The CS! Posters' St.Patrick's Day George Walker Bush Style Drinking Bash

[slinger]

Three years ago the Community Forum was home to this. I've done a few edits to the story for the anniversary.

Written over a peroid of I guess two months. With some editted work written before posting and just some stuff off the top of my head. The story turned out this way because no one else posted. The product is still great.

The story starts off on Monday March 12 2001. It will continue throughout the week until March 18. Read on to see what has happend.


CS! Posters’ 4th Holiday Related Event

The Coming Soon! Posters’ St.Patrick’s Day
George Walker Bush Style Drinking Bash

The following events take place in a alternate universe since, in the other one,
Earth and its inhabitants died (except Superman[the poster not the man], Bizzaro
Superman [the man not the poster], Bigfoot, Joan Rivers, Bill Gates, The NASA astromen orbiting space, four Kebler elves, parts of Cher, Dinosaur DNA from INgen, Walt Disney’s pickled body and Al Gore) in a bizarre phenomenon.

Monday, March 11, 2001
Coming Soon! Office Building
MMMM - Monday Morning Moderator Meeting

All the CS! Mods gather in the Monday Morning Meeting Room. Various movie
posters are found on the walls for the upcoming movies found on CS! The room has a James Bond Villain feel to it. All the mods are sitting impatiently, for Mirko to enter the room.

JBond: [who is still in his ‘Goldfinger’ PJ’s] Yawn. Where is Mirko?
Olorin: [who has a bruised left eye] You guys watch ‘What About Bob’ last night, on TBS?
Superman: That is on like every two days!!
Olorin: Really? Never knew that.
slinger: Hey! How about ‘The Lone Gunmen’?
dubloth: Another great show. I hope Fox doesn’t cancel it.
bbf2: I didn’t see it. I was.... watching ..... porno.
Superman: You didn’t watch porno, bbf2! You were at my house playing spin the bott...
Pagz: So you guys played spin the bottle. Which girls?
bbf2: Ummm...

Quickly Superman walks towards the watercooler and gets some water. He watches bbf2 trying to convince the others that ‘good looking’ girls were over at his place. He crumples up the paper cup. He drops it and then walks out. He flies up into space and starts flying around Earth ala ‘Superman:The Movie’. Then he flies back to the planet. He enters the CS! Mod Office Building. He is back ten minutes before he left. He sees himself ten minutes ago walking towards the MMMMR.

Superman: Oh crap! What to do?
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: I wonder if I’m the first one here?

He uses his X-Rays to peer in the MMMMR. He sees Olorin and Superman’s secretary getting it on.

Superman Ten Minutes Ago: That b*tch!! And my secretary!! Hey wait a tick.

Superman Ten Minutes Ago notices with his X-Ray Vision sees his future self hiding behind a bronze statue of Brian from ‘Life of Brian’ on a cross.

Superman Ten Minutes Ago: Hmmm... this reeks of time travel complications.

9 Minutes Later.

JBond: [who is still in his ‘Goldfinger’ PJ’s] Yawn. Where is Mirko?
Olorin: [who has a bruised right eye] You guys watch ‘What About Bob’ last night, on TBS?
Superman: That is on like every two days!!
Olorin: Really? Never new that.
slinger: Hey! How about ‘The Lone Gunmen’?
Superman: YEAH! That was a great episode! One of the best ever!

Bbf2 gives Superman a confused look.

dubloth: That was only the second episode.
Superman: Really?
Pagz: Anyway, has anyone noticed that, that new poster has been causing trouble.
JBond: Yeah, lets screw with him and ban him for a couple of days.
slinger & dubloth: Fine with me.
Olorin: But he posts in LOTR! He and me are the only ones who have posted in the last week, with positive pots and anything related to LOTR. [Remember alternate universe]

Silence covers the MMMMR.

Neils: Where is Mirko?

We see Mirko stalled in the McDonald’s Drive Thru. The constant sound off honking is heard.

Mirko: Bloody Dodge Dart!
Drive Thru Guy: Here’s your BLT Bagel Meal.
Mirko: Thank you! What is that odd noise I heard when I was ordering? Huh?... What are you killing, pigs in the back and putting them in the meals? Very loud whatever you're doing.
Drive Thru Guy: Well not pigs. I think its some kind of land rodent.

Mirko drops the bag onto the concrete.

Mirko: Thanks.

Mirko looks at his Mega Countdown Watch. [Spider-Man, Episode II, John Tesh on Conan, Fire Olorin] He sees the actual time.

Mirko: I’m late for the meeting! Well the hell with this.

He grabs some binders and magazines, the dice on the dashboard, and his autographed picture of him and Chevy Chase. He takes all the stuff and heads to the trunk. A shot is fired and hits one of the tires. Mirko stares back.

Mirko: You missed again Heston!
Heston: I’ll get you tomorrow you little punk!
Mirko: You got it!
Heston: I’m still three for seven. [Mirko rubs his shoulder] Give my regards to slinger, on his fine work!
Mirko: I’ll do that.

Mirko opens up his trunk a gathers some film reels from the back.

Mirko: Hey Chuck, can I get a ride?

Heston, who is riding a black horse, trots up to Mirko.

Heston: Get on. But don’t hold me.

Mirko climbs up onto the horse.

Heston: Lets go Implement Of War!

Implement of War rides over the Dodge Dart and onto the street.

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Mirko is running down the halls of the CS! Office Building. He passes buy the janitor who is mopping the floor.

Mirko: Good work Kev. Theres a shiny 10 pence for you when you’re done.
Kevin Rogele: Yes, master.

Mirko enters the loud MMMMR.

Mirko: Sorry, I’m late guys. The new car stalled on me at McDonald’s again.
JBond: That happens every week.
Mirko: I know. Don’t worry, one day I will be on time. Patience.

Mirko looks and finds egg yolk on his leather seat. He looks up.

Pagz: I wanted to show Niels my egg trick.
Mirko: So what did I miss?
Superman: Well we decided to take Friday, Saturday and Sunday off.
Mirko: Why?
Superman: St.Patrick’s Day.
Mirko: St.Patrick’s Day?
dubloth: St.Patrick’s Day.
Mirko: St.Patrick’s Day?
slinger: Is there a echo in here?
slinger’s echo: Is there a echo in here?
Olorin: We are taking three days off, since we’re going to get faced.
bbf2: I thought blottoed.
dubloth: I thought we’d all get ripped.
JBond: I thought it was buzzed.
Olorin: Whatever the case, we’re going to get intoxicated.
Mirko: I don’t think so.
slinger: George Walker Bush Intoxicated.
Mirko: Count me in.

For some reason the CS! Theme Music starts.

Pagz: Whoops. I pressed the wrong button.

A beeping is heard.

Olorin: What’s that?

Mirko looks at his wrist.

Mirko: Pack your things Olorin, you’re fired.

The Opening Credits

THE COMING SOON! POSTERS’ ST.PATRICK’S DAY
GEORGE W. BUSH STYLE DRINKING BASH

A CS! Community Topic © 2001
Starring

The Mod Squad:
bbf2 > dubloth > JBond > Niels > Olorin(well kinda)
Pagz > slinger > Superman > Superman Ten Minutes Ago
& Mirko

Kevin Roegele < Theta < thebtsink < Jedi Knight < Reader

with
Charlton Heston, George W. Bush, Al Gore, John Travolta, Nicole Kidman, & 'Quantum Leap''s Sam & Al

Writers
slinger, Theta, Olorin

Based On A Concept Created By slinger

Supe’s Office

There is a sign outside Superman’s office. It reads: B*tches Wanted.

Superman: Next!

A woman crawls from under Superman’s desk. She walks out. In comes Superman Ten Minutes Ago.

Superman: What are you doing here?
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: Helping us, pick the right b*tch. I still can’t believe Veronica would go for Olorin.
Superman: Veronica? Her name was Geena. Veronica is the name of the maid.
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: Really? The only way I remember them is from their...

JBond walks in. Superman From Ten Minutes Ago hides behind the open door.

JBond: How goes the seceretary search? (Superman knods with a ‘pretty good’ look on his face) We’re ordering lunch. What do you want? Pizza Hut, Red Lobster or the CS! Mod Meal?

Superman Ten Minutes Ago makes a jesture to get Red Lobster by being a crab. Superman sees this.

Superman: I’ll go for the Mod Meal. This week they have life size Michelle Phieffer dolls in the meal.

Superman Ten Minutes Ago gives him a stern look. Superman laughs.

JBond: What are you laughing at? Do I have dandruf again?
Superman: No. I was just remembering something I saw on Leno on Friday.

Slinger walks buy. He stands by the doorway.

slinger: Chin Boy sucks! And he wasn’t on Friday! Dateline is now on Friday's in Leno’s slot.

Slinger walks off. JBond with a confused look, looks at Superman who is smiling. JBond turns around and sees Superman Ten Minutes Ago hiding behind his cape.

JBond: Not again! I thought we told you no more cloning!
Superman: But I’m so good looking. Besides I didn’t clone this time. I learned my lesson.

We see a People magazine in the garbage bin outside the CS! Building. The Main Headline reads: David Schwimmer’s Exact Double found in Jerome, Arizona. Kevin Rogele throws some Jar Jar Binks crap and a bag containing Oscars on top of it.

Superman: It was from a time travel incident.
JBond: I thought you learned your time travel lesson from last time.

Kevin throws more movie merchandise into the garbage bin along with a Time magazine with the headline: Man of the Year, and picture of George W. Bush on it.

Superman Ten Minutes Ago: That was not my fault! But anyway from what I was told from myself, it was a harmless atempt to protect mine and bbf2’s reputation.
JBond: What I am I going to do?
Superman: Well for starters, we will have to make sure you know who is who.

Superman walks up to a filing cabinet. He opens it up. It is full of Sharpie pens of all sorts. He picks up the biggest one. He gives a wink to JBond. JBond knods. He pulls out a Kryptonite quarter that was secretly sealed inside his shoe. He places it on Superman Ten Minutes Ago’s shoulder. He slowly falls to the ground. He lies in a little pain. Superman takes the Sharpie marker and draws a Hitler moustache on Superman Ten Minutes Ago’s face.

Superman Ten Minutes Ago: VILE FIEND! (He pulls out a concealed mirror.) Kinda looks like a porn mustache. This could be good. Here give me that.

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Superman hands him the Sharpie marker. Superman Ten Minutes Ago makes some adjustments to his fake facial hair. As soon as he is done he jumps on top of Superman and tries to draw on his face. The two struggle.

Jbond: Well you guys finish this up, and I’ll see you later.

JBond walks out and sees Olorin pushing the mail cart. Olorin is not pleased with his new job. He walks up to JBond with the schreeching cart.

Olorin: Don’t even say anything!
Jbond: You know, I could ask Mirko to give back your job. Maybe not mod at LOTR. (Olorin is kind of interested in what he hears) Maybe ‘Pearl Harbor’.
Olorin: ‘PEARL HARBOR’?! That will be out in two months! That is if the forum can last that long!!
Jbond: Take it or leave my friend.
Olorin: ...... Alright!! But you better make sure I get LOTR after ‘Pearl Harbor’ is gone.
Jbond: My Playboy, in there?

Olorin hands him the Playboy and some other mail. He pushes the cart away and heads for dubloth’s office.

JBond: Why is the plastic covering already opened? And why are some of the pages stuck together?

dubloth’s Office

Dubloth is sitting in his totally covered in shag carpeting office, sitting at four computers on the internet. He has a head set on. He is wearing a T-Shirt with Sophie Marceau on it kissing dubloth. It is an obvious fake. Olorin squeaks by his office.

dubloth: Hey Olorin! Guess who is in the building?
Olorin: Elvis?
dubloth: The Rock.
Olorin: Ugh. Are you sure? I didn’t see him.
dubloth: Well I’m reading on... (he turns to a iMac) Coming Soon!, that he is visiting right now.
Olorin: Really? Hmmm.. I don’t care for ‘The Mummy Returns’ or WWF, but it would be cool to meet him. Maybe he can show me some moves to use on you guys when we go to brawl at bars. I’ll’ go find slinger. Probably at his office since he
(does air quotes) likes The Rock.

Olorin leaves not giving dubloth his mail.

dubloth: (shaking head) Still using air quotes. Tsk tsk. Hey? Where’s my mail?

Slinger is at the Powerade vending machine talking to Pagz. Olorin who is now sweating, pulls up to the two.

Pagz: Finally, the mail. anything Star Wars?
Olorin: Your latest issue of Star Wars Insider, for the both of you. Hey slinger, did you see The Rock here?
slinger: The Rock here? Yeah, whatever.
Olorin: No I’m serious. It is on the site. Said he is here.
slinger: Well I haven’t seen him.
Pagz: I haven’t. I’ve spent all day practicing my egg trick.
Olorin: Well, he is here. We just have to look for him. Now if the three of us split up, the odds are with us. I’ll take the floors one to two. Pagz you can search floors three to five. Slinger you can take six to nine.
Pagz: Wait. Why do you get the easiest ones?
Olorin: I’m the mail guy! I have to deliver the mail to everyone.
slinger: But all the offices are on the first floor. Everyone works on the first floor. In fact, I don’t even know what is on floors four to nine.
Pagz: What is on floor three?

Slinger stares at Olorin.

slinger: Could you go over there (pointing to a life size fake T. Rex from ‘Jurassic Park’). Moderator discussion only.

Olorin: I’ve only been a mail guy for forty minutes!

Slinger stares at him. Olorin walks away in frustration. He walks up to the T. Rex. He sees Pagz and slinger talk. Olorin looks at the mail cart. He opens some packages and letters. Nothing that interested him. He picks up box from the pile. He opens it. He discovers that it is a bomb. The time left reads: 00:00:00:17. Olorin spontaneously runs under the T. Rex and throws the bomb up the T. Rex’s ass. It lodges in it. Olorin pushes the mail cart away. He screams as he runs away. Pagz and slinger look at him, with a puzzled look on their faces. The mail cart slams into the Powerade machine.

Olorin: BOMB IN THE REX!!!

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Slinger and Pagz push/pull the Powerade machine down. They push it to the side and hide behind from it. Olorin jumps on top of them. BOOMAKGIAH!!! A explosion comes from the T. Rex’s ass. Shrapnel and debris fly everywhere. The T. Rex collapses. For some reason a lot of dust surrounds the hallway. Some coughing and muttering are heard through the dust. Some coins being put in the Powerade machine are heard. Then a button being pressed, and a bottle falling out. The dust clears.

Olorin: .... Crap. I just saved CS! and two of its moderators.

Slinger opens his Powerade.

Pagz: What flavor is that?
slinger: Scottish Syrup. I got the machine freshly stocked with unique flavors for the special week.
Pagz: What does it taste like?
Olorin: Haggis?
slinger: Basically Drambuie with a hint of cherry.

Mirko, JBond, Superman and dubloth arrive.

Mirko: What the hell happened? My T. Rex is destroyed!!
Olorin: &lt;whispers to slinger&gt; Watch me get my mod job back. &lt;regularvoice&gt; Well I looked at a box in the mail pile, and I.... noticed a ticking coming from the box, so I quickly ahh... opened the box to s-see if it was a bomb. It was!
So my instincts told me to lob it into the dino’s rectum! I saved slinger, Pagz and this very building.
Mirko: MORON!! Slinger, Pagz and this building can be replaced!! That dinosaur can’t!! They only made five of them!!! That cost me a whole year’s salary!!
I had to live with JBond for a year!! No offense J. You are being demoted.
Olorin: WHAT?!
Mirko: Your new position is....

Kevin looks on in anticipation.

Mirko: ...door greeter.
Superman: Are you sure you want a face like that to greet people?
Mirko: It worked when Keanu Reeves interned here.

JBond shudders on remembering when Keanu Reeves worked at CS!

~Flashback to one year~

We see the CS! Building. It has it’s old logo from long ago, outside. It doesn’t look as good as it does now. A man opens the front door, and walks in. He walks up to Keanu Reeves who is spinning around on his chair.

Man: Hello, my name is Niels. I saw a add for moderator in the Daily Dutch News. Where do I apply and see.... Mirko?

Keanu stops spinning.

Keanu Reeves: Whoa. Head rush. That fellow can be found over yonder. (pointing to the right) Oh here have a free Dogstar CD.
Niels: Umm, thanks.

Keanu nods.

Keanu Reeves: Don’t mention it.

Niels walks away and has a ‘get away from him’ look on his face. He walks over to a garbage bin and throws out the CD. Keanu starts spinning again.

Keanu Reeves: WHEEEE!

~End flashback~

Mirko: Anyway, did you guys meet The Rock?
slinger: We never saw him.

The others nod in agreement.

Mirko: How could you not miss him? You work here!


After Lunch

Bbf2 walks up to his office. He brings out his key and opens the door and turns on the lights. He sees Superman Ten Minutes Ago sleeping on his couch.

bbf2: I don’t believe this. Hmmm.. seems someone has been drawing on Supe’s face.

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Bbf2 wakes up Superman Ten Minutes Ago.

bbf2: What are you doing here? You have you...

Bbf2's cell phone rings. He pulls it out. And starts to talk.

bbf2: Hello. This is him. No? Really? Whoaho. Right bye. (turns to a yawning Superman Ten Minutes Ago) Something big is up, nextdoor at SMH. I'm going over.
Superman Ten Minutes Ago Okay. I'll stay here.
bbf2: You do that.

Bbf2 waits for Superman Ten Minutes Ago to leave his office. He notices that his couch is soaked in urine.

bbf2: I'll tend to that when I get back.
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: I'm going to check my e-rotic mail.

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[Olorin]

Wait... how did bbf2 see the urine, if he was the one that was going to be leaving? bbf2 was going to leave, and then Superman said he'd stay. The opposite happened. Am I missing a joke?

[Theta]

:::Theta enters, carrying six kegs, two crates of absinthe, and, of course, a ton of firearms and ammunition.:::

Let's go kick Harry Knowles' FAT RED-HAIRED ASS!!!
YEEEE-HAAAAA!

(Do you think this'll get me banned from the AICN TalkBack boards? http://www.comingsoon.net/ubb/wink.gif )

[slinger]

sorry ~ Superman Ten Minutes Ago was going to stay at CS! and not go over to see whats up at SMH. ~ didn't make it clear enough

[Superman]

I like Superman Ten Minutes Ago more than Bizzaro Superman, he's a wacky bad ass!

[slinger]

Bbf2 walks up to slinger, JBond and Superman who are standing outside the SMH building. The three looked worried.

bbf2: Superman? How the hell did you get here? Why is your face all clean now?

JBond and Superman have a 'oh crap' look on thier faces. Superman taps slinger on the shoulder and makes little hand jesture signify that bbf2 has got into the whiskey.

slinger: Okay whatever, bbf2. We have a bigger problem. Some Scienctology members brainwashed Mirko, and took everyone at SMH hostage.
bbf2: How do you know?
JBond: [pointing] Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that John Travolta's jet? And one of Tom Cruise's children chained to the jet?
bbf2: Holy *****, Batman! I mean Superman! Whatever shall we do?
Superman:Well first, we have determine what is the purpose of doing this.
slinger: Purpose??? They're Scienctologists!!! They're nut cases!!! No one knows what they do or why they do what they do!
JBond: Did that make sense? Oh God!! It didn't!!! YOU ARE ONE OF THEM!!!
bbf2:&lt;whispers&gt; He's Canadian.
JBond: Never mind then.
slinger: Well lets get some work done!

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

JBond: Quick! To the Coming Soon! Lighthouse!
bbf2: But that place smells like seagulls!
JBond: I know, and its not even near water!

Cut to The CS! Lighthouse, situated on 4th and Fermor.
Superman is pacing. He has a cigarette in his mouth.

Superman: This isn't happening!
slinger: Calm down, Supes. Have a b*tch.
Superman: Your right. I'll phone dubloth and ask to send four over.

Picks up phone. Dials.

slinger: Do you think we should've told dubloth, Pagz, Niels and Olori.. whoops force of habit. Should tell them whats up.
bbf2: They might panic. Make the them kill some people.
slinger: Who, Pagz and Niels will kill people or Cruise and Travolta will kill some people?
bbf2: Its more of a coin toss.
Superman: Shh! Hey, dubee! How are you?
dubloth: Oh I am fine Superman! I fell great!!
Superman: ......What is that I hear in the backround?

dubloth: Oh just watching [turns to TV with 'Battlefield Earth' on it, but when we see it it is all censored] 'Mad City'.
Superman: [hand on phone] Who was in 'Mad City'?
JBond: Dustin Hoffman.
slinger:Ted Livine.
bbf2: Alan Alda.
Superman: [mouths] Oh, no.
JBond, bbf2, slinger: Travolta!
JBond: They've gotten dubloth!!

Superman: Ah, anyway dubloth, the four of us are leaving the country and are going to buy beer in Austrailia, since its cheaper and we need beer for the bash, so we thought why not Canada? But slinger was all I've been there, lets go down under, cause he thought it would be cheaper, but then JBond said you moron the plane tickets would cost a fortune. Then slinger said we'll call it a business trip and won't have to pay for it at all, which would be cool since we'd go all out. But then I wanted to bring my ladies with me, and then we got in this whole debate that turned into a fight and bbf2 ended up in the hospital and Conan O'Brien stopped by to visit bbf2, so we stayed and chated and well we're off to Canberra!

Superman hangs up the phone.

JBond: Could you do a worse 'Goodbye we don't suspect you'?
Superman: Yes. [just picks up phone.] Hello Bill. I know what you are doing! Bye![hangs up phone]
bbf2: You've been hanging with slinger too much.
JBond: Okay, we've seen 'The Matrix'. You saw how they got Morpheus out. Pure artillary! That's what we need.
slinger: I can call in a favor.

Slinger saunters over to the phone. Starts dialing.

Superman: Five bucks says its 'Neo'.
bbf2: &lt;whispers to JBond&gt; I thought you had a talk with him on what's real and not real.
slinger: Hello? Hey! Yeah well thank you. Is Big C there? Can I speak to him please.
bbf2: Big C?
Superman: Clinton!

Slinger shakes his head as he waits for Big C.

Big C: Hello. Who is... speaking.
slinger: Its me, slinger. Remember that favor you owe me? I'm calling it in.
Big C: Slinger in need? Well you can count on me, Charlton Heston.
slinger: We need guns. Lots of guns.
Heston: Well I'll rush them over and teach you guys how to use them.
slinger: I think we're capable of handling it.

Slinger sees JBond and bbf2 rush to Superman. Superman has shoved a pen up his nose with blood and ink spewing out.

slinger: Well maybe just a few instructions.

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Meanwhile back at CS!...

Olorin and Theta are sitting in the front lobby, drinking their third keg.

Olorin: So ... then I said, 'Kiss my ass. I'll see Crouching Tigger, Hiding Dragqueen for the 19th time if I want to! [takes a sip] Then they ki-kicked me out.
Theta: Whoa! I gotta make a movie, abno, anoo, about that.

Theta collapses and hits his head on a keg.

Olorin: Heh heh.

Dubloth walks up to Olorin.

dubloth: Hey, where did Mirko go?
Olorin: There. [poining to Theta]
dubloth: You are the worst, Door Greeter ever!!
Olorin: Worse than Keanu?
dubloth: [very coarse] Worse than Keanu.
Olorin: You just crossed the line. Now I'll have to go Kung-Fu on your poor ass!

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Back over at the CS! Lighthouse...

Heston: I brought a friend that could help you punks. As you know, I'm to old to save internet sites.
JBond: You're never too old. I mean you tried to save Pets.com, but you didn't get any backup.
Heston: Damn hippies. But anyway, George get in here!
George W. Bush: I'm sorry couldn't find my way up here.
bbf2: You open the door and follow the only set of stairs and you arrive here.

Bush: Well it was hard. Uncle Charlton tells me you boys are in need of some serious ammo?
JBond: Yes.
Bush: Cool. Finally something I'm needed for. But inlight of the recent school shootings that have taken place, I'm going have to ask you to use rubber bullets.
Heston: ....Rubber bullets? George you really are a Grade A Boob.
bbf2: Hey, who cares how we take the Scientologists down.
Superman: Yeah your right.
bbf2: Well of course.

Bbf2 walks to the other side of the lighthouse as Heston starts insulting Bush. He walks up to Al from Quantum Leep.

bbf2/Sam: So Al, I did it right? I stopped them from using bullets? Everything will go alright and I can leap now?
Al: Well not exactly.

Slinger sees bbf2 talking to the wall.

slinger: Who is he talking to?

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Al: Well that Heston guy might bring some bullets, so you have to make sure you stop him.
bbf2/Sam: You better be right Hal.

Bbf2 walks back, while Hal lights another cigar.

Heston: You know, that Cruise guy might carry a gun with bullets. Are you going to stop him with some jubes-jubes?
Bush: We have Superman here. He can stop the bullets.
Superman: Actually Mr.President, I'm not the real Superman.
Bush: What? Crazy talk. Your crazy. Like that horsey.
Superman: No I made a deal with the Devil.
Heston: Uh, good man.

Superman: He made me have most of the comic book character Superman's powers and my good looks.
Heston: Doesn't the Devil get something in return?
Superman: Oh, I lost my intelligence. So by becoming stupidier with the powers that I have is a pure equation for bad things.
Bush: Cool. I made a deal with the Devil. I got a bigger house, and M&M's in special boxes. Want some?
slinger: Oooh! Air Force One M&M's. Got any Canada Dry?
Bush: Can.. Cana.. Canadah Dry? I have some Mexican stuff.
JBond: Well the helicopters are all fueled up! Lets go!

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[JBond]

Ok slinger, I just read the whole thing. I thought there were some pretty funny stuff in it! (I especially liked the T-Rex part!) Well anyway, I kind of read this in hope that you will read my story that I'm working on when I finish in a few days. It's pretty long and I will release it in parts each day or so.

[slinger]

Well I won't read yours. j/k Whats one of your weaknesses if you have one? I'm just spontaniously posting once I get an idea to add onto the story.

[JBond]

You mean a weakness in my story? I don't know, you can tell me when I'm done! http://www.comingsoon.net/ubb/wink.gif

[slinger]

No personally. Something that might you might not be scared off but...

[JBond]

Oh ok, I can't swim very well!

[slinger]

The two helicopters fly towards the CS! Building and SMH! Building. The two fly around the two side-by-side buildings.

JBond: [who is flying Helicopter One] Everything looks normal. Slinger, put on the infared.
slinger: Infared on!

Slinger looks on.

slinger: Okay, it appears Theta, dubloth and Olorin are unconsious. They're in the front lobby. I can't see Tech, cause he's all sealed up in his protective Office Orbe. Kevin is stealing money from Olorin's wallet. I can't see anything at SMH. The Scientologists are using some Scientology technology that I ain't seen before. Niels and Pagz seem to be not present. The gondala is not in use.

JBond: Perfect. Bbf2, Heston and Bush you guys go through the CS! Building and take the gondala to SMH! Me, Superman and slinger will land on the roof of the SMH Building.
Superman: &lt;whispers to JBond&gt; Where do you think Superman Ten Minutes Ago went?

Down below a pink Cadillac drives by with the license plate: IBPIMPN. Superman Ten Minutes Ago is in his pimp attire and has some b*tches with him.

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Bbf2's helicopter crashed in the side of the CS! Building.

bbf2: I hope this doesn't come out of my salary.
Heston: And they say rifles are dangerous. All you moderators are pure danger.
Bush: Cool. I'm still alive. For a minute there I thought D*ick Cheney was going to outlive me.
bbf2: Did we salvage any weapons and gadgets?
Heston: All that we can use is, this dental floss, some Air Force One diapers...
Bush: Only the best.

