL DIFFICULITIES: PLEASE STAND BY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ </strong><hr></blockquote>

...Uh....ouch

Great stuff Bond!

[JBond]

Opps, I forgot the

THE END

[Frizzo the Clown]

Its true! Its true! I used to work for Shatner! I feel so ashamed! *sob* I'm sure after years of therapy, I'll be able to recover....

[Superman]

Great stuff JBond! It gave me a great laugh. :D

[Kyle Katarn]

[quote]Originally posted by JBond:
<strong>JBond: We need a vehicle!
Olorin: And keep Bond away from it!
Frizzo the Clown: What’s this about now?
thebtskink: Bond here blew up a gas station.
Frizzo the Clown: Oh.
thebtskink: And a car.
Frizzo the Clown: Ah!
thebtskink: At the same time.
Frizzo the Clown: Ouch!
JBond: Could of happened to anyone!

&lt;Wayne Newton walks out of the back door and notices Bond&gt;

Wayne Newton: There you are you little s**t! Get over here!
JBond: Uh-oh, we should be going now...let’s steal that parked car from across the street!

</strong><hr></blockquote>

ROTFLMAO!!!! :D :D :D

[Moe Szyslak]

This was a great story. The Keanue Reeves "bomb" incident. Godzilla's sign. Everything in the casino. It was all great...I'll really enjoy the next story.

[beemanbone]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Moe Szyslak:
<strong>It was all great...I'll really enjoy the next story.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Catching up on JBond's work, huh? Don't worry, I'm sure he'll make you a Mod soon enough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

[Moe Szyslak]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by beemanbone:
<strong>Catching up on JBond's work, huh? Don't worry, I'm sure he'll make you a Mod soon enough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey, I am not sucking up. I was just told these were good stories and that I should read them.

[beemanbone]

hehe :D

[JBond]

By....Olorin, yeah Olorin! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

[beemanbone]

Awesome fics, Jibbs. In fact, they are the best I've EVER read!

[Moe Szyslak]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by beemanbone:
<strong>Awesome fics, Jibbs. In fact, they are the best I've EVER read!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now who's sucking up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

[beemanbone]

I had some catching up to do. :p

[Con-Air]

Yes, JBond is God and his fics are ummm...... Godterrific. I noticed the Misc. Films Forum doesn't have a mod.........

[JBond]

That's so KIND of you, and about the no mod thing, I have a solution!...Can you send out these flyers so we can find one for that forum? Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

[beemanbone]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JBond:
<strong>...Can you send out these flyers so we can find one for that forum? Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">:D That's pretty dirty.

[Moe Szyslak]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JBond:
<strong>That's so KIND of you, and about the no mod thing, I have a solution!...Can you send out these flyers so we can find one for that forum? Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">&lt;Moe picks up one of the flyers that Jibbs dropped&gt;

Hey, they're looking for a new mod! Oh, it's only for the Misc. Film forum.

&lt;Moe drops the flyer back onto the floor&gt;

[JBond]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by beemanbone:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JBond:
<strong>...Can you send out these flyers so we can find one for that forum? Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">:D That's pretty dirty.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nah, Con-Air and I have this mutual understanding and we insult each other, but we both know the other doesn't really mean any harm.

That could have been anyone who put that bomb in my car.

[Con-Air]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JBond:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by beemanbone:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JBond:
<strong>...Can you send out these flyers so we can find one for that forum? Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">:D That's pretty dirty.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nah, Con-Air and I have this mutual understanding and we insult each other, but we both know the other doesn't really mean any harm.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Con-Air: I'll kill you!!! (runs at JBond with a shovel but is clotheslined in the throat by beemanbone)

Beemanbone: Does this belong to you JBond?

Jbond: Eh, just throw him in the pen with Madness.

[beemanbone]

Wow, you two really love each other.

[Tardumb]

Haha!! This part was great too! I'm headin over to read Revenge of the Nerd now...Awesome stuff! :D

[JBond]

Ahh, a trilogy.