2. Disneyland: The Craziest Place on Earth

[JBond]

This my second large fanfic. Once again, I divided it into parts and will post one every now and then. I'd apperciate it if you DIDN'T add on, since the whole story is already on my computer. It's hard to divide them nicely in parts sometimes, so some are large, some are short. Sorry, but the first part is short. Enjoy, and please tell me what you think!

Part One

Reporter: So Jedi, now that you defeated Regis and stole his money (and wasted it), what are you going to do next?
Jedi Knight: I’m going to Disneyland!!!
Reporter: Ha ha, no really!
Jedi Knight: I’m serious...I’m really going to Disneyland...the guys are going to pick me up later today after they pick up Superman from somewhere.
Reporter: Oh...so I see.
Jedi Knight: Yeah....and who invited you into my house anyway? I’m trying to sleep!

<Later that day>
<JBond, Superman, Olorin and dubloth are driving in a blue 1995 Plymouth Neon with a big ugly yellow mark on the side that JBond’s mother put on it while driving>

JBond: You know, this is the last time I’m picking you up from the police station....I think it’s time for dubloth to start doing it.
dubloth: Hey! I already have to pick up Olorin from his weekly therapy sessions!
Olorin: Monthly!
Superman: Hey JBond, it wasn’t my fault this time!! I left the house, realized I accidentally left my keys on the counter, broke in the window and got them and left!!
JBond: Supes...it wasn’t your house!
Superman: Well that would explain the pictures of Jessica Alba in the house.
dubloth: What were you doing in her house?!?
Superman: Well the windows to her bedroom her too dirty to....ah never mind.

<They go to pick up Jedi Knight and JBond hits his mailbox, mail flies everywhere>

Jedi Knight: Hey guys, how’s going?
JBond: Great! Superman got arrested again!
Superman: They named a cell after me!
Jedi Knight: Great......hey, is that my National Geographic magazine renewal on your windshield?!
JBond: Why um....don’t know what you’re talking about? <Hits windshield wipers>

<They drive onto the interstate to the Airport>

Olorin: There’s a Wienermobile behind us.
JBond: .........just be quiet during this trip, ok?!?
Olorin: No really, look.

<An Oscar Meyer Wienermobile goes to their side and zooms right in front of them>

JBond: What the hell!? That wiener just cut me off!!

<The guys park in the Airport’s parking lot and enter the Airport>

Jedi Knight: So which flight are we taking?
dubloth: I forgot, let’s check the screen.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">code:</font><hr /><pre style="font-size:x-small; font-family: fixed;"> Arrivals Departures
Flight # Status Flight # Status


6645 On Time 2856 On Time
9837 On Time 0852 On Time
9375 Delayed 7875 Repairing Faulty Engines
4867 No Fuel 3339 Sobering Up Pilot
1905 It's Right Behind You 5765 Doesn't Look Good
3784 Crashed 7077 Searching for &quot;alleged&quot; Bomb
2996 Hijacked by Arab Terrorists 6254 Damned</pre><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JBond: There it is, Flight number 5765.
Olorin: Hmmm....doesn’t look good!
Intercom: Balga blarg fa~ra knack~~guga habba.
Superman: Oh good, that’s our flight! Let’s go.

&lt;The guys approach the metal detector, JBond walks through first&gt;

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Security Guy: Please step back and empty your pockets into this bin.

&lt;JBond puts his Walther PPK gun into the bin&gt;

Security Guy: ...what the hell is this?!?
JBond: It’s a gun, what’s it look like....oh I’m sorry, forgot to mention I was a Secret Agent! But don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret!
Security Guy: ...hey I know you! You’re very famous! Hey everyone loves you here!
JBond: Well! I’m touched, I-
Security Guard: Shut up, I was talking to Superman here!
Superman: Thank you, I always appreciate a fan!
Security Guy: Hey, we could really use you in security. With your X-Ray Vision, we could get rid of this pricey machine!
JBond: Um, can I pass?
Security Guy: What?! Oh sure, whatever. &lt;Throws Bond his gun aimlessly&gt;

&lt;An annoyed JBond, Olorin and dubloth pass through&gt;

Superman: So how much does the job pay?
Security Guy: $5.50 an hour
Superman: Oh....well that IS better than the nothing I get paid to save the world from villainy now!! ....but I have to go.

&lt;Superman gets on the plane and sits down with the others&gt;

<small>[ 02-02-2002, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: JBond ]</small>

[Superman]

Originally posted by JBond:
<STRONG>Jedi Knight: Hey guys, how’s going?
JBond: Great! Superman got arrested again!
Superman: They named a cell after me!
Jedi Knight: Great......hey, is that my National Geographic magazine renewal on your windshield?!
JBond: Why um....don’t know what you’re talking about? &lt;Hits windshield wipers&gt;



Arrivals Departures
Flight # Status Flight # Status


6645 On Time 2856 On Time
9837 On Time 0852 On Time
9375 Delayed 7875 Repairing Faulty Engines
4867 No Fuel 3339 Sobering Up Pilot
1905 It's Right Behind You 5765 Doesn't Look Good
3784 Crashed 7077 Searching for "alleged" Bomb
2996 Hijacked by Arab Terrorists 6254 Damned


[08-15-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]</STRONG>

Excellent Bond! That was so damn hilarious, just like old times. The two selected scenes are already qualified for the hall of fame! :D

[dubloth]

hahah kick ass dude!