Heston: ...two Civil War swords or sabres, a blue Nintendo 64 controller and the five handguns strapped on my legs. Oh my sawwed-off shotgun.
bbf2: That seems like enough. All we have to do is take the gondala and then head to the secure the lower levels.
Bush: How long is this going to take? Digimon will be coming on soon and my Pappy will be wondering where I went without the Sceret Service.

Heston: Well considering that they are unrelenting Scientology worshipping b*astards, this shouldn't take more than fifteen minutes. Then I can head home and watch 'The Price Is Right' that I tapped this morning, have some apple sauce, shoot off a few thousand rounds and head to bed at six.
bbf2: Bed at six? Sounds like a plan!

On top of the SMH! Building...

JBond did a very professional landing on top of the greenhouse.

Superman: Talk about a pruning. HA HA HA.
JBond: Very funny. If you hadn't sprayed sunscreen all over the place, this wouldn't happen.
slinger: Damn thorns! This CS! jacket is ruined.
JBond: When did Mirko start selling those?
slinger: He didn't. Me and Olorin have been running a little underground CS! Merchandise business for about three months now. It brings in the bacon.

The three gather the "supplies" and head for the door.

JBond: Speaking of bacon, what's the difference between bacon and Canadian bacon?
slinger: Well you see, Canadian bacon...

Out of the blue, 'Battlefield Earth' merchandise starts rains upon the three moderators. They are hammered with VHS tapes, DVDs, action figures, soap, candy, clothing, posters, backpacks, cardboard standup things, books, toboggans, jackets, shoes, sandals, packs of cards, gum, pecils, pens, vibrators, Taco Bell kids meal toys, clocks, CDs, watches, Slurpee cups, collector cups, plates, puzzles, colouring books, paint sets, towels, frisbees, balls and Limited Addition Autographed statuettes.

JBond: Ahhh! Crap! Its a plague!!
Superman: Why is there so many?!! AHH My eye!!
slinger: This must be the all of crap that they never sold. OHHK!
Superman: We'll be here, ahh!, for a long time. Damn frisbees!

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Finally the monsoon of merchandise ends. JBond, Superman and slinger are covered by all the 'Battlefield Earth' crap. Superman finally knocks all the stuff off and stands up.

Superman: Funny. The weatherman said we'd have light down pours of crap at night. Never trust a weatherman.

JBond and slinger slowly rise.

Superman: AHH! Life sive dolls!! Oh, wait its just JBond and slinger.
slinger: What a riot. Everyone alright?

The two moderators nod. JBond looks to the sky.

JBond: Just how did that happen? Well we must proceed on.

Superman rips the door off. He chucks it over the building. The door lands on top of MarvelReader who pushing a shopping cart of Steven Segal's K-Mart Brand of clothing.

The three walk down. JBond pushes a spider-web out of the way.

JBond: I hope that's for effect and not laziness.
Superman: Smells like peanut butter and Pine-Sol.
slinger: I never get used to that smell.

The three have come to the end of the staircase. JBond pushes the door.

JBond: Well here goes....

Meanwhile at the CS!/SMH! Gondala....

bbf2: Now how do we start this thing.
Heston: Putz. You press the button that says start.

Heston presses the start button. The gondala slowly starts to move with a terrible screech. Some 'gondala music' starts.

Bush: Hey, what's over there Uncle Charlton?
Heston: Hell if I know.
bbf2/Sam: Um, I think that's where Malice's office is. &lt;whispers&gt; Am I right Al?
Al: Of course you are.
Bush: Cool. Let's go see him.
Heston: We're on a frickin' shedule.
bbf2: You say shedule? I say schedule.

Bush runs towards tech's office. He runs across one of the security beams. BLLLURRM!! BLLLURRRM! BLURRMMMM! A blue light starts doing a sweep thing.

bbf2/Sam: What the hell is happening?!!
Al: El Presidente just just set of the alarm.

Heston looks on. He grabs his sawwed-off and a hand gun.

bbf2: So what's going to happen?

Al is finding out.

Al: It doesn't look good.
Recording of Mirko's Voice: You have had a few seconds to leave. Now those dart shooting wall things from 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', arrow shooting Ewoks from 'Return of the Jedi' and replica Mini-Mes from 'Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me' equipped with pistols will fire upon you. They will have to charge for a few seconds. Do you know what's coming?

Quickly panels from the walls slide and reveal the securtiy weapons Mirko mentioned. Bbf2 walks up to Heston and puts a hand on his shoulder.

bbf2: [paniced look] We're all going to die.
Heston: Get your stinking paw off me you damn dirty ape!
Bush: I dun bad huh, Uncle Charlton?
Heston: You have know idea.

Heston tosses Bush the blue N64 controller and a Air Force One diaper.

bbf2/Sam: Can I have one of those diapers two?
Recording of Mirko's Voice: They're charged and ready....

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Heston: Sure. These things look more snug than my Depends.
Al: Alright here they come!!!

Poison darts, arrows and bullets start ricoet off the floors and walls. An arrow goes through Bush's arm.

Bush: WAHHHHHH!!!! UNCLE CHARLTONN!!! BOO-BOOO!!!
Heston: [who is shooting the Mini-Mes] Shut up and do something!!

Heston blows up a Mini-Me.

Bush takes his injured arm to cover his face while using his other arm starts swinging the N64 controller. It hits bbf2 in the back of the head. Bbf2 falls down. Bush lets go of the controller. The controller swings in the air. It bounces bullets off the casing. The controller smashes through some of the dart shooting wall things.

Bush: YEAH!!!! I WIN!!

Heston jumps on top of him, knocking him down saving him from some arrows.

Heston: Good work. Now shut-up and stay out of trouble. Here.

Heston hands him a hand gun.

Bush: But these aren't rubber bullets in the thing.

Heston chucks his empty sawwed-off at a Ewok. The Ewok falls down and is imobolized.

bbf2: .....Wuux? Hey! The door! Someone opened the door! Quick!!
Heston picks up Bush and carries him like a baby. Bbf2 and the other two dodge the darts, arrows and bullets and head for the door. They enter the door and close it.

bbf2: &lt;panting&gt;&lt;panting&gt; Who opened... the... door?
Voice: I did.

A dark figure is seen. The bbf2 looks on in amazement. Bush looks on in puzzlement. Heston doesn't care.

bbf2/Sam: Jedi Knight! Man, do we need you now.

Back at SMH.....

Slinger, Superman and JBond are now on floor five. They see someone by the open vending machine. The person is putting new Scientology products in the machine. Slinger walks up and picks up a bag of chips.

slinger: Hubbard's Hickory Sticks?
Vending Machine Guy: Hey, wanna put those down.
JBond: Holy washed up actor, Superman! It's Tony Danza!
Tony Danza: So what if I'm washed up? You have a funkin' problem with that?
Superman: I thought you were doing okay on 'Family Law'?
Danza: Yeah, well they write me out in the season finale, so I found this new gig.
slinger: Working for the Scientologist Terrorists?
Danza: Yeah. The pay is good.

Someone taps JBond on the back of the shoulder. JBond turns around.

John Travolta: You should see the dental plan.

Travolta punches JBond in the face and he flies into one of the vending machines.

Superman: I like your costume Travolta. You could lose the nipples.

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Travolta: Well I think they're excellent.

Travolta feels his nipples. Everyone looks in disgust, except Tony Danza.

Travolta: Bring JBond to the water tank. See if he's really as good a swimmer as he say he is.
JBond: I'm a terrible swimmer. Honest. I even have a bumper sticker that humourously states that I can't swim. Go check my Dodge Caravan.
Superman: Really he does.
Travolta: Maybe the sharks will help him. MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Danza drags JBond off to a far away room.

Travolta: Let us walk.

Superman and slinger shrug and start walking with Travolta.

Travolta: It has come to my attention that you, Superman,have similar powers to the comic bouk character of the same name.
Superman: And twice the sex appeal than the German porn star with the same name. Jiberg Supermanz.
Travolta: Well it would be pretty easy to defeat slinger. A few kicks and punches and he's down.

Out of nowhere, Lisa Marie kicks slinger in the groin, punches him in the stomach, knees him in the face and pushes him to the ground.

Superman: Nice work.
Lisa Marie: Well thank
you. Say do you want to sit down and ...talk?
Superman: Well sure. You must have lots to talk about. Lots of interesting things. You're a scientist.

Lisa Marie laughs. The two walk in a nearby door and sit down on the round bed in the center of the room. Travolta goes off in the backround.

Lisa Marie: Say, you've had a hard day being a moderator. Why don't I give you a back rub?
Superman: Why don't we have sex instead?
Lisa Marie: [suprised] ...Okay [looks over to Travolta and knods] why don't we do that.

Superman smothers her with his kissing. Lisa Marie pushes away.

Superman: What? Too much tongue?
Lisa Marie: Yes. I could feel it touch my ugalla thing. The hangy thing in the back of throat.

Superman looks around.

Superman: Um, we're still not having relations.

Lisa Marie: Sorry. Do you have any protection?
Superman: Protection? I'm Superman!!
Lisa Marie: Wouldn't that make you more potent?
Superman: Well I guess you're right. I don't have any.
Lisa Marie: John has some I think.
Superman: Hey John!! Get your ass in here!!

Superman smiles at Lisa. Travolta walks in.

Travolta: Yes I do have condoms.
Superman: But I didn't ask you if you had any? .....Are you spying on us?
Travolta: That can be discussed later once you two are done. Please start. I'll go get them.

Travolta walks over to a big switch on the right wall. He pulls it down. The ceiling opens up and green condoms pour on top of Superman and Lisa Marie.

Travolta: Hope you enjoy, kryptonite condoms! Ribbed for your DEATH!!

Superman: AHHHAHAAHAHHHH! NO!!! IT BURNS!!!! &lt;cough&gt;I'M MELTING!!!! MELTING!!!! &lt;cough&gt;&lt;cough&gt;I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SUPERMAN
DVD YET!! NO....&lt;cough&gt;&lt;HACK&gt;&lt;HACK&gt;

Superman falls on top of the bed and let the condoms to continue to pile up on him. Lisa Marie and Travolta look on.

Travolta: Lets go tell the hostages that, there is no more hope for the Hype!.
slinger: NOT SO FAST!!

Slinger is leaning against the doorway. He has a bloodied nose and is holding his stomach.

Travolta: I've read up on you too, slinger. I know your ultimate weakness!
slinger: HA! Whatever it is you must be wrong. There is no way you cou...

Travolta holds up to jugs of Collite and shakes them. He has a evil smile on his face.

slinger: NO!!! THAT CAN'T BE TRUE!!
Travolta: You know it be true!

Travolta chucks one of the four litre jugs at slinger. He collapses and gets into the fetal postion and starts shaking.

slinger:Ehh.... ugh... eehh... ehhh... eheh h....

Travolta drops three more jugs around him.

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Travolta looks down.

Travolta: Foolish moderator. Nothing can defeat the Sienctologists!

Suddenly from the back wall of the room a lightsabre peirces through the wall. It melts the wall, as it cuts out a circle. The cutout falls down. Jedi Knight, bbf2, Heston and thebtstink come out of the hole.

Jedi Knight: You are the foolish one, Travolta.
Heston: Prepare to meet your maker, you Scientologist S.O.B.

Heston unloads some bullets from his handgun. The bullets connect with Travolta's chest. He falls to the ground. Lisa Marie screams and runs away. Unluckily, Travolta's suit with the nipples protected him against the bullets.

Heston: After the girl!

Heston, bbf2 and thebtskink run after Lisa Marie. Jedi Knight sees slinger shaking. He sees the jugs of Collite and knocks them away.

slinger: ...T-than you.. Jedster. Sup-Superman. Bed... hellpp.

Jedi Kinight turns to see the bed of green glowing condoms. He reaches his hand in and pulls Superman out by the nose. Jedi Knight drags him over to the wall. Superman still looks dead.

Jedi Knight: He needs mouth to mouth.
slinger: Don't look at me!
Jedi Knight: Well I'm not. Maybe Bush can. Say where is that Sorry Sack of S...

In A Dark Room...

Bush: Damn! My Looney Tunes flashlight went out. Say, where did everyone else go? Oh man! I'm lost again!
Deep Robotic Voice: I'll help you find your way.
Bush: Oh thank you! Hey where are you anyway? I can't see a thing.
Deep Robotic Voice: President Bush.... take your hands off your face.
Bush: Oh yeah, thanks. I can see a little better. Hey! I've seen you before!

Deep Robotic Voice: Nice of you to remem-ber me, Governor Bush.
Bush: Hey Al! How ya doing? So what's life like since you lost, you big loser?
Al Gore: My life has been a liv-ing HELL. Ever since you've become president, I've felt life-less and worth-less. Me and Tipper only do it four times a week now. And sometimes I'm not even in the MOOD.
Bush: Eesh! Get that picture outta my mind. So are you going to help us defeat the evil Scientoolgiests terrorists who have taken over Captain America Hype!?
Gore: It's SPIDER-MAN HYPE! You south-ern hick! Don't you know anyting!
Bush: I know I won Florida. Heh heh.

Gore: You may have won the election, but you AIN'T going to win the war.
Bush: What are you going to do? Bore me to death? Heh hehe hehe heh eh.
Gore: Well since you won the elect-ion by drink-ing, lie-ing, doing drugs, shoot-ing fireairms, and excut-ing peop-le. I've decieded to do the same.

Bush has his finger up his nose and is not paying attention. Al Gore raises the gun Judge Doom used in 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?'.

Gore: Mirko has to put his guns in a saf-er spot. Good night Governor Bush. I'm goinna kill ya now.

BLAM! BLAM!! Gore has a psychcotic look on his face.

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Back to Superman....

Jedi Knight: What are we going to do?
slinger: Well, I did see 'Weekend at Bernie's II' but not 'Weekend at Bernie's'. So how did they...
Female Voice: Someone need help?

Jedi Knight and slinger turn to the doorway and see Nicole Kidman?

Jedi Knight: What are you doing here?
Nicole Kidman: I came here to pick up my son. I forget his name. Anyway, its my turn to have him and I noticed he was handcuffed to John Travolta's jet and he told me that Tom was in here cooking up his latest Scientology sceme.
slinger: You mean this isn't the first time?

Nicole Kidman: No. He even has plans to kidnapp Russell Crowe. So I've come here to set him straight and expose this evil cult for what it really is.
Jedi Knight: Well could you help and give mouth to mouth to this Man of Stealing?
Nicole Kidman: Well, I've done things much worse.
slinger: Can you say, 'Practical Magic'? (Slinger grins but notices no one else is laughing.)
Nicole Kidman: Whoo. Smells like tequilla.
Jedi Knight: Yeah he likes to drink about four bottles of that after lunch.
Nicole Kidman: Well here goes.
Another Female Voice: Getaway from the sleaz you traitoring slut!

The three turn and see Kelly Preston. Superman raises a eye. He whispers 'damn' knowing how close he was.

Nicole Kidman: Now its on girlfriend!
Kelly Preston: Just bring it, ho!
Nicole Kidman: Oh I'm a ho?
Kelly Preston: You bet your skinny white ass!
Nicole Kidman: Atleast I'm not married to a ass!
Kelly Preston: Yes yo.. whoops.
Nicole Kidman: Dumbass incest hick.

The two grab each others hair. They star a catfight.

Superman: BOOIA! CATFIGHT!
slinger: What the hell? Why are you alive? You weren't faking it were you?
Superman: On a... hi um... geez... this is... well... Hey look! Her shirt is RIPPED!!

Jedi Knight and slinger turn and forget about Superman. Superman pulls out a bag of Hubbard's Hickory Sticks he stole earlier, and rips it open.

[slinger]

As Superman, slinger and Jedi Knight watch the gritty catfight, the firealarm goes off.

Superman: Superman-Sense is tingling!
slinger: Great! Okay we better grab Mirko and gettyup and go!

Jedi Knight runs and picks up and fist swinging Nicole Kidman.

Nicole: PUT ME DOWN!!! OR GOD HELP ME!!!

Jedi Knight puts her down. Nicole returns to lay a can of whoop-ass on a bloodied, confused, ripped shirted, black eyed, messed up haired Kelly Preston. The three CS! members proceed down the hallway.

Superman: Wish I could see the end of that.
slinger: It’ll be on Access Hollywood. Or for the tabloid, must see Farrah Fawcett everyweek types: Entertainment Tonight.
Superman: Say, do you think they’ll mention us? I’ve never been on T.V.

Jedi Knight: What are you talking about? Cops, Amercia’s Most Wanted, Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, Jerry Springer, The View, The Price Is Right, Coffee Talk with Linda Richman, The Sammy Maudlin Show, Live with Regis, Extra, Later, The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn and Oprah.
Superman: Craiggers told me a few pick up lines. I’ll give you one. Hey honey lets us say we...

Jedi Knight puts his mouth to Superman’s mouth.

Jedi Knight: Shh. Listen.

We can barely here in the backround, but it sounds like gunshots.

Heston’s Voice From Far Away: This way! That punk Jedi should be over here.
bbf2’s Voice From Far Away: AHHH!!! Get it off me!!
Heston’s Voice From Far Away: Die Kristy Alley! DIE!!
&lt;gunshot noise&gt; &lt;gunshot noise&gt;
bbf2’s Voice From Far Away: Thanks Hest. Your not to bad.
thebtskink’s Voice From Far Away: Who knew after all these years he could beat the crap out of Tom Cruise.

Superman, Jedi Knight and slinger are intrigued on what they hear. A vent is knocked away and hits Superman. Heston pops up with a semi-automatic. He looks like he has seen some action. Then bbf2 falls out and lands on his face.

thebtskink: Anybody call for a Director?

Thebtskink pushes a tied-up and gagged Mirko out of the vent. Mirko falls on top of bbf2. Thebtskink grabs of a granade from his vest and tosses it in the vent.

thebtskink: Later ladies.

Thebtskink jumps from the vent ontop of bbf2. The grenade goes off.

bbf2: For the love of X-Men!
thebtskink: Quick! Grab Mirks and get out before this place burns to the ground.

Jedi Knight picks up Mirko. With his Jedi strength Mirko is no trouble for Jedi Knight. Smoke has started to fill the hallway. The group is right in front of the elevators.

slinger: HEY! What about the hostages?!
bbf2: They ain’t here! They’ve all been shipped to Tunsia for brainwashing!

Superman presses the down button. The doors open. The inside of the elevator is all painted various Amazing Spider-Man issues. Everyone gets in. Slinger ponders for a moment.

Jedi Knight: I know what you’re thinking slinger. I don’t sense President Bush’s presence. I do however sense Nicole, JBond and Travolta.

thebtskink: Oh, speaking of JBond...

JBond: HEY!!! WAIT GUYSS!!!! ME AND NICOLE!!!! HOLD IT!!!

Superman presses the open button. JBond and Nicole start running towards the elevator. Bbf2 presses the close button. Slinger presses the open button.

slinger: What are you doing?
bbf2: It's JBond! Don’t let him in!!

Bbf2 presses the close button. In slow motion Nicole dives for the door. She slides on the floor and turns on her side and manages to get in. At the same time, Heston is blasting away his semi-automatic (which he found in Cruise’s base of operations)
at JBond.

Everything stops.

Adam West’s Voice: Whats this? The CS! Crew turning on one of their own? What could JBond have possibly done? Will anyone find Bush? Will Travolta’s carrer ever be a sucess again? Will there be any hardcore sex scenes? Find out tomorrow.
Same Coming Soon! Website. Same Coming Soon! Thread!

[slinger]

Chris Carter's Voice: Previously on CS! Drinking Bash.

Travolta: Bring JBond to the water tank. See if he's really as good a swimmer as he say he is.
JBond: I'm a terrible swimmer.Honest. I even have a bumper sticker that humourously states that I can't swim. Go check my Dodge Caravan.
Superman: Really he does.
Travolta: Maybe the sharks will help him. MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Danza drags JBond off to a far away room.
--------------------------------------------
thebtskink: Oh, speaking of JBond...
JBond: HEY!!! WAIT GUYSS!!!! ME AND NICOLE!!!! HOLD IT!!!

Superman presses the hold button. JBond and Nicole start running towards the elevator. Bbf2 presses the close button. Slinger presses the open button.

slinger: What are you doing?
bbf2: Its JBond! Don’t let him in!!

Bbf2 presses the close button. In slow motion Nicole dives for the door. She slides on the floor and turns on her side and manages to get in. At the same time, Heston is blasting away his semi-automatic at JBond.

Chris Carter's Voice: And now.... Back where we left off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bullets fly right onto JBond's chest. He falls back and moves five feet in the process. The elevator doors close. Bbf2 presses the '1' button.

Superman: Okay, explain to me why Heston just killed JBond?
bbf2: You better be sitting down for this one.

Superman sits down on top of Nicole.

Superman: Sitting.
slinger: Hey save some room for me.
Nicole: Get the hell off ME!!

Nicole shoves Superman off. She stands up.

thebtsink: We'll tell you in the basement in the vacant office building next door to CS!. Then we'll have to deprogram Mirko and then mount an attack to stop the brainwashing in Tunsia.
Superman: Okay then.
Heston: This elevator music sucks.

[slinger]

Late At Night

Olorin comes to. He has a terrible hangover and is in bad shape after going kung-fu on dubloth. Olorin surveys what has happened. He notices that it is dark.

Olorin: OH CRAP! Its 10:37. Whoa. Mirko must be working late or something. Better wake up these two.

Olorin pinches Theta's noise so he can't breath. Theta struggles and then wakes up. Theta punches Olorin in the face.

Theta: Thanks for waking me up. Man how long did we sleep. Should we wake dubloth up?
Olorin: No. Look at him. Like a little baby. &lt;sniff&gt;&lt;sniff&gt; I think the baby soiled himself.
Theta: Well that kick you gave to his kidney, and just all the tramua his whole stomach/bellybutton area went through I'm not suprised. (The two are now carrying him to his office.)
Olorin: I don't know my own strength. Here we go.

Olorin drops his end of dubloth, and dubloth's head drops to the floor. Olorin opens the door and turns on the lights. Olorin is shocked to what he sees. Theta walks in and sees whats going on. Kevin Roegele is feasting away at dubloth's Skor bars. He has melted chocolate all over his face, hands, and janitor's uniform. A huge amount of wrapers are all around him. Dubloth's filing cabinet has been knocked down and we can see even more Skor bars in the drawer. Empty bottles of Yoo-Hoo are found scattered around the office.

Olorin: Dear Lord of the Rings!
Theta: WHO KNEW?
Kevin Roegele: (mouth partially full of Skor bars) Umi sorry. I like to steal other peoples stuff. I don't get paid much. I'll clean it up. Promise.
Olorin: If money is a problem then me and Theta will spare you a few bucks.
Kevin: Um, no really.
Olorin: Hey! My wallet! You British stealing trash!!

Dubloth sniffs and is awakened by the smell of chocolate. He is put off by the smell from his pants. He sees Olorin and Kevin fighting. He sees what has become of his office. Kevin takes his broom and hits Olorin in the face.

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 03-28-2001).]

[JBond]

Originally posted by slinger:
Olorin: Dear Lord of the Rings!

Haha!

[slinger]

Olorin judo-chops Kevin in the neck. Then he pokes his eyes with his thumbs. Kevin stumbles around not seeing what he is doing. He walks into a lamp and falls down. Theta walks over to the desk. He sees whats on the desk and looks in disbelief.

Theta: Dubloth! NO!!
dubloth: What?! What is it?! Oh NO! You didn't see it?
Theta: Yes I did.
dubloth: Hey I..
Olorin: What did you see? What?
Theta: I don't want to touch it, but dubloth has the 'Battlefield Earth' DVD on his desk.
Olorin: {shriek} Blasmy!
dubloth: I kinda like it. I hope you guys are alright, you know, me being a person who likes...

Olorin: Don't say its name!
dubloth: ...that film and you not liking it.
Theta: Frankly I'm disgusted. I hope when Mirko hears of this he will strip you of your moderator sash! CS! has place for, that film we are talking about.
Olorin: HOHO! Looks like CS! just found its new door greeter. Meaning I'm being bumped back up to mail guy!
Kevin: Can someone help me?

The Basement of the Vacant Office Building Nextdoor to CS!

Jedi Knight, thebtsink and Nicole are deprograming Mirko. They are sitting in a very poorly lit room. Over to the left bbf2 is telling Superman and slinger whats up. Heston went out looking for Bush.

slinger: So let me get this straight. The Scientologists, lead by Cruise and Travolta, came to JBond and gave him a offer he couldn't refuse.
Superman: Cruise and Co. wanted SMH!, so they could slowly turn the users into Scientologists. They would do this by slowly putting more Scientology content on the site. And with advanced brainwashing technology through internet ads. With this the Scientologists would have a good starting foundation to take control over America.
slinger: But to take control over SMH!, they needed Mirko's password. They asked JBond, but he didn't know. So they offered him CS! They would get Mirko, get the password out of him and then have control over both sites. But they would give CS! to JBond. Since JBond would surely stop them some how. Then JBond would have total control over Coming Soon!

Superman: But he couldn't do it alone. So he got Malice involved to. Thats why the alarms were set. Only Malice and Mirko had control over the alarms. Bush triggered the alarms that almost got you and Heston killed. All this time JBond was playing us for fools! Who knows what he had instore for us, once he had control.
bbf2: Exactly! You tell me that Danza was taking him to a pool of sharks. But he wasn't wet at all!
slinger: Yeah I kinda figured it out already.
bbf2: Anyway, knowing that me Heston, and bt knew about there thing, they sent the hostages to Tunsia.
slinger: Well its past midnight. I'm going to Sev and getting me some food.

Superman: I'll come to. Its great having a 7-11 nearby.
bbf2: The only question is, when are the Scientologist going to after us. They didn't get the password outta Mirko.
Superman: It might not be too bad. Maybe JBond will a good boss.
bbf2: Oh I managed to smuggle some stuff out too. Here's JBond's plans for CS!

Bbf2 hands him some crumpled documents. Al walks up with his cigar.

Al: Great work Sam. You should leap pretty soon.
Superman: AHHL! HE'D GET RID OF 'SUPERMAN LIVES'?!! WHAT?!! Just because it won't get a possible greenlight until 2008 doesn't mean... [bitterly] Lets go trash his office.
slinger: After I get some food. Come on. I have a craving for Doritos.
bbf2: Later guys.

The blue leap thing happens to bbf2. The regular bbf2 is back. His cell phone rings. He pulls it out and presses talk.

bbf2: Hello? Mom? ..... What are you talking about?

Meanwhile...

Sam has leaped to a very wanted body.

Al: Hooho. I bet you never want to leap again!
Hugh Hefner: This is great! Better than that stupid internet thing.
Playboy Playmate #1: What was that?
Hugh: Oh nothing. This old mind you know.
Playboy Playmate #2: So are we going to play strip poker soon?
Playboy Playmate # 3: Right after Hugh inspects the the new girls.
Hugh: Oh boy I can't wait.
Al: Uh oh. I just found out what you have to do.
Hugh: So did I.
Al: NO SAM! LISTEN TO ME!

Hugh: I'm having a great time ladies. I. hahacjk o! MY HEART!! AL HELP!!
Al: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....
Playboy Playmate #2: OH MY GOD!
Hugh: Tingling! AL DO SOMETHING!!
Playboy Playmate #1: Hes having a hearattack and is losing it.
Hugh: Damn!!! The perfect life.... lost.

Hugh Hefner (Sam) dies. The three Playboy Playmates are stunned. Al seems happy.

Al: Nobody can see me and I'm at the Playboy Mansion. Thanks Sam!

[JBond]

Originally posted by slinger:
Then JBond would have total control over Coming Soon!

http://www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif

[slinger]

7-Eleven

Superman is cooking burgers and other products that have meat in the microwave. Slinger is scanning the, what seems like endless, bags of chips. He grabs a Doritos and a Lays bag. He looks to the right and sees one bag of Hubbard’s Hickory Sticks.
Slinger is shocked. The Scientologists are already making their move into taking over America. Slinger walks over to Superman who has napkins all over him.

Superman: Hey, better put some protection on.
slinger: Napkins?
Superman: Your health.
slinger: Speaking off health... (notices what he is cooking) oh sweet Jesus! Are you planning to eat all of that packaged crap? I mean? You’re not the Man of Steel. Spelt s-t-e-e-l. You're S-t-e-a-l. For sure your body will reject this.

Superman takes a vicious bite from his cheeseburger. He eats it with his mouth open. Slinger turns and heads for the Slurpee machine. Superman is doing a little dance while he waits. Over to the the entrance, Travolta (in his Barbarino attire, and a limping JBond in salior attire) enter the 7-Eleven.

Travolta: Once agian sorry that I didn’t have anything for you to wear. It's a good thing Cruise had that sailor suit.
JBond: Its late at night, who is going to see me?

JBond turns to see slinger and Superman standing by the checkout staring at him.

JBond: This is great.

Superman takes a few pictures with one of those Kodak cameras.

7-Eleven Clerk: Hey! You buy that! You didn’t pay! Just opened! Gimme that!
slinger: You even went for the hat too.

JBond furiously takes his hat off and slams it to the floor. The four eye each other.

Travolta: So I guess you know what we are up to.
7-Eleven Clerk: I’m going on my break. Don’t steal anything.
Superman: Music to my ears. (Superman starts shoving magazines and Hot Rods in his pants, while the otherst talk.)
Travolta: Why haven’t you gone to the feds?

slinger: With our track record, no one trusts us. Except the NRA and Blockbuster.
Superman: [chewing on a Hot Rod & reading Cosmo] Morons. We return like 15% of what we rent.
slinger: Anyway, do you think they’ll believe that Hollywood celebrities are trying to take over America by taking over a internet site. A movie internet site. I mean not even the fire department came to put out that mysterious fire at the SMH!
Building.
JBond: Well you guys know too much. I’m sorry. But you would do the same thing wouldn’t you?
Superman: Oh yeah. I would especially get rid of ‘James Bond 20’. Sound good?
JBond: Oh so a.... you found out my future plans. But come on! The WB Execs would still sit on their asses and not make a Superman movie even if Chris Reeve could walk again!!
slinger: What did you have planned for me? [Travolta is getting impatient.]
JBond: (smirk on face) You’d be replaced by Oom-Pa Loom-Pas. All of you. Except Olorin.
Travolta: Okay we’ve told them what there lives would be like, so why don’t we just end them.

Travolta hands JBond a granade. JBond looks at Travolta. He pulls the pin and lobs the granade in onto the counter. Slinger pulls Superman down and yells for him to move. JBond and Travolta hightale it to the magazine rack. GGOGOOFF! Travolta stands up and starts firing his blaster he stole from Mirko’s Office.

slinger: Damn! Why did Lucas have to make a real blaster! You take that aisle, I’ll head for the Slurpee machine.
Superman: You know I was just reading an interesting article in Cosmo about friends turning against ea....
slinger: Will you shut-up and move!

JBond fires his RCP-120. Superman crawls away into the isle. He picks a jar of Mr.Planters Peanuts lobs it forward and shoots it with a handgun he pulled out of his pants. The peanuts shoot everywhere. Some hit JBond.

JBond: AHHH!!! NUTS!! I’M ALERGIC!! AND THE SALT BURNS!
Travolta: It's no stunt time!

Travolta who is at the back of the store, does a summersault, then again slowly and turns to face Superman. Superman fires two bullets, the two miss. But they did shatter the glass door behind Travolta. He hit some soy milk cartons. The milk spills
onto the floor. Travolta runs down the next aisle.

Superman: Ahh. The Scientolgists’ one and only weakeness is soy milk!
Travolta: No. Its just I don’t want my shoes to smell like milk.

Superman rolls another jar of peanuts across the floor and shoots it, scaring off JBond.

Superman: HAHA! I can still smell your aftershave JBond.

Superman opens a can of legumes and peanuts. He makes a bitter face.

Superman: Salt-y.

Travolta runs for the Slurpee machine. He fires a a few bolts and JBond covers him by blasting some at slinger and Superman. Travolta makes it to the Ice Cappacino machine. He crouches down.

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 03-30-2001).]

[slinger]

On a nearby road just outside the 7-Eleven, Heston is driving a 1988 Aries.

Heston: Where the hell is that Bush? I’m sure CNN is all over this. What the...? [Heston hears and sees gunfire at the 7-Eleven.] He quickly puts on the brakes causing a few traffic accidents in the process. He opens the glove compartment.

Heston: Lets show those boys how to use a gun.

Scanning back to the stand-off.

slinger: &lt;whispering&gt;What to do? [Slinger sees Pepsi is being served from the Slurpee maching.] &lt;whispering&gt;Aha. The Devil’s Brew.

Slinger gets on his knees, grabs a 760mL cup and starts filling it with Pepsi. Travolta notices this. He fires his blaster at the machine. He misses twice but the third time, a bolt hits slinger’s hand. He grabs the cup with his other hand.

slinger: Son of a beach!

Travolta walks up and aims the blaster at him.

Travolta: Its all over now, slinger.
slinger: What your carrer or my life?
Superman: Zing!
Travolta: [turns his head to face Superman] SHUT-UP! No, slinger’s life. Its implied ‘cause I have a blas..

Slinger chucks Pepsi Slurpee onto Travolta’s face. Travolta clenches his face with his hands dropping the blaster. Slinger grabs it.

Travolta: IT BURNS!! AH!!! MY FACE!!! AND MY HANDES!!! AHHH DAMN PEPSI! I ASFDJKHH YUCKOS!!

Slinger stands up and fires at JBond. Slinger had it set for stun. JBond falls to the floor.

slinger: NOW! Get the garbage bin!

Superman runs and gets the garbage bin. He picks it up and lets all the trash fall out. He runs and slams Travolta on the head with it. Travolta falls to the ground. Slinger walks up to him with a fresh Pepsi Slurpee.

slinger: Here have some more.

Slinger places the cup on top of his mouth. Superman walks up and puts some duct
tape around the cup so it won’ t fall off. Travolta struggles for awhile and then stops. Superman and slinger give each other a series of low, flipside and high fives. A figure approaches them. The two turn in horror.

Its the 7-Eleven Store Manager. He is about the size of Fat Bastard.

7-Eleven Store Manager: Okay Slimjims, what the hell did you do to my store?
slinger: Ricki Lake! He’s huge!
Superman: With his girth he’ll crush us all!

The 7-Eleven Store Manager pulls about a baseball bat.

7-Eleven Store Manager: NOW YOU DIE!
Heston: Not on my watch tubs.

The 7-Eleven Store Manager turns to see Heston has a shotgun pointed for his head.

7-Eleven Store Manager: Damn!
Heston: Get in the back, piggy!

The 7-Eleven Store Manager waddles to the back of the store. Heston follows. Superman and slinger are relieved. The walk towards the counter. A pink VW Beetle, with the license plate: IBPIMPN2 crashes through the doors. Superman Ten Minutes
Ago exits the car. Nicole slides out the other door. She’s in some slut wear.

Superman Ten Minutes Ago: Sup Supe? I flew by and picked Nicole up. She filled me in and also told me that she found out know where the hostages are.
Nicole: I remember Tom buying some property last year in the Tunsia.
Superman: Slinger, meet Superman Ten Minutes Ago.
slinger: Yes.... I guess its nice to meet you.
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: Holy Kal-El! You guys sure trashed this place. Hop in. We’re going to use the CS! Blimp and head to the old Air Force Base and take off in the various movie flying vechiles Mirko bought over the years.

slinger: Oooh! I call Batplane.
Superman Ten Minutes Ago & Superman: Carnsawnit!
Heston: You better have not have dinged up my car, you surburbs trash.
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: The ‘88 Aries?
Heston: (coarsely) Yes.
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: Oh yeah! Messed up your paint job, whizzed in your gas tank, broke the driver’s seat, dented both bumpers, and we had sex in it too!
Heston: 1....2.....3......4.......5.....6.....
slinger: S-T-M-A, you better get out of here. We’ll meet you in Tunis. The Tashe Station Hotel. Friday.
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: Okay. Lets ride Nicole.

The Beete pulls out and slams into Heston’s Aries.

Heston: ........8..................8...............8...... ......8
slinger: Lets scadadle!
Superman: I’ll go steal some bus passes.
Heston:..........8......8...........8.........8... .....9........9.......

[slinger]

The CS! Offices

slinger: Quit making shadow puppets! Shine the light by the door.
Superman: Sorry. Hey look. Elizabeth Taylor.
slinger: Moron! Give the flashlight to Jedi Knight.
Jedi Knight: Hey how about we use my lightsabre.

Jedi turns on his lightsabre. It goes through the door. He cuts out the door knob and lock. He pushes the door.

slinger: These are one of those times I wish you had a job here, so I could destory your office.
Jedi Knight: Maybe I was wrong about getting a job here. Anyway where's your this goods you need?
slinger: My gun cabinent.
Superman: Oh goody.
slinger: There ain't no guns in it.
Superman: Thats like having a wallet and not having any Trojans in it.

Slinger smashes the the glass door and clears some glass away with a flashlight.

Jedi Knight: Ruin our fun.

Slinger takes some armor from the the cabinent.

Jedi Knight: Did you get this from the 'Gladiator' garage sale that we went to?
Superman: I bought Crowe's skirt!
slinger: (ignoring) No. I had them specaily made. I wear them when I go to Ottawa Senators games.

Slinger puts on the Roman helmet. He raises his sword. He hands Superman a foam hand giving the finger.

Superman: I know what I want for my birthday!
Jedi Knight: Very nice. Say can I have that shield?

Superman walks out with slinger's DVD player.

slinger: Sure. Mirko gave it to me as a present for not pissing him off for one week once I got my moderatorship. It's from 'Braveheart' he claims.
Jedi Knight: Made in Bangladesh. Yep.
slinger: Boy do I have stories on Bangladeshie products.
Jedi Knight: You can tell me all about it on the trip to Tunsia. [looks at watch.] We have forty minutes to get to the air base, before bbf2 leaves in the hot air ballon from 'The Wizard of Oz'.

slinger: That seems pretty slow.
Jedi Knight: Oh, Mirko got Malice to beef that hot air balloon up.
slinger: Where did my Superman go?
Jedi Knight: This is why I keep on saying he needs to be on a leash!

Jedi Knight and slinger exit slinger's Office. They walk down the halls and hear laughter. slinger opens the Friday Mid-Afternoon All Staff Members Meeting Room. He sees Kevin sleeping on the table. He closes it. Jedi Knight has kept on walking and is now in the right hand side hallway.
Superman runs out of JBond's office. JBond's Office is in flames. Superman walks up to Jedi.

Superman: That felt good.
Jedi Knight: How many times have you said that?
Superman: Well today..... lets see... ten times. And remember. Its only 2:36 A.M.

[slinger]

Tunis, Tunsia
Friday, March 16, 2001
The Tasche Station Hotel

The CS! Rescue Squad are on horses. Heston is riding Fireairm. Slinger is riding Tool of Slinging. Jedi Knight is riding a dewback. Bbf2 is riding a donkey, and Theta can be seen riding on a camel with Superman.
Thebtskink is in a Shriner's car. They all gather in front of the hotel. Some valet guys walk up to them and take their animals and car to the back. They carry their luggage with them into the lobby. They all look around. Jedi Knight rings the bell.

Hotel Lobby Guy: Yes, may I help you?
Jedi Knight: Habeus Corpus. I have four rooms booked.
bbf2: Four?
Jedi Knight: You and bt and Supes get the Children's Suite.
Hotel Lobby Guy: Here you go sir.

Slinger walks up to Jedi Knight excitingly.

slinger: Hey, Eric Idle is playing here. I'm going to check him out.

The Lounge

Eric is sitting at a piano. There is a moderate crowd of tourists. Slinger is videotaping the whole thing.

Eric Idle: Now I didn't write this next one, but I think you'll enjoy it.
slinger: Crap the lense is covered.

Slinger takes off the lense. Eric starts playing a few keys to the tune of 'American Pie'.

Eric Idle:
A long, long time ago. I can still remember
how the children used to seem so vile.
I knew that if I had my chance
that I would spank them without pants.
And maybe I'd be happy for a while.
But December, it made my liver
sick with all the feces it had to deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep
Wouldn't touch it with forceps!
I can't remember if I cried,
when I heard that the dung had dried.
Something stunk up my deep insides,
the day the poop sighed.

It was singing, "My my, Mister Miles McFly,
Put my lever to real heavy, but the supply was dry.
The good old boy had eaten wheat and rye,
Saying, 'Soon you'll be back outside!'
'Soon you'll be back outside.'"

Did you see that bird above,
which very vigorously did shove
it's heavy and damp load.
Do you ever get the John full,
to the point that it would explode?
What about when it flushes real slow?
Well, I know to stick the plunger in,
Cuz, the janitor kicked my shin
and made me plunge out that poo.
Man, it smelled like moldy shoes! OOO!
I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck
With a big red plunger and a pickup truck!
But I knew I was out of luck,
the day the dung had dried!

I was singing, "My my, how hard I did try
to put the lever to real heavy, but the supply was dry.
We good old boys had drank them whiskey 'til morning was nigh.
Singing, 'This'll be my last French fry!
This'll be my last French fry."

Now for ten years, I have been sittin' at home
and moss grew on this rolling stone.
But that's not how it used to be,
when Mr. Myers had a could not flush what he had peed
My nose went and caught the lead
that he had tried to flush some weed.
Because when the cops had come on down,
he flushed the weed in a mound.
All this my nose had learned,
because it had smelled like turd.
While Mr. Myers was being read his rights,
I was sitting with my plunger during the night
We sang our love for each other and our plight
to plunge for the deprived!

The Plunger was singing, "My my, this is all a lie.
I plunge a toilet just to soil it, and my supply is dry.
You good old boy, you're a really great guy.
But I really am way too shy,
I really am way too shy."

Helter Skelter, in a big sweaty swelter.
I said I loved him and that I would give him shelter.
Plunger cried and said that he loved me beeeeeeeEEEEEST!
He fell to the ground and kissed the grass,
I knew our love would really last.
I proposed and he paused and said yes.
The Wedding was scheduled for mid June.
Some people wanted to call me a loon
for getting married so very soon.
HA! They are all baboons!
The wedding ring did a little boy wield,
but the pillow it was on he refused to yield.
Do you recall who had appealed,
to my choice for a wife?

And I was singing, "My my, this here plunger guy.
I say I love him but I shove him face first to the worst.
He's a good old boy, for him, I would die.
Saying, 'I wish I had married a pie.
I wish I had married a pie.' "

Everyone stands and cheers and claps. Eric bows and takes a sip of water.

Eric Idle: Thank you. Thank you. I wrote that myself remember.

(Thanks to Olorin for that song

[slinger]

Club America
(Tunis strip club)

Very dry and dark room with the stench of death found everywhere. Superman, bbf2 and thebtskink are sitting right in the front. Jedi Knight and Heston are over by the bar.

Heston: Gimme a gin and tonic young man.
Bartender: I'm 54. Well maybe to you I'm young. Sure thing. Say, you guys from outta town?
Heston: That depends.
Jedi Knight: Yes it does.

Jedi Knight waves his hand. The Bartender pours Heston's drink.

Heston: Do you think your punk friends are capable of finding Bush?
Jedi Knight: No. I wouldn't even expect them to start a car.
Heston: Ahh, so their studio execs on the side.

Jedi Knight waves his hand again. Jedi taps Heston. The turn their backs away from the Bartender.

Jedi Knight: I can't read his mind.
Heston: You mean to tell me all that crap actually is possible?
Jedi Knight: Yes. When I was six we went to New Zealand and..
Heston: I DON'T have time for your mindless stories. I'm going back to the hotel and see if CNN has anything good on. That other Superman should be here soon. Then I get to kick his ass.
Superman's Voice Far Away: YEAH!! WOO-HOO! Those things can move!!
thebtskink's Voice Far Away: HEY! I can't see! SOMEONE'S TOUCHING ME!!!
Bartender: So you don't want your drink?
Jedi Knight: Put it on George Lucas' tab.
Bartender: Sure, he comes here about every three years anyway to do something.

The Bartender presses a button underneath the counter.

Outside Tashe Station Hotel

Superman Ten Minutes Ago and Nicole pull up in the beat-up pink VW Beetle. The top is torn off. The back bumper is dragging on the ground. One of the tires is flat.

Superman Ten Minutes Ago: Huuu. Finally. Who knew there was such thing as Tusken Raiders. Those things should be in a zoo! (They get out of the car.)
Nicole: ****. They stole my luggage.
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: Well I still have mine.

Superman Ten Minutes Ago pulls up a 'Green Lantern' fany pack.

Superman Ten Minutes Ago: But they didn't take the Luggage Boy!

Superman Ten Minutes Ago viciously pulls the Luggage Boy from the back seats and drops him on the ground.

Superman Ten Minutes Ago: Up boy! I didn't trade four melted Butterfingers for a Luggage Boy that sleeps.
Reader: YOU DIDN'T TRADE FOR ME?!! I got locked in the trunk at the air force base and...
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: SILENCE LUGGAGE BOY!! Now take my luggage to its intended destinaTION!!!
Nicole: Supes....
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: SILENCE HOE!! NOW... whoops sorry. I take that back.

[slinger]

Slinger walks out of the hotel and sees the little feud going on.

slinger: READER! You made it.
Reader: Yeah no thanks to you. Why the hell did you lock me in the trunk?
slinger: 'Cause I thought it would be a good expierence that you could laugh on later in life.
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: Well he's my new Luggage Boy. Aren't you?! So anyway, where are the rest of the guys?
slinger: Well I went to see Eric Idle perform and when I got back, Jedi Knight left me a note saying they went to... Club Ammerica I think. Its a stripclub.
Nicole: Did you say Club America?
slinger: Yes I did. Are we hard of hearing?
Nicole: Tom bought that club last year. Changed its name to Club America.

Reader: What was it's old name.
Nicole: I couldn't pronouce it.
slinger: And your not originally a blond?
Nicole: Bite my ass!
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: You should, its scrumptious!
Nicole: Anyway, if you guys haven't figured it out yet, the hostages are at Club America!
slinger: Lets roll! Um, Reader you can stay outside since you don't meet the age requirements.

A school bus pulls up hitting a camel.

Reader: F*uck you.
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: Tsk tsk tsk. The language children pick up on the playground. S*hit! I forgot the damn sunscreen! Now my f*ucking white head will be all superburnt just like the other sons of a b*itchs who live in this two-bit homo town. I mean look at that bastard. A dark fellow he is. JESUS H. CHRIST! Puts a mask on buddy!!

Superman Ten Minutes Ago and turns and sees a school bus from the Calvin Christian School has just unloaded. All the young children stand silent as the stair at Superman Ten Minutes Ago and the rest of his crew. The enter the the Beetle quietly. And drive away. The female teacher exits the bus.

Teacher: I believe Anthony this is your back-pack.
Anthony: That's not my f*ucking back-pack.

slinger: The amount of peoples lives that the both of you guys change for the worse is just unbelievable.
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: I can't be held responsible for my otherself.
Reader: Is that a word. I'll look it up.
Nicole: What smells foul?

Basement of Club America

A tall man enters a poorly lit room. Water drips from below and the strip club music can be faintly heard. The room is entirely empty except for a chair in the back which is being sat in.

Scientology Spy: They just left the hotel and are on their way. Nicole as well.
Tom Cruise: [dressed in The Emperor attire. Can't see his face and is mostly covered in darkness.] She may pose a problem. I'll see to that she doesn't ruin my plans. I've finally got someone who won't mess things up.
Scientology Spy: Who?
Cruise: Where Travolta, Lisa Marie, Kelly and JBond messed up they will triumph!

[slinger]

Cruise presses a button on his armrest.

Cruise: Beverly, could you please send in Mr.Gore.
Scientologist Spy: Mr.Gore?! Not former Vice President Al Gore?
Cruise: Yes the very same. I found him wandering around in the catacombs under CS! and SMH!. He told me that his life has become unbearable. I told him my delema. He is the perfect weapon. Intelligent, emotionless, boring and never gives up.

Al Gore: Yes I am.
Cruise: AL! I didn't hear you come in.
Gore: I under-stand that we have some people to dispose of upst-airs. I think I would be used best upst-airs.
Cruise: Yes you would. Oh take Jack Palance with you. He can handle Heston.
Gore: But... I can..
Cruise: Think of him as your running mate.
Gore: Very well.

Upstairs

Superman and Jedi Knight are seeing how much liquor they can drink before vomiting. Jedi Knight using his Jedi powers has the upperhand.

Superman: UHHhvod! Vodakakaka thats necks.
Jedi Knight: You mean next.
Superman: &lt;slurred&gt; I come to this place all the time.
Jedi Knight: Sure you do Superman.
Superman: ITS COLONEL COPPLETOPINEAPPLE!!
Jedi Knight: Whatever. Say, how come skink and bb didn't partake in this competition? Anything with alcohol and they're in.

Outside

Heston is standing outside waiting for the shuttle. Jack Palance steps into the bright street.

Heston: Hey Jack! What are you doing here? Field trip through your retirement home?
Palance: I don't think that's funny at all. Say what time do I punch you in the kisser?
Heston: What? Pardon? Did you say the shuttle or groin?
Palance: I said kisser.
Heston: Just wanted to be sure.

Heston kicks Palance in the groin. Palance punches Heston in the kisser. The shuttle pulls up. The Beetle pulls up behind it. Heston throws sand into Palance's face. Heston stroms off and walks up to the cocky Superman Ten Minutes Ago and punches him in the neck.

[slinger]

Reader laughs at this. Heston and Palance drag the fight on into the alley. The group then proceeds to the club. Only Superman Ten Minutes Ago stays lying in pain on the dusty ground.

At the sametime...

Jedi Knight is turned around when Al Gore comes from behind and hits him over with a stool. He slams two fingers into Superman's xyphoid. Superman falls to the dirty floor.

Strip Club DJ: Say hello to Vicky. Shes... Oh MY!! Someone's been hit over the head with a bar stool!! WHAT THE HELL?

Jedi Knight turns around and pulls out his lightsabre.

Strip Club DJ: It appears to be a Jedi knight and Al Gore of all people!

Jedi Knight takes a swipe at Gore knocking him to the side. Suddenly bbf2 and thebtskink come from right and left and hit Jedi with two folding chairs ala the WWF.

Strip Club DJ: AND NOW FROM BEHIND TWO PARTONS HAVE HIT THE JEDI WITH A STEEL CHAIR!! OH MY GOD!!

The Bartender now holds up a gun behind Jedi Knight. Bbf2 and thebtskink drop the chairs.

Bartender: Theres a two shot minimum.
Jedi Knight: Thats vey clever.
Bartender: You really think so? 'Cause what I was really going to say was..

With a few swings the Bartender is cut in three. But, Gore is behind Jedi Knight and fires a few from his Walter PPK. The bullets peirce right through Jedi Knight's body. He falls to the ground. Reader, slinger and Nicole see this.

Strip Club DJ: THE KNIGHT HAS BEEN SHOT!! SHOT HERE IN THIS VERY STRIP CLUB!! WHAT THE HELL!! THE POLITICAL ASSASSIN HAS KILLED THE JEDI KNIGHT!! MY GOD!!! THE JEDI HAD JUST SLICED THE BARTENDER IN THREE, AND THEN HE GOT SHOT!! WHAT THE HOLY HELL??!! LETS LOOK AT THE REPLAY!!


[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

Reader runs for Gore. He stops in front and slashes his chest and cutting his sports coat and shirt. Gore looks down at his chest. He picks up Reader and throws him over to the Strip Club DJ's little booth.

Strip Club DJ: And now Gore has thrown the young boy ontop of our equipment here!!
Reader: Ugghh...
Gore: Now we end this.
slinger: Wait, they aren't done counting yet!
Gore: What?

Immediatly slinger charges for Gore. He makes some punches, but Gore blocks everyone. Slinger kness Gore where the sun don't shine. Cruise enters the strip club.

Cruise: ENOUGH! Gore you can stop. This place will go up in thirteen minutes and... fifty seconds. Along with the world's only chance on stopping us from taking control over America!
Gore: But...but..
Cruise: &lt;mimciking&gt; But, but, but, but! You had your chance to win the election and dispose of all of these creeps.
Nicole: **** you Tom.
Cruise: You know you want to.
Nicole: I would if could climax.
slinger: &lt;quickly&gt; Lowblow.

Bbf2, thebtskink and Gore all walk up beside Cruise. They all have guns pointed at slinger, Nicole, Reader, the Strip Club DJ, the strippers and spectators.

Cruise: &lt;doing a bad Jack Nicholson impression&gt; Everything's all wrapped up. You guys will be dead, Palance has taken care of Heston, we have control of SMH! and soon bbf2 and thestkink will be rich along with me. I'm already rich so it isn't that big of a deal.
Nicole: What about the hostages?
thebtskink: Crap! Forgot about the hostages!
Cruise: ...........&lt;still doing impression&gt; We'll just leave the hostages here and die. We'll find new ones. I'm sure Dark Horiz..

bbf2: Shh! But enough talking. Lets kill them now. Hate to do this to you slinger. And I guess Reader. But $23 million dollars is just to tempting.
thebtskink: 23? Cruise said 43 originally!
bbf2: Yeah he did! I forgot! Cruise you trying to screw us?
Voice From Behind: He told me 84 originally.

Everyone turns and sees JBond and Malice. JBond has one of the gold PPKs. Malice has a laptop strapped to his chest.

Cruise: JBond what happend to you happens everyday in Hollywood. And on a unrelated topic, SHOOT HIM!!

Bbf2 and thebtskink fire at JBond and Malice. Malice's body flies onto a table. JBond blasts off a few the hit thebtskink's knees. Bbf2 hides behind a table and shoots some at Nicole. Cruise sees this and fires at bbf2. Out of the blue, Superman Ten Minutes Ago dives in front of Nicole and takes the bullets in the 'S'logo. Bbf2 is suprised on what his associate has just done. He is leaning agianst the table with blood streaming down his chest.

bbf2: &lt;pant&gt;&lt;pant&gt; Why? I thought you hated... &lt;pant&gt; her?
Cruise: I just could't see her killed by a screw up. If she has to go, [pointing to self] I do it.
bbf2: Well here.&lt;pant&gt; Help yourself.

Bbf2 tears off the pin of a granade and chucks it at Cruise. Cruise scatters. While this has gone on, Nicole has went to Superman Ten Minutes Ago's aid. The granade goes off. All of a sudden Scientology Spys spring out ala Batman Villian's Henchmen from the 60s TV show. Slinger punches one in the face. POW! Reader chucks a stool at two of them. CLUNK! A Spy with a flamethrower aims for Nicole, but she takes off her slut high heeled shoe and 'frisbees' it to his face.KA-POW!He falls down and pulls the trigger setting the club on fire. Cruise is almost at the fire exit, when from across the club JBond fires a few bullets, 'Matrix'-style. One hits Cruise's knee. Thebtskink hits JBond in the back. Cruise smiles and pushes the fire exit door. JBond elbows thebtskink and then flips him over. JBond heads for the door. The club is almost empty now. Slinger, Reader and Nicole have defeated all of the Scientology Spys. The fire slowly starts to grow.

Strip Club DJ: MY GOD! THE CARNAGE!! THE DESTRUCTION!!! THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY ON THURSDAY!!! MY GOD!!

The Strip Club DJ evacts along with a few strippers. Slinger rushes to Jedi Knight, Reader to Superman.

slinger: JEDI!! Don't die!
Jedi Knight: &lt;breathing hard&gt; Go.... go. Build a new... CS!... A better one.... where Scientology scum.... can do no.. harm to the.... world.
slinger: You can't die! You must lead us! All of us will screw it up!
Jedi Knight: You're.... right. Get me the hell outta here....I must lead.. you.
Reader: How is he?
slinger: Nothing a little long extended hosptial stay won't fix. I hope you have insurance.
Jedi Knight: I think the CS! Moderator Health Plan will cover this.
slinger: But you're not a moderator. Yet.
Jedi Knight: Daammmmmmn.

Jedi Knight slips into a coma. Slinger and Reader lift him up. The whole club is falling apart. Superman Ten Minutes Ago is crawling, heading for the door. Nicole is dragging Superman. A gun is heard being loaded. They turn to see thebtskink pointing a gun at them.

thebtskink: Stop! You ruined my chance at being rich! Me and bbf2 would've rev..revoultionized the internet. But you had to be good at defending yourself. Now you'll stay here and die along side me.

A hot wooden beam falls from above on top of thebtskink. He can't move. He is in pain.

thebtskink: AHHHH! HOTT WOOD!! HOT BEAM!!! AHHH! SYNTHETIC CLOTHING BURNING!!! SPRAY ON CHEST HAIR EVAPORATING!!! SKIN SEARING!!!
slinger: Lets go.

They leave the club just before it collapses.

Outskirts:

Cruise is running to a helicopter that is ready for take off. He is about to climb in when Gore pulls him back and shoves him away onto the ground. Gore kicks Cruise in the face.

Gore: You made friends with the wrong people. Right now Palance and Heston are getting drunk at a bar. And here you are about to be killed by me.
Cruise: Wait. Maybe we can make an agreement. Once I have control you can be President.
Gore: I don't want to run a Scientology country. You never let me do anything I want to do. I'm just like Bush now. And I wanted to be like him, but now I can see it is not what I wanted.

Gore picks up Cruise and proceeds to the moving blades.

Cruise: NO! NO! I'm to beautiful to die!
Gore: Enjoy your flight.

Gore lifts Cruise up, but Gore is shot directly in the head. The two fall down and Cruise sees the shooter. Its his Dark Horizons Associate.

Dark Horizons Associate: You failed me Mr.Cruise. I am disppointed in you.
Cruise: &lt;begging&gt; Please! Another chance. For sure this time!
Dark Horizons Associate: I have waited some time, to get rid of Coming Soon! and now that I have control of it I will destory it. I won't finace any more Scientology Terrorist Acts, or control you but I will have the competition gone. Goodbye Mr.Cruise. I will enjoy hunting you down.

The old man aims and shoots off Cruise's right pointer finger. He turns and walks off. Cruise hops in the helicopter and it takes off. The old man takes out his cell phone and dials.

Dark Horizons Associate: Hello ah Mr.JBond? I have a job for you that you might find of interest.

Outside the Inferno

Crowds have gathered and the fire department as well. An odd car pulls up. It door reads: The Witness Protection Agency. Club America explodes.

FHWOPSHSHHHHHHHHHHH!

[slinger]

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

No medics attend anyone except for Nicole. The Tunis Fire Department arrives on camel. They hop off and start getting the hose set up. Everyone is exauseted. Jedi Knight has awakened from his coma.

Nicole: Really I’m fine. There are two other people who need your help.

The medics rush to Jedi Knight.

Jedi Knight: John.....
Medic One: He’s losing it. How long has he been in the sun?
slinger: HE’S BEEN SHOT!!
Jedi Knight: John..... please....
Reader: Who’s John?
Medic Two: No doubt a transexual stripper he met in the club.
slinger: You mean, all those strippers were MEN?
Medic One: Yes.
Reader: Well it was owned by Tom Cruise, and you know those rumors...
slinger: I feel a little violated. Bet you are too, hey Superman?
Superman: A KNIFE! I NEED A KNIFE!!! TO CUT OFF MY TOUNGUE!!!
Jedi Knight: Oh... there you are... John.

A vision of John Wayne has appeared above Jedi Knight.

John Wayne: Well hello there pil-grim. Looks like you’re in a bit of trouble.
Jedi Knight: Oh yeah the gunshots.
John Wayne: Not the gunshots there. The people working on ya. There dirty people. Just like the savages I ran into in my movies.
Jedi Knight: Thats not like you.

Superman is now trying to cut off his toungue. Nicole is trying to stop him.

John Wayne: Thats what you think, pil-grim.
Jedi Knight: STOP SAYING THAT!!
Medic One: What?!! That you are not going to die? Geez. Lets just leave him
here Grant and lets say we catch a bit to eat at that cantina.
Medic Two: Sure Samuel. I don’t care for ingrates!
John Wayne: I told you, you were in trouble, pil-grim.
Jedi Knight: IT WAS YOU!! YOUR FAULT!!! BECA...

Jedi slips into another coma. Nicole flips Superman over takes the knife and throws it behind her hitting a fireman in the neck. Now some poor people put Jedi onto a stretcher and take him away. The rest stare at what has happened.

Reader: Should we let them just take him away?
slinger: Oh he speaks the language. He knows the land.
Nicole: He does?
slinger: Hell if I know. I mean those medics stole his wallet...
Witness Protection Agency Agent #1: Hello. You all are from CS!?
slinger: (Slinger stares at Reader) Some more than others.

Witness Proection Agency Agent #1: As you know, the Scientologists you were involved with were very powerful. And they may go after you. So to protect you all. You and the other CS! Posters involved in this incident will be put in the Witness Protection Program.
Reader: NOOO!!! I’M TOO YOUNG TO LIVE A HORRIBLE LIFE!!
slinger: Quiet!!! I saw a movie a-boot this. Very erotic.
Witness Proection Agency Agent #2: Well none of you really now what happens. Infact, I’m also in the program. This very job is my new identity.
slinger: See. Very erotic.

Reader: You mean ironic.
slinger: You must be this TALL, TO CORRECT ME!!! [Slinger raises his hand above Reader’s.]
Witness Proection Agency Agent #1: Oy.

Some media types appear infront of the CS! ‘Folk’ and the agents. They start taking pictures, shoving microphones and tape recorders in thier faces and filming them.

Dark Horizons Investigator: Ms.Kidman! What are you doing in Tunisa? Filming a movie? Visting Cruise or Crowe? Who are you with these hard-featured people?
Coming Attractions Operative: Yes? Some are wearing partial Superman costumes? Comedy or the next ‘Superman’ movie?
Ain’t-It-Cool-News Tunsia Corespondent: I don’t see any cameras? Is this anything to do with televison or film?
slinger: Is there a Coming Soon! guy here?
Coming Attractions Operative: A yeah. We superglued him to the hood of his rental!
Reader: As a former employee of CS! I must punch you in the gonads.

Reader goes on his knees, lets his claws come out and punches crotch area of the Coming Attractions Operative. The claws pierce through the area. He screams in a high pitched voice. Nicole kicks the Ain’t-It-Cool-News Reporter, with her high heeled shoe, right in the face. She screams Irish obscenities. The high heel goes
right through the woman’s eye socket. Slinger grabs the Dark Horizons Investigator’s microphone, punches him in the face, shoves the microphone done his throat, and pounds away at the mic, rips some hair out off his head, pulls the earing out of his right ear, takes some duct tape from behind and tapes it all over
the investigator’s legs (wearing shorts) and proceeds to tear them off slowly. Reader taps slinger on the back.

Reader: Um, maybe you should stop.
slinger: But they are the ones behind this!
Reader: How do you know?
slinger: Mirko told me, that if any Scientologists were to take him hostage that Dark Horizons is behind it. So now you know. Bet you can’t guess who’s the puppeteer if Mexican-Germans take Mirko hostage?
Reader: CTV?
slinger: Basta... I mean no.
Witness Proection Agency Agent #1: Okay, enough with the ‘Scooby-Doo’ Detective work. We have to send you to our nearest compund where you will be treated and then we will send you out into a ‘new’ world.

Superman: I call boob inspector.
Witness Proection Agency Agent #2: I’m sorry that job doesn’t exist.
slinger: Say wheres dearest Heston?

Superman looks in disbelief.

Five Drink Minimuim Bar & Grill

Heston and Palance are sitting at a booth. They’ve put away a few plates and plenty of alcohol.

Heston: The beef tasted a little off.
Palance: Says on the menu they get there beef imported from England. Then there is a precautionary warning beside it.
Heston: Damn British! Make me sick! Lets go shoot them up!
Palance: *burp* Should I call up Eastwood and Hackman?
Heston: Sure. And Connery. He hates England. Check please!
Waitress: Here you go?

She waits for a tip but doesn’t get any.

Waitress: Say you weren’t involved in that strip club explosion? You seemed roughed up.
Palance: No we just got in a tuff.
Heston: Was it Club America?
Waitress: Why yes.

Heston gets out of the booth gets on his knees. He pounds the ground.

Heston: YOU MANIACS!!! YOU BLEW IT UP!! DAMN YOU!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!
Waitress: What’s his problem? Its just a tranny club.
Palance: You think you know a guy.

[slinger]

Tunis International Airport

More or less a Subway and two garages put together. Everyone is about to enter the two small Witness Protection Agency planes. Superman is eating a sub and has mayo all over his shirt.

slinger: Ohg. Don't try the meatball sub. I don't think its even made of pork!
Reader: You mean beef. This turkey one tastes different.
slinger: I'm saying the meat balls weren't made of beef or pork. And that guy said the turkey subs are made of tourists that come from Turkey.
Reader: Needs more cheese.
Nicole: Well this has been interesting. I hope to see you people again one day. Maybe one of you will become my pool boys. &lt;Laughs&gt;

Only Superman looks happy. Superman Ten Minutes Ago walks up. He no longer has the Sharpie ink beard on his face.

Superman: Looking good. But how do we tell the difference?
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: Well I don't have mayo and lettuce all over my free shirt I got from the agency.
Witness Proection Agency Agent #1: Okay people. This is goodbye. Your planes will land in the U.S. where you will be given your new identities.
Superman: Excellent! Right in time for St.Patrick's Day!!
slinger: I forgot about that.
Witness Proection Agency Agent #2: I'm sorry you won't be able to celebrate, St.Paddy's Day. You have to get adjusted to your new lives.

Superman and Superman Ten Minutes Ago turn and start banging on the plane. The plane starts to shake and is being dented and falling apart.

Superman and Superman Ten Minutes Ago: I WILL NOT GO ON THE VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED!!! NO!!
Reader: Me and slinger will take that plane.

Back in America
Saturday, March 17, 2001
Outside the Coming Soon! Building

A taxi pulls up and out comes Mirko, Olorin, dubloth, Theta, Kevin Roegele, a clown, a monkey and another clown. All of them are sweating. The clowns and monkey walk there seperate ways.

Mirko: Damn taxi strike.
Olorin: I thought it got hot here in Texas in July.
Theta: So what exactly happend to the hostages?
dubloth: Apparently Dark Horizons got them out before the explosion. So who knows where they all are now.
Kevin Roegele: I feel pretty lucky. I mean nothing bad happend to me.

For some reason the Coming Soon! Building explodes. HOOMBBUISISK!!!! Everyone ducks for cover. The giant 'I' lands on top of Kevin and crushes him. Broken bits of concrete land on the rest.

Olorin: Some one pinch me.
Theta: But you are wearing green.
Mirko: Who? What? Why? DAMN!!!

A helicopter in the air flies by. Its a black helicopter. Cruise's Dark Horizons Associate is in it. He speaks through a head set and is heard on a speaker.

Dark Horizons Associate: So sorry to do that. But I wanted to build a Dairy Queen on my newly bought property.
Mirko: How did you gain ownership?
Dark Horizons Associate: By this transfer of ownership you signed when we brainwashed you.

He holds the paper up. It starts to blow. It flies out of his hand and into the propeller. It shreds into tiny pieces and falls to the ground. The helicopter flies away.

Dark Horizons Associate: Drat!
Mirko: HAHAA! Suck on that DH! Now I still own it.
Theta: But its just a bunch of rubble.
Mirko: So what? I still have SMH! Sure thats going to need repairs too. After being set on fire, and the explosion that just happened beside it. Plus all the redocarating Cruise did, but once thats done, I can rebuild CS! and make it a better CS! Ten times better.
Olorin: You said I. You aren't going to include us?
dubloth: Yeah?
Mirko: 'Cause you're going into the program.

Three Witness Protection Agecny cars pulls up. Out come a dozen agents. They put potatoe sacks over Theta, Olorin and dubloth and drag them to seperated cars.

Mirko: They said I do whatever I wanted. Sorry guys.

The three struggle as the get shoved and beaten in. The doors close and off they drive. Mirko turns to view the remains of CS! and SMH!

Mirko: I wonder where Pagz and Niels went too?

The Horse Plop Bar

Pagz and Niels are sitting at a table that is covered with beer mugs. It's very loud and full of people. They are drunk and surrounded by naked women. They seem to be having the time of their lives.

Pagz: Bartender! Another round for thesesesesse. Whoops. Heh heh. The LADIES!
Niels: This is the best St.Patrick's Day EVER!!!

The two gulp down another green beer. George W. Bush stubles into the bar. He is holding his arm with the arrow still in it and is favouring the leg he was shot in by Gore.

Bush: Hey! You guys from CS!?

Niels nods by taking another sip.

Bush: Thanks for leaving me for dead! Now I'm going to screw everybody! Get ready for big tax cuts for the super rich, no more education funding and I'm getting out of that population thing.
Pagz: You mean... pollution.
Bush: Yeah thats it. Screw it. Lets Texas-Size the global warming thing.
Pagz: Sit down and join us.
Bush: Cool. I haven't had a drink in two weeks.
Niels: Really?

Bush is already gulping beer down.

[slinger]

Larry King's Voice: You must be asking yourselves, so just what happened to Superman, slinger, Jedi Knight, JBond and the rest? Well here are your anwsers.

Superman became a British comedy writer named Barry Balistics. He got to choose his own name. He likes it very much there since he is one of the top ten best looking people in England.

Superman Ten Minutes Ago’s new identity is Tom Hatkins. A Hotdog Guy at Yankee Stadium. He still expeirements with Sharpie ink beards.

Slinger is now known as Hank Kruger, Arron Boy for two private investigators in Chicago, Illinois.

Reader can be found in New Zealand as Reginald Casknew. He proofreads articles for New Zealand magazines.

Nicole's new identity: Nicole Kidman.A decent actress.

Olorin is now Kenny Hopeland a Mexican dirt farmer, with fourteen kids, four ex-wives and one current wife living in the same house. The dirt farming isn't big in Mexico.

Dubloth’s new identity is Ronald Skinner. Alaskan dog trainer who travels with a mime circus occasionally.

Theta can be seen at Chez Haggis. A French-Scottish resturant in Dumbarton, Scotland. He is the owner and goes by the name of Phil McCrackin.

Jedi Knight was taken to the Tunis Brokendown District Hospital. Later released in custody of some locals. Various organs sold to Chinesse. Went into third coma.

JBond was fined a whole month’s salary of a CS! Director for the distruction of the 7-Eleven. Now under employement of the Dark Horizons Associate - Hunting and killing Tom Cruise.

Charlton Heston and Jack Palance paid the bill they incured at the bar and grill. Currently mounting an attack against England, along with Clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman and Sir Sean Connery.

John Travolta died in the 7-Eleven due to unkown causes. His Scientology funeral was broadcast on E!, where Jenifer Lopez went naked and Mellisa and Joan Rivers rated the morners attire.

Kelly Preston, Lisa Marie Preseley and Tony Danza attended the funeral and went on to medicore things. Someone mistook at pile of garbage bags for Danza.

George W. Bush continued his presidency. His weeklong abscense went unkown to the American public. Bush took his revenge out on the world. For his latest act click
on http://www.cnn.com

Tom Cruise escaped. He went on to be a presenter at the Oscars. And he bought some shoes.

The Spider-Man Hype! Hostages, well no one really knows what happened to them. Some say they are out there. Gathering information. For what? Only time will tell.

Niels and Pagz were billed for there weeklong drinking binge. They ended up in Jerome, Arizona where they know are common partons at the Deadly Snake Bar. They make money by selling cucumbers and salsa by the highway.

Kevin Roegele somehow survived being crushed by the giant ‘I’. Under the program he is the night janitor at Channel 4 in London, England.

The 7-Eleven Clerk was fired for leaving the store unattended, as well as the Store Manager. He was fired for having **** fights in the back and selling expired food to Spain and Italy.

Did bbf2 and thebtskink die? The truth is out there.

Al Gore did die.

This is the end.

THE END

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]
[ 06-27-2001: Message edited by: slinger ]

[slinger]

CAST

THE CS! CREW

SUPERMAN ---
SUPERMAN TEN MINUTES AGO ---
SLINGER ---
JBOND ---
BBF2/SAM ---
JEDI KNIGHT ---
OLORIN ---
DUBLOTH ---
THEBTSKINK ---
READER ---
THETA ---
KEVIN ROEGELE ---
PAGZ ---
MIRKO ---
NIELS ---
MARVELREADER ---
MALICE ---

CS! CREW ACQUAINTANCES

CHARLTON HESTON ---
GEOGRE W. BUSH ---
NICOLE KIDMAN ---
AL ---
JOHN WAYNE ---
WITNESS PROTECTION
AGENCY AGENT #1 ---
WITNESS PROTECTION
AGENCY AGENT #2 ---


[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[slinger]

SCIENTOLOGISTS AND THE OTHER BAD GUYS & THE LIKE

JOHN TRAVOLTA ---
TOM CRUISE ---
AL GORE ---
DARK HORIZONS ASSOCIATE ---
KELLY PRESTON ---
LISA MARIE PRESLEY ---
TONY DANZY ---
BARTENDER ---
7-ELEVEN STORE MANAGER ----
COMING ATTRACTIONS OPERATIVE ---
DARK HORIZONS INVESTIGATOR ---
TUNISA CORESPONDANT ---
SCIENTOLOGY SPY ---

NARRATORS

ADAM WEST’S VOICE ---
CHRIS CARTER’S VOICE ---
LARRY KING'S VOICE ---

[slinger]

OTHERS [TUNSIA]

JACK PLANCE ---
ERIC IDLE ---
STRIP CLUB DJ ---
MEDIC ONE ---
MEDIC TWO ---
HOTEL LOBBY GUY ----
FEMALE TEACHER ---
WAITRESS ---
ANTHONY ---

OTHERS [AMERICA]

HUGH HEFNER/SAM ---
KEANU REEVES ---
MCDONALD’S DRIVE-THRU GUY ---
7-ELEVEN CLERK ---
PLAYBOY PLAYMATE #1 ---
PLAYBOY PLAYMATE #2 ---
PLAYBOY PLAYMATE #3 ---

[slinger]

THE CS! POSTERS AND THE SCIENTOLOGISTS WILL RETURN!
LOOK OUT FOR:

The Follow-up To: The CS! Posters' St.Patrick's Day George Walker Bush Style Drinking Bash

aka

How The CS! Posters Spent Memorial Day Weekend

COMING MAY 2001

You must be all brimming with excitment and brimming stuff.


Copyright ©2001

Coming Soon! Forums® - Community Forum

[This message has been edited by slinger (edited 04-19-2001).]

[Reader]

Originally posted by slinger:

READER --- frankie muniz


Ffffffffffuuuuu...rankie muniz...no, I don't see that happening...

[slinger]

But which other child actor could play you?
One of the Olsen twins?

[Reader]

Originally posted by slinger:
SLINGER --- hayden christensen


Well you gave yourself a few years, I think I should at least be the big brother. Because that kid like me beats up nerds like you...

[slinger]

I'm guessing you just scrolled down to the bottom and never read the parts with you in it.

You beat up people? What are all the students at your school four feet? Then of course you would dominate the playground.
Oh, the SMH posters won't like to hear this....

[Reader]

Originally posted by slinger:
I'm guessing you just scrolled down to the bottom and never read the parts with you in it.

You beat up people? What are all the students at your school four feet? Then of course you would dominate the playground.
Oh, the SMH posters won't like to hear this....

Hahaha...no. Just annoying.

Are you blackmailing me?

Why dear fiend, would you do something like that?

[slinger]

I swear if they ever did a sequel to 'The Good Son'....

[slinger]

The sequel is this weekend.

The Coming Soon! Posters’ 5th Holiday Related Event:

The Follow Up to The CS! Posters’ St.Patrick’s Day George Walker Bush Style
Drinking Bash, Titled A Funny Thing Happened To Me On They Way To The Theatre To See ‘Pearl Harbor’ On The Memorial Day Long Weekend

[bbf2]

Why did me and thebtskink turn evil at the end? I read all the parts with me in it through and through and we just sorta come out of nowhere, hit him with a chair, and become evil!

[slinger]

Well the one post where you turn evil, was edited, by accident. So I had to go back and write from the top of my head.

You read it didn't you? For the money.
Don't worry, you'll redeem yourselves.
But you didn't do anything bad really...

[bbf2]

Read 1/2 of it about a month ago, came back to it and skimmed the third fourth, read the last fourth.

[slinger]

Well you make an appearence in the start of the sequel.

[slinger]

It's backkkk....

[slinger]

[quote]Originally posted by slinger:
<strong>It's backkkk....</strong><hr></blockquote>

<a href="http://www.comingsoon.net/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=15&t=000500" target="_blank">Click here for the sequel! Or don't.</a>

[ 10-20-2001: Message edited by: slinger ]</p>

[slinger]

Bam!

[slinger]

Seeing how it's St.Patrick's Day and President Bush has a big annoucement tonight I thought I'd bring this back.

[slinger]

Cleaned it up, fine tuned some stuff. Will have useless facts/trivia tomorrow.:applaud:

[sphericthor]

I have no idea what this is about but as the resident Irishman I have a duty to post in every St. Patrick's Day thread http://img3.photobucket.com/albums/v32/sphericthor/Smilies/grin.gif

[slinger]

Mirko: Anyway, did you guys meet The Rock?
slinger: We never saw him.

The others nod in agreement.

Mirko: How could you not miss him? You work here!

The whole search for The Rock and then that line by Mirko was a lame parody of The Mummy Returns on how The Rock and Brendan Fraser were on the poster and both characters were in the climax yet the Rock technically not on the set.

From IMDb: Despite fighting his character (The Scorpion King) in the finale, at the time of release Brendan Fraser had not met The Rock

Originally for the Quantum Leap scenes, Al was called Hal. Wasn't until later I found out he wasn't called that.

Three years ago Malice's username was 'tech'. I changed it to Malice so those here today could better understand this crazy story.

SUPERMAN --- batman mod at that time
SLINGER --- planet of the apes mod at the time
JBOND --- moderator of movies at that time
BBF2 --- x-men mod at the time
JEDI KNIGHT --- majority liked him at the time, then got mad with power

OLORIN --- lotr moderator at the time
DUBLOTH --- m.i.a., mod at the time
THEBTSKINK --- wasn't mod, but one of the group
READER --- canadian poster, history between us, SHH! member
THETA --- m.i.a.

KEVIN ROEGELE --- uk poster, find him at SHH!
PAGZ --- mod at the time, m.i.a.
MIRKO --- admin
NIELS --- mod at the time, m.i.a.
MARVELREADER --- annoying cs! member
MALICE --- quiet admin

JOHN WAYNE --- think Ryan Stiles WLiiA? impression

slinger: Oooh! Air Force One M&M's. Got any Canada Dry?
Bush: Can.. Cana.. Canadah Dry? I have some Mexican stuff.


Bush basically at that time (and currently) ignored Canada. Being from Texas he was more involved with Mexico while Clinton and our govt. got along pretty good.

Writers
slinger, Theta, Olorin

And I was singing, "My my, this here plunger guy.
I say I love him but I shove him face first to the worst.
He's a good old boy, for him, I would die.
Saying, 'I wish I had married a pie.
I wish I had married a pie.'

Some might remember the Coming Soon Bar Room Brawl. This was created in the Community Forum and helped it grow, since at the time it was pretty quiet. Anyway, in December I started three holiday stories where everyone would post and continue much like Bar Room Brawl. I intended for that to happen for this, but I guess everyone thought not to. Theta is the only one to add something.

The song Eric Idle sings was written by Olorin, or he took credit for it. In the slow Music Forum Olorin, JBond and a couple of others created their own band and this was a song and I believe the only song they had. So I copied and pasted it onto here.

George W. Bush continued his presidency. His weeklong abscense went unkown to the American public. Bush took his revenge out on the world. For his latest act click
on http://www.cnn.com

Well he's still causing trouble.

CS! Director

The Custom Title at the time for mods were Director.

Tunis Brokendown District Hospital.
Tunis, Tunsia, Friday, March 16, 2001, The Tasche Station Hotel.

The whole point of going to Tunsia was a nod to Star Wars and The X-Files movie.

CHARLTON HESTON --- joked about, Jibbs registered as Charleton Heston, I was POTA mod too, NRA President
GEOGRE W. BUSH --- AL GORE --- both of course subject to jokes, they are usernames here too. I wanted a long title and Bush was known to be a former drinker. Buddies with Heston.

JACK PLANCE --- needed someone old, tough (Curly)
ERIC IDLE --- just saw Meaning of Life prior to writing that part
STRIP CLUB DJ --- just an idea if J.R. from WWE was a strip club dj
KEANU REEVES --- constantly made fun of at cs!, so came up with well he worked here that's why they make fun of him, plus who doesn't like the dogstar reference.

[slinger]

Superman: BOOIA

On the boards, Olorin claimed 'Booya'! As his own, so the knock off is Booia!

Jedi Knight: What are you talking about? Cops, Amercia’s Most Wanted, Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, Jerry Springer, The View, The Price Is Right, Coffee Talk with Linda Richman, The Sammy Maudlin Show....

Coffee Talk is of course the SNL sketch, Maudlin is from SCTV.

On a nearby road just outside the 7-Eleven, Heston is driving a 1988 Aries.
Heston: You better have not have dinged up my car, you surburbs trash.
Superman Ten Minutes Ago: The ‘88 Aries?

The reason behind Heston's choice of car: Maybe you've been to the website that has all these funny commericials, anyway one was a parody of a car commericial where I guy drove a '88 Dodge Aries and thought it was the best.

Chris Carter's Voice: Previously on CS! Drinking Bash.

He would always do that on The X-Files, where most shows have actors from the show do it.

As Superman, slinger and Jedi Knight watch the gritty catfight, the firealarm goes off.

slinger: Anyway, do you think they’ll believe that Hollywood celebrities are trying to take over America by taking over a internet site. A movie internet site. I mean not even the fire department came to put out that mysterious fire at the SMH!
Building.

I just put in the fire because the topic had 25 replies and at the time any thread with 25+ posts had the folder on fire image. So that's why. Lame or cool?

JBond: Quick! To the Coming Soon! Lighthouse!
bbf2: But that place smells like seagulls!
JBond: I know, and its not even near water!

Cut to The CS! Lighthouse, situated on 4th and Fermor.

Back then the CS! Main Site had a banner with a lighthouse, and the beams would swing by with 'Do you know what's coming soon?' I included the banner in that post. Just found it odd having a lighthouse. Now they use images from current movies.

slinger: Hey! How about ‘The Lone Gunmen’?
dubloth: Another great show. I hope Fox doesn’t cancel it.

Three months later Fox cancelled it. It had good ratings on Sunday, bad on Fridays.