[rObix]

damned! hahahaha...funny schtuff bond.

[JBond]

Stewardess: Please remain in your seats while the seatbelt light is on. The exits are located near the bathrooms. However, we recommend that you don’t use them for you will be sucked into space along with many others. The in-flight movie is a choice between Die Hard 2, Alive, and Final Destination. We have a choice of meals as well. There is the lasagna and steak…or was in lasagna and fish...maybe it was fish and steak......bah! Doesn’t matter, s**ts all the same! By the way, “Gremlin on the side of the wing” jokes will NOT be tolerated. So enjoy your flight and remember to visit our website www.pilotswithglasseyes.com, (http://www.pilotswithglasseyes.com,) Thank you!

Olorin: Anyway, I think we should plan exactly what we are going to do there. So, I have an itinerary by the minute on what we are going to do, where, and WHY! You dub, can take a restroom break at 12:13 and 2:44, IF we are on schedule at that time!
dubloth: ...&lt;puts on headphones&gt;
Olorin: *sigh* What do you think about my schedule Bond...Bond?
JBond: &lt;To Stewardess&gt; Baby, you’re so hot you should have a warning label: May be habit forming! Heh heh heh!
Stewardess: ...I don’t date flying customers...it just doesn’t work! They live in one city while I keep moving! ...and I don’t appreciate your hand on my butt!
JBond: Hey, we don’t have to get married, sex once a week will be just fine! ...and that’s not my hand on your butt. &lt;JBond rams the seat in front of him&gt;
Superman: Damnit, Bond. I was only sampling!

&lt;Food is served saaay....An hour later?&gt;

Stewardess: &lt;Hands food to Bond&gt; Here you go sir, this lasagna is to DIE for!
JBond: Or to die from…
Olorin: Well...this sushi would be a lot better if it was cooked…or at least killed!

&lt;Olorin fish flips off the plate and under the seat&gt;

Superman: Well I got lucky, my steak is pretty good...taste a little like a shoe...but not bad!

&lt;A guy wearing only one shoe walks up the aisle to Superman and takes his “steak”&gt;

slinger: Damnit, I was looking for that!

&lt;Slinger walks away&gt;

Superman: &lt;Calls out to slinger&gt; Hey, you might want to put more salt on that!
Jedi Knight: Oh stewardess! My friend Bond here would like to know if he could visit the cockpit.
JBond: Bite me.
Stewardess: Well, normally we could, but today there are no pilots that allow the-
dubloth: Did you say no pilots?!
slinger: NO PILOTS!?!?
Olorin: WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!

&lt;Pilot steps out of the cockpit&gt;

Pilot: CALM DOWN EVERYBODY! I am the pilot, and this plane is in safe hands!

&lt;Plane starts to dive&gt;

Pilot: Oh right! The controls!

Stewardess: Anyway...If you look out the window to your right, you will see endless clouds…clouds as far as the eye can see….just look at them....makes you think doesn’t it.....I mean…what’s under the clouds? Do we really know that there is land under there? What if...World War III broke out and it’s all radioactive rubble down there...MAYBE, you never know! Maybe we’ll all die from radiation. There are no certainties...anyway we should be landing in L.A. in about 30 minutes...I need a Lithium.
&lt;Plane lands in Los Angles and they leave the airport and go to a car rental service and notice about 10 crap cars in the lot&gt;

Olorin: Not really much to choose from!

&lt;They see the owner walk up to them with an awkward look on his face&gt;

JBond: Hi, we’re looking for a car to rent over to Disneyland, can you help us?
Man: Qué?
JBond: Ah crap, do any of you speak Spanish?
dubloth: All I know is “Is your daughter busy tonight?”
Jedi Knight: We need…to rent...a car!
Superman: He’s Spanish, not dumb.
JBond: &lt;JBond notices a Mercedes-Benz in lot and points to it&gt; Um, we need un coche!
Man: Esta coche no es para venta!
JBond: Didn’t catch that…maybe we should walk up to it and point to it.

&lt;The group goes up to the very nice Mercedes-Benz and JBond points to it&gt;

JBond: We would like THIS one!
Man: Tú no comprende?! Esta coche es MINA!
Superman: Boy, he is awfully rude, isn’t he! I say we just take it and pay him when we get back, he’ll understand.

&lt;JBond swipes the keys and the group gets into the car&gt;

Man: Bastardos!! &lt;Man leaves for a minute and returns with a shotgun&gt; Esa MI coche!! &lt;Fires a few shots as the group drive away quickly&gt;

JBond: What the hell!! He’s acting as if we were stealing his car!!
Olorin: Hmm...

&lt;The gang drives up to the entrance of the park&gt;

Minimum Wage Employee: That’ll be $50
dubloth: What the hell!?! There is no way we are paying that much just to ride on your stupid rides!!
Minimum Wage Employee: No sir, it cost $30 to go on the rides.
dubloth: Oh...well that’s a lot better...thank you.
Minimum Wage Employee: You bet. You see, the $50 is for parking.
JBond: .....we’ll walk.

&lt;They turn their car around and park it at a McDonalds and walk up to the park walls&gt;

Superman: &lt;with a smirk&gt; Wouldn’t you know it, it has a barbwire fence surrounding it, hahaha!
Jedi Knight: You see, because he can fly, he laughs at the sight of a one-dimensional barrier.
Olorin: Ahhhhh
Security Guard: Hey!! Get away from there!
Jedi Knight: &lt;waves hand&gt; We don’t need to get away from the fence!
Security Guard: Yes....
Jedi Knight: Repeat it!!
Security Guard: You don’t need to get away from the fence.
Jedi Knight: Good...now go away and forget all about this.
Security Guard: Yes....that sounds....nice...
Olorin: You know....you could have gotten him to let us in!
Jedi Knight: Next time a guard comes by, YOU can do the mind tricks!
Security Guard #2: You shouldn’t be here! Leave immediately!!

&lt;JBond shoots him in the chest and steals his uniform and badge&gt;

JBond: I just love doing things my way!
Olorin: Um, couldn’t he die now?!
JBond: Ha ha ha, he’ll be fiiiiine. I used a silencer!
Olorin: ......

&lt;They walk up to the spot where you normally pay to get in&gt;

Minimum Wage Employee #2: &lt;To JBond&gt; Hey, you don’t look familiar. Are you new to Security?
JBond: You have no idea!
Minimum Wage Employee #2: Have those people with you paid yet? Let me see their ticket stubs!
JBond: Um...how about I buy you dinner instead....sweety!
Minimum Wage Employee #2: &lt;blushes&gt; Oh alright, here’s my address, pick me up at 7! You guys can go through.
Jedi Knight: Wow Bond…I’ll never doubt your charm again...
Olorin: Me neither....I mean…that was a guy!!
JBond: We would have had to pay $120
dubloth: Haha, that guy’s going to be crushed when no one picks him up!
JBond: Well....what do you mean?
dubloth: ...you’re going to go!?!
JBond: Date’s a date

&lt;DISNEYLAND: 23 DAYS SINCE OUR LAST ROLLER COASTER RELATED DEATH&gt;

&lt;Outside of the gate, a figure emerges from a limo. The figure peers at the group from binoculars&gt;

Mystery Person: Ha ha ha!! All is going to plan!
Assistant: Plan? What plan? They went to the amusement park!
Mystery Person: Shut up you!

[rObix]

a dates a date..hehe..

[Link]

Security Guard #2: You shouldn’t be here! Leave immediately!!

&lt;JBond shoots him in the chest and steals his uniform and badge&gt;

JBond: I just love doing things my way!

HAHA! :D

[ 08-16-2001: Message edited by: Link ]

[fractal_inversion]

HEhe. Funny. I hope the guys are going to unearth the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney. That would be funny too.

[JBond]

Originally posted by fractal_inversion:
<STRONG>HEhe. Funny. I hope the guys are going to unearth the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney. That would be funny too.</STRONG>

I'm not sure, but I don't remember that being in the rest of the story. Sorry ;)

[fractal_inversion]

BUT ITS DISNEYLAND!!! THINK OF THE INSANE LITTLE CHILDREN!!

[thebtskink]

I love this story!!! Keep it coming!!!

[Superman]

Originally posted by JBond:
<STRONG>[Superman: Well I got lucky, my steak is pretty good...taste a little like a shoe...but not bad!

&lt;A guy wearing only one shoe walks up the aisle to Superman and takes his “steak”&gt;

slinger: Damnit, I was looking for that!

&lt;Slinger walks away&gt;

Superman: &lt;Calls out to slinger&gt; Hey, you might want to put more salt on that!
</STRONG>

This one had me cracking up big time. The story has been great so far Bond, encore encore!

[JBond]

JBond: So uh...what do you want to do?
Jedi Knight: Roller coasters!
Superman: Games!
dubloth: I’m kind of hungry
Olorin: Can we go home now?
JBond: Well before we do anything, I need to get some money. Can any of you lend me any?
Superman: Why don’t you just get some from one of the ATM’s?
JBond: They have ATM’s here?!
Superman: Oh yeah! I think there are 40 ATM’s this year, they even have them in the bathrooms!
JBond: They have ATM’s in the bathrooms?!
Superman: Well yeah, the toilets don’t take coins?
JBond: ....bastards.

&lt;JBond walks over to the ATM machine and inserts his card&gt;

ATM: PLEASE ENTER YOUR 4 DIGIT PIN

&lt;JBond enters 5391 (no, that isn’t really my PIN :))&gt;

ATM: YOU NOW HAVE 10 SECONDS TO DEPOSIT $20 BEFORE YOUR PIN IS ANNOUNCED OVER THE LOUD SPEAKER. 10...9...&gt;
JBond: Son of a... &lt;JBond pulls out his gun and aims it at the infernal machine&gt;
ATM: WOULD YOU SETTLE FOR 10?

&lt;JBond fires three shots at it&gt;

ATM: JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, BOND?
JBond: Um....
ATM: YOU WILL PAY
JBond: Crap

&lt;JBond runs away from the ATM just before it explodes in a money filled fireball&gt;

dubloth: Now what did you do, Bond?!
JBond: Make that 39 ATM’s!
Jedi Knight: Well did you get your money?

&lt;Cash starts to fall from the sky&gt;

JBond: Shouldn’t be a problem!
Jedi Knight: Super. Let’s go on a roller coaster now!
dubloth: Which do you want to go on first?
Superman: Let’s try that new “upper class” roller coaster, only the coolest people are on it!
Jedi Knight: Sounds good

&lt;they go over to the ‘Snooty Dragon’&gt;

Olorin: Hey look, they have alcoholic drinks in a vending machine.
JBond: Oooo!

&lt;JBond pops in 5 dollars of quarters and gets a Martini in a can, opens it up and it blows up in his face&gt;

JBond: ...shaken, not stirred…
Olorin: Hey, who’s that guy up there by the roller coaster

silent rOb: You can go, you can go, you can go...YOU, stay!
Empire of Dust: Awwwww!

Superman: Looks like a bouncer.

&lt;The gang approaches the Bouncer. The Bouncer sees one man wearing colorful spandex and a cape, another wearing a 40 year old tuxedo…and two other funny looking people&gt;

silent rOb: I’m sorry, but I can’t let you on this roller coaster...you don’t fit the profile.
JBond: Are you sure? &lt;JBond opens his tuxedo to reveal his gun&gt; I think you should let us by!
silent rOb: &lt;calmly pulls out his radio&gt; Yeah....drunken man with a gun....can I get some security here to arrest him?....Ah hell, let me arrest them all...they probably did something illegal in their lives!
JBond: Crap.

&lt;The group runs away&gt;

silent rOb: Heh...heh...heh! &lt;On radio&gt; Send in....GOOFY!!

dubloth: Can you believe that guy, was going to arrest us on the assumption that we did something illegal in our lives! Me? I never have!
Olorin: What about when you were a postal worker?
dubloth: ...Oh yeah! Haha, they got what they deserved…damn people don’t know their own friends and families zip code!

Goofy: Stop right there. You have been ordered to leave this area immediately under section 7.22.82 of the Disneyland violation code. I suggest you leave before I haul your asses out of here....Hu-YUCK!!
Jedi Knight: Hey look over there! It’s Minnie Mouse!!
Goofy: Not falling for that one, although I would like a piece of that ass!
Superman: &lt;To Bond&gt; I think we should make a run for it!
JBond: I’m not seeing Minnie anywhere, what is Jedi on?
Goofy: &lt;To Superman and JBond&gt; You two!! Come with me! &lt;To Olorin, Jedi and dubloth&gt; You three can go, we only have so much room in our underground jail!
dubloth: Heh, sucks to be you guys!

&lt;JBond, Superman and Goofy enter the underground jail&gt;

[ 08-18-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]

[EmpireOfDust]

Hahaha!!! Great JB!!! I dont get it when i said "awww" though, that sorta came out of nowhere...

[Superman]

Hahaha, this is great stuff!

[thebtskink]

good stuff

[Godzilla]

Funny as hell! :D :D :D

[JBond]

Doomsday: You know, you can’t just stick all of those that disobey the law into jail cells. People need to be rehabilitated and helped, not just thrown into overcrowded prisons where they just wait for parole and go back to their criminal ways! All the jails do is make us tax payers have to pay more just so we can think we are doing something good for the country, well we are kidding ourselves, we are just hiding from the fact that it isn’t as simple as locking someone up to get rid of our problems. We need to do better than that; we need to HELP these people out!
Goofy: Whatever man, you stole 50 pounds of cotton candy, now sit in your cell and shut up!
Superman: Why is it necessary to lock us up?
Goofy: I’m under specific orders to lock you up, you will remain here until the GREAT ONE arrives!
JBond: Uh huh...well I have just one question to ask you.....so are you a dog or not? I mean...if you’re a dog, what’s Pluto?

&lt;Goofy hits JBond&gt;

Goofy: AHHH!! I HATE that question…you wouldn’t believe how often I get asked that!! I’m just a f***ing Disney character!!!

&lt;Goofy locks them into the jail cell with Doomsday&gt;

Doomsday: ...
Superman: ...
Doomsday: ...don’t I know you from somewhere?
JBond: The name’s Bond...Jam-
Doomsday: I wasn’t talking to you fruity!! I was talking to CAPE boy here!
Superman: I know who you are NOW! You bastard...you were the one who sold me those “magic” beans that were suppose to grow into trees that grow money on the branches!
JBond: Money doesn’t grow on trees.
Doomsday: Well you should have known anyone with beans that could produce endless money wouldn’t need to sell them! Besides, the check you used to purchase those lima beans bounced!
Superman: ...well it’s the least I could have done…after all, you DID kill me that one time!
JBond: ...so anyway, I think we have to find a way to get that key from him.

&lt;Goofy’s ears stick up&gt;

Goofy: Ha ha ha! I heard that! I have a plan that makes it impossible for you to get this key in any way!

&lt;Goofy holds the key above his open mouth and drops it in&gt;

Goofy: Heh heh-GAAAAACK!!......stuck......in.....throoooooooat!

&lt;Goofy falls over dead&gt;

Superman: Do you think that was part of his plan?
Doomsday: NOW how are we going to get out of here?
Superman: No problem, James Bond here always has the right gadgets for the problems that come up! What do you have for us today, Bond?
JBond: Um, the transmitter and the receiver of a homing device, a watch that tells the time in Pakistan, a suicide pill, a Pez dispenser, and a multi-functional cutting device.
Superman: Oh good, use that!
JBond: Actually it’s just a Swiss Army knife...&lt;hopeful&gt; but maybe we can use this uh...magnifying glass and...get the light to go through it and...burn through the bars!
Doomsday: I have a worthy suggestion for the suicide pill...
Superman: Is that really you in the James Bond movies?!?
Doomsday: Hmmm...I know what we can do...

&lt;Doomsday takes the watch and wraps it around the Swiss Army Knife. Then he flips out the knife and stabs through the Pez dispenser and into the homing device. Then he pops the suicide pill into the Pez dispenser&gt;

JBond: Hmmm, what are you going to do with that?

&lt;Doomsday throws the contraption at JBond and hits him in the head&gt;

Doomsday: That’s what I think of your stupid gadgets!! Now get us the hell out of here!!

&lt;silent rOb and the Mystery Person enter the room&gt;

JBond: Oh my goodness, it’s, IT’S...
Regis: That’s right, Bond!! The king is back!! And now I got you guys just where I want you, in jail...now I can do to you what I please! And it feels GREAT!
Doomsday: Who the hell is this is, and please tell me he’s not talking about what it sounds like!
JBond: Long story.
Superman: ...actually it’s pretty simple, we went on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and we made a mess of everything and this Jedi friend we have robbed him blind…the bastard also cheated me out of a million.
Regis: What did you call me?! I’ll kill you!! &lt;Regis gets his own keys and starts to open the jail cell&gt;
silent rOb: No!!...that would be letting them out!
Regis: Oh right...what should we do with them?
silent rOb: Don’t look at me...I’m just the henchman.
Regis: Well you’re no help...get me the gun.
silent Rob: ...you didn’t say anything about a gun.
Regis: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF HENCHMAN ARE YOU?!? Now I have Superman and JBond in a cell, and I can’t kill them!! ...and would someone wake up Goofy!!

&lt;Meanwhile, JBond picks up the Pakistanian Suicidal Swiss-Pez device...that homes, and throws it at Regis through the bars&gt;

Regis: Gaaaaa! &lt;drops the keys&gt;

&lt;Superman grabs the keys and unlocks the cell and gets out while throwing silent rOb and Regis into the cell and locking them up&gt;

JBond: Yes!! Now let’s get out of here!

&lt;Superman and JBond exit&gt;

Doomsday: Uh guys, you didn’t let me get out of the cell...guys?!
Regis: Damnit!! Now WE are locked up...why did you just let them throw you in here!?
silent rOb: I’m sorry, it was all happening so fast!! If I had known he had a Pakistanian Suicidal Swiss-Pez device, I would have handled the situation better!

&lt;8 feet tall Doomsday looks at Regis and clenches his fist&gt;

Regis: Save me!!

Olorin: So...do you think JBond and Superman are ok?
Jedi Knight: They’ll be fine, Superman is an immortal being!
dubloth: And what about Bond?
Jedi Knight: He’ll be alright...he has that Pez dispenser that I gave him.
dubloth: So what do you guys want to do...Olorin?
Olorin: Wow...look at that woman over there!! She’s HOT!!

(Because CS only allows 8 pictures in a post, I had to split up this scene....ACTION!)

Warpedchick: :)
Olorin: :cool:
Warpedchick: :D
Olorin: :confused:

[ 08-19-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]

[JBond]

Warpedchick: ;)
Olorin: :D
Warpedchick: :D
Jedi Knight: :D
Olorin: :mad:
Jedi Knight: :(
Warpedchick: :D
Olorin: :D

&lt;Olorin walks off with Warpedchick&gt;

Jedi Knight: Damn, all I want is ONE date!!
dubloth: Don’t look at me pal!

[Madness]

Suberb Story, Double-O, keep it up!

[Doomsday]

I can't believe I've never read this stuff, I am great, aren't I? :D

[Link]

Great Story read it all...

[Superman]

Great job man, these get better everytime you post!

[Godzilla]

Originally posted by JBond:
<STRONG>&lt;Goofy falls over dead&gt;


[ 08-19-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]</STRONG>

Goofy! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[thebtskink]

Bwahahahahah

[JBond]

Originally posted by Godzilla:
<STRONG>

Goofy! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!</STRONG>

Hu-YUCK!

[JBond]

Olorin: So Warpedchick, what’s your real name?
Warpedchick: I am Xerox, daughter to Zoloft and Zyban.
Olorin: ...oh, ok.
Warpedchick: I’m here to collect samples for my trip...back home.
Olorin: Samples...like, butterfly samples?
Warpedchick: I come from a place where there aren’t many men.
Olorin: What you mean like an All Girls College? How old are you?
Warpedchick: I am 20 Earth years of age.
Olorin: And I’m 9 Mars years of age! Haha...heh.....where are we going?
Warpedchick: We are going to Space Mountain.
Olorin: Oh, well actually we’ve already been to Space Mountain today. Dubloth lost his hat and Jedi lost his lunch.
Warpedchick: Oh I don’t mean that Space Mountain, this one is MUCH further away!
Olorin: You mean the one in Florida?
Warpedchick: You don’t get it, do you...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Superman: Well that should hold Regis for a while!
JBond: Heh heh! So what’d you do with Regis’ keys?
Superman: Oh I have them right…hmmm, I think I left them in the cell!
JBond: Oh great, so we probably have about a few minutes before he realizes this! He have to get out of here as SOON as...oh look, a shooting game!
Superman: *Sigh*

&lt;JBond walks over to the shooting game&gt;

thebtskink: Well step right this way sir and test your shooting ability!
JBond: Don’t mind if I do!

&lt;thebtskink hands JBond a BB rifle&gt;

thebtskink: Do you have any gun experience, Sir?
JBond: Little bit.
thebtskink: You see, now what you have to do is shoot as many of the ducks that go by with the 10 shots you got in there, go!

&lt;JBond fires but it doesn’t work&gt;

Superman: Gun jam, Bond?! Hahaha!
thebtskink: Hmm, this happens ever now and then, you kind of have to shake it like- No not like that but at an 35 degree angle and you must-
JBond: Aw hell!!

&lt;Bond takes out his PPK and shoots at the ducks with little bits of yellow plastic shards flying everywhere&gt;

JBond: What do I get!?

&lt;thebtskink takes the rifle back and hits JBond over the head with it and he falls over unconscious&gt;

thebtskink: Sorry ‘bout that, didn’t know he’d go out like that!
Superman: Hey, don’t apologize to me! I thought that has hilarious!
thebtskink: So when should he come back?
Superman: Oh I’d say about 23 minutes...no wait, that's his drunken response time...hit in the head by objects or jealous husbands is more like 17 minutes...it’s an exact science with him!
thebtskink: I see...
Superman: Want to know how long it takes him to recover from being shot!?
thebtskink: ...who shoots him?
Superman: Oh you know, villains, shop owners, pedestrians, drivers...jealous husbands.
thebtskink: Geez!
Superman: Yeah...I shot him once.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

dubloth: Where the hell is Olorin?!
Jedi Knight: Don’t look at me!
dubloth: Why the hell would I look at you?! Did you swallow Olorin?!
Jedi Knight: Hey, all I meant was that I don’t know where he is!
dubloth: Well of COURSE you don’t know where he is!! If you knew where he was you would tell me!!
Jedi Knight: You know, you can be REAL annoying when-

*Announcement*
ATM:*THE PIN OF FRIZZO KLOWN IS 9-1-2-5....I REPEAT 9-1-2-5....THANK YOU
*End Announcement*

Frizzo: &lt;In the distance&gt; DAMNIT, THE HELL!!!!!!

Jedi Knight: ...
Olorin: Hey guys, I’m back! That girl was out of this WORLD!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

&lt;JBond starts to wake up&gt;

Superman: Hmm, he’s still not fully awake...sometimes this works. &lt;slaps Bond&gt;

*Thump*

thebtskink: He’s...unconscious again.

&lt;5 minutes later, Bond wakes up and looks at his watch&gt;

JBond: 23 minutes?! I should have been up 5 minutes ago? ...you slapped me, didn’t you Supes?
Superman: Sorry man!
thebtskink: Wow...you really are hated!
JBond: Hey, it’s one of the hardships of the job!
thebtskink: Don’t tell me about hardships of jobs, look where I work now!!...well, did work.
JBond: Yeah, sorry about that.
thebtskink: Anyways, at one point things were looking really good for me! I was on my way to a real successful worm business! We had the worm farms set up, the cans to ship them in, and the machines to put the worms in the cans...all we needed was a name for the business! We thought it would be too unoriginal to have a name with Worms in it, so we decided on Cans “R” Us. I don’t know what it was, but I guess customers didn’t want to eat something from a company that sounded like “Cancerous.”
Superman: I see what you me— wait a minute, EAT?!
JBond: Well anyway, it was nice of you to stick around while I was unconscious.
thebtskink: Hey, no problem. Want to see a trick I learned before I got this job?
JBond: Sure!
thebtskink: Ok, first I will have to see your wallet.

&lt;JBond hands thebtskink his wallet&gt;

thebtskink: Ok, now you need to—

&lt;thebtskink runs away and is gone in seconds&gt;

Superman: ......I don’t think he’s coming back.

[ 08-20-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]

[Superman]

Originally posted by JBond:
<STRONG>

*Announcement*
ATM:*THE PIN OF FRIZZO KLOWN IS 9-1-2-5....I REPEAT 9-1-2-5....THANK YOU
*End Announcement*

Frizzo: &lt;In the distance&gt; DAMNIT, THE HELL!!!!!!


thebtskink: Hey, no problem. Want to see a trick I learned before I got this job?
JBond: Sure!
thebtskink: Ok, first I will have to see your wallet.

&lt;JBond hands thebtskink his wallet&gt;

thebtskink: Ok, now you need to—

&lt;thebtskink runs away and is gone in seconds&gt;

Superman: ......I don’t think he’s coming back.

[ 08-20-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]</STRONG>

That was funny as hell man! Bravo!

[Frizzo the Clown]

Originally posted by JBond:
<STRONG>
*Announcement*
ATM:*THE PIN OF FRIZZO KLOWN IS 9-1-2-5....I REPEAT 9-1-2-5....THANK YOU
*End Announcement*

Frizzo: &lt;In the distance&gt; DAMNIT, THE HELL!!!!!!</STRONG>


Wow! I made a cameo! Cool! And here I didn't think that I'd show up at all.....!
but the jokes on you..thats not really my pin number!

[ 08-21-2001: Message edited by: Frizzo the Clown ]

[thebtskink]

I stole Jibbond's wallet!!! Neener neener neener!!! :p

[JBond]

dubloth: So where the hell have you been?!
Olorin: I was with that girl, she was real unique!
Jedi Knight: I don’t know, she was cute and all, but she kind of seems like...an alien.
Olorin: You’re just jealous!
dubloth: Actually, I’m going to have to agree with him here. Something about the way she looked.
Jedi Knight: Yeah, like in that one movie where that female alien is sent to Earth to take all men from Earth to put into slavery!
dubloth: That was a GREAT movie! I saw that TWICE in the theater!
Jedi Knight: Really? I only got to see it once...how was it the second time?
dubloth: Not that great, it was kind of predicable.
Olorin: Uh, HELLO?! You were going to say what was wrong with my girl!
Jedi Knight: Oh right, it was something with her eyes. The way she just blinked one eye, then the other...then the other.
Olorin: Whatever man!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

JBond: I can’t believe he just ran off with my wallet like that...I mean, you’d think he would have hit me, then ran off! I could have shot him!
Superman: Why didn’t you?
JBond: I don’t know, kind of felt sorry for him. Besides, I think I knew him, he was in the same class as me for something.
Superman: Bond...you have no class!

Jedi Knight: Olorin...she was an Extra Terrestrial!!
Olorin: ...what are you trying to say?

JBond: Hey it’s them! YO GUYS!
dubloth: Ah, so you got out of the situation!
Superman: Well sort of, we escaped but now Regis is around looking for with intentions to kill us.
Olorin: ...Regis? Are you guys feeling ok?
JBond: He’s telling the truth, he’s MAD I tell ya!
Jedi Knight: Regis is always mad!
JBond: I meant CRAZY!
Jedi Knight: So did I...

Regis: HEY!!!

Superman: Crap!

Regis: Look at my hands!
Link: Excuse me?
Regis: LOOK AT MY HANDS!!
Link: ...they’re covered in chocolate?
Regis: Yeah, exactly!! And can you tell me what this is?!
Link: If I’m not mistaken...that’s an M&M wrapper.
Regis: Correct again!! And now everyone knows that M&M’s melt in your MOUTH, not your HANDS!! You sold them to me, I want my frigging money back!!

&lt;Link hands Regis one dollar back&gt;

Regis: Ah, only $999,999 left! &lt;Notices the group&gt; THERE you are!
JBond: Run!
Regis: Not this time...NOW!!

&lt;As Regis says “now”, out of the shadows emerges Kathie Lee Gifford, Heidi Klum, Alex Trebek, Kelly Rippa and silent rOb&gt;

dubloth: Don’t see that every day!
Regis: Cuff ‘em!
&lt;Each person handcuffs one of the members. Heidi Klum handcuffs Bond&gt;

JBond: Ahhh! That takes me back, Heidi!

&lt;Heidi slaps JBond&gt;

JBond: Yep! Definitely coming back to me!!
Jedi Knight: What do you plan to do, Regis?
Regis: I’m glad you asked! Silent rOb, bring out...the electric chair!
silent rOb: ......what...now?
Regis: Yes damnit now!!

&lt;silent rOb leaves and comes back with an electric chair&gt;

Regis: Now, to make sure it works, I’m going to bring out a test!

&lt;silent rOb brings out Carrot Top&gt;

JBond: I love you, Regis!

&lt;silent rOb hooks up Carrot Top to the machine and Regis stands by the switch&gt;

Carrot Top: No!! You can’t let me die, I’m too beautiful!! Please please please please please PLEASE don’t kill me!!!
Regis: I’m sorry *snicker* Carrot Top...you missed your last payment!
Carrot Top: At least tell me I was more annoying than David Arquette!
Regis: I won’t give you the pleasure! &lt;Regis’ hand goes toward the switch&gt;
Carrot Top: No NO NO......AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! AH AH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Superman: When will it stop, my God he’s annoying!!
Regis: You’re telling ME! I haven’t even thrown the switch yet!!
Carrot Top: I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!

&lt;Regis throws the switch&gt;

Carrot Top: Use 1-800 C A L L...A........T.............
Olorin: Whoo-hoo!!
Carrot Top: T!

&lt;Carrot Top dies&gt;

Regis: And now...who’s next!
Olorin: I think it should be done alphabetically!
Superman: I second that!
Regis: Fine! Bring Bond up here!
Jedi Knight: Well if you use James as his name, he shouldn’t be next! It should be dubloth!
dubloth: I’m going to kill you if I get the chance, Jedi!

&lt;Heidi Klum in a bikini (why not) takes Bond to the chair&gt;

JBond: &lt;looks at Heidi&gt; Well. I guess this is the way I wanted to die! Although I did want to go parachuting before I died...well, not RIGHT before I died!
Superman: ...Bond?
JBond: Yes, Supes?
Superman: Before you die. Tell me one thing....where’s your address book with all your women phone numbers?
JBond: Supes...you’re going to die too!
Superman: Well, no I’m not. I’m Superman, I can leave anytime I want!
JBond: Oh, and you were going to wait till I died!?
Regis: Hahaha, you thought wrong Superman. I already thought this through! Silent rOb...bring me the box!

&lt;He brings him the box and Regis opens it&gt;

Superman: Oh NO!! It’s purple Kryptonite!!!
Olorin: What the hell does THAT do?
Superman: It makes me...ultra horny!

&lt;Superman glances over at Heidi Klum&gt;

Superman: No!! Must...leave...before...I’m killed!! It's my attraction towards Heidi Klum versus my will to save my friends!
JBond: I’m going to die.

&lt;Regis starts to throw the switch but is pushed out of the way&gt;

Regis: Trebek!! What are you doing!
Alex Trebek: Call it revenge!! All this time your show had been giving LOADS more money then Jeopardy...but they don’t KNOW you steal the money from charity bins...do they!! In your show they have wussy multiple choice, while in my show they have to actually know the answer!! And how do you reward them with guessing...by giving them a MILLION DOLLARS!!
Regis: Well after taxes...
Trebek: SHUT UP!! I'm through with you!

&lt;Trebek pulls out a gun&gt;

Trebek: You’re going to DIE for this!
Regis: Is that your...final answer?!?
Trebek: Afraid so!

&lt;Trebek fires and kills Regis, all of Regis’ henchmen/women run away, then Trebek sets everyone else free. Everyone leaves except for Superman&gt;

Superman: Thanks Trebek!! What was your show called again?
Trebek: JEOPARDY!!
Superman: Oh right! I’ll try to catch it sometime!

&lt;Superman is about to leave then stops&gt;

Superman: Whoops! Almost forgot! I’ll need this &lt;Takes the purple Kryptonite&gt; and this! &lt;Flies over to Heidi Klum&gt; Why hello!
Heidi Klum: :D

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

&lt;The gang goes over to McDonalds to pick up their “rented” Mercedes-Benz&gt;

dubloth: Well that was interesting to say the least!
Jedi Knight: But now we know it’s finally over!
Olorin: Let’s go back to my place and celebrate!
Superman: I’d love to, but &lt;looks over at Heidi Klum still in her bikini&gt; I have some things to take care of first!
JBond: Well, I’ll see you guys next time some lunatic tries to take over the world or kill us!...Which ever comes first!
Superman: Yeah sure, but I don’t think there is ANYONE as crazy as Regis was!


McDonalds Employee: You’ve been promoted to Assistant Janitor Mr....
William Shatner: Shatner! Hehehe! This is GREAT! First, I was just a customer, now I am Assistant Janitor, soon I will become janitor, then a regular employee and eventually an Assistant Manager! Not after long I will become a manager, then I will receive large enough paychecks to buy a small starship...THEN, things will finally go my way!!

William Shatner: BWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

McDonalds Employee: ...Whatever, someone left a mess in the guys bathroom again...you know the drill.
William Shatner: Crap.


Written by Richard Iliff

[ 08-21-2001: Message edited by: JBond ]

[Superman]

Hahahaha! Bravo man, that was a great story! I can't wait for the sequel... :D :cool: ;)

[Link]

Regis: Look at my hands!
Link: Excuse me?
Regis: LOOK AT MY HANDS!!
Link: ...they’re covered in chocolate?
Regis: Yeah, exactly!! And can you tell me what this is?!
Link: If I’m not mistaken...that’s an M&M wrapper.
Regis: Correct again!! And now everyone knows that M&M’s melt in your MOUTH, not your HANDS!! You sold them to me, I want my frigging money back!!

&lt;Link hands Regis one dollar back&gt;

Hey He Lied.......THAT WASN'T CHOCOLATE!
*Jumps Into Car and Drives Away Running Over Epona*
Link : Damn...I gotta stop doing that..

[ 08-21-2001: Message edited by: Link ]

[thebtskink]

Nice job man.

[Frizzo the Clown]

Man, I laughed 'til I stopped!

[JBond]

Thank you all!

[JBond]

Originally posted by JBond:
<STRONG>
Arrivals Departures
Flight # Status Flight # Status


6645 On Time 2856 On Time
9837 On Time 0852 On Time
9375 Delayed 7875 Repairing Faulty Engines
4867 No Fuel 3339 Sobering Up Pilot
1905 It's Right Behind You 5765 Doesn't Look Good
3784 Crashed 7077 Searching for "alleged" Bomb
2996 Hijacked by Arab Terrorists 6254 Damned

</STRONG>

Oh my....

DO you think the government is going to force me to remove this ;)

[Godzilla]

Originally posted by JBond:
<STRONG>
Arrivals Departures
Flight # Status Flight # Status


6645 On Time 2856 On Time
9837 On Time 0852 On Time
9375 Delayed 7875 Repairing Faulty Engines
4867 No Fuel 3339 Sobering Up Pilot
1905 It's Right Behind You 5765 Doesn't Look Good
3784 Crashed 7077 Searching for "alleged" Bomb
2996 Hijacked by Arab Terrorists 6254 Damned

</STRONG>&lt;HR&gt;&lt;/BLOCKQUOTE&gt;

Oh my....

DO you think the government is going to force me to remove this ;)[/QB]

Maybe 2996. But you posted before the incodent, so I say leave it the same.

[slinger]

Well I finally read your story. Great job! Better than the original. Of course I was reading it with Monday Night Football Theme on the headphones, over and over again. The classsic theme. Perhaps I'll finally finish mine. Loved my cameo, and the other ones.

[ 09-25-2001: Message edited by: slinger ]

[JBond]

Haha, thanks.

[Moe Szyslak]

Another great story Jibbs. I loved the Stewardess part and Frizzo's cameo was great.

[JBond]

Part Two of the CS saga